Do you ever really get over it?

[purplelass]

I'd lived with ExH for 23 years, was married for 16 of them, split up nearly 3 years ago due to his lies and cheating.

I don't miss him in particular, I don't even really like the person he's become since we split. I just miss the fact that I could tell him anything, he knew everything about me and obviously shared my interest in everything DD did.

I have been seeing a lovely bloke for the last couple of years but our day to day lives are very separate, partly because I'm scared of depending on anyone for anything after being so badly let down. We're both happy with this arrangement though, there's no talk of moving in or getting married, which suits me fine.

So my question is, when you've had an emotional attachment to someone for so long, do you ever really get over it?

Sorry you're going through this. It's a cliche but time heals all wounds.

Allow yourself to feel your emotions as they come through. When they become overwhelming go off and distract yourself. I'm just going through my break up now, it's still very fresh. I have my kids to keep me going. I believe in time I will get over this and I will one day look at it as a bump in the road in the story of my life.

You will get there

I don't really know to be honest with you. When I went through a break-up, I felt just the way you do...

Maybe you would like more emotional connection with your current partner, deep down? Only you know that.

It is also possible that you're amplifying the good parts of your past relationship and forgetting the true reality...

Yes you do. My ex behaved appallingly when we split(he had an affair). His treatment of me and DD made sure that he killed every last feeling that was there for him.

I don't even hate him any more, I'm past that...just indifference.

Not sure you do get over it but that doesn't mean you can't form a healthy and fulfilling emotional attachment to someone else

Thanks everyone, it's tough but knowing I'm not alone in this really helps.

I know what you mean OP. I split with my DH in January and I can’t imagine being that close with anyone else. There was a time he was my best friend and we talked about everything. I miss talking to him about all the little wonderful things our kids say and do on a daily basis. I know I did the right thing and most of the time I don’t even like him anymore because he’s been so awful to me and our children. It’s still early days for me and I have zero interest in starting another relationship at the moment. I do worry that I will struggle to ever really trust anyone else or let them close because he hurt me so badly. It’s a bit of a cliche. I know a few people who never got over a bad break up of a long term relationship so it’s not true that everyone gets over it - although I appreciate most do. I don’t want to be bitter or suspicious but I can’t help but think I’ll be on my guard for a long, long time. I’m glad you’ve found someone kind who makes you happy. X

Honestly? I'm not sure it was fair to start a relationship with someone else when you weren't over your ex.

I also think it prevents 'moving on' because you fall into a relationsip with someone else before you've really fully rebuilt the relationship with yourself, as a person separate to your ex, which I think contributes to it.

Yes, you do get over it - but 3 years isn't long in the context of a 23 year relationship. And of course you'll miss the friendship and just that sense of knowing someone inside out and them knowing you. But "getting over it" isn't the same as just forgetting about the person - he was a massive part of your life, and that won't change. You just start to find coping with the change easier.

That length of relationship and the level of intimacy is a hugh bond so to have it broken is a big heartache. But l think holding your present parent at arms length is not helping as your need for emotional attachment is not being fulfilled. We all take a big risk letting someone in so maybe its time to take that risk again.

It doesn't really sound like your emotional attachment is to him, rather that you miss having that kind of close relationship. Are you sure it is your past relationship holding you back in your current relationship, or is it that actually he is just someone you don't want to get closer to?

I’m over 5 years on from my now exh’s affair & total personality change (as it seemed at the time).

I am much more guarded in relationships now & I most likely will never live with someone, or get married again. I have been with my current partner for 2.5 years & it’s a great relationship but there is no way I am ever merging my life with another man again.

I’m ok with that - I’ve come to terms with the fact that you never really know someone & what they’re capable of. Sounds sad, but I don’t mean it like that - I’m just not prepared to take the risk of ever being in the position I was before. I occasionally feel some pangs of sadness - I’ve lost my belief/innocence in terms of relationships - yet I’m also quite happy to live a little less conventionally. Besides, living with someone is hard!

moonfacebaby yes, that's exactly how I feel. I don't know if I'll ever want to let a man into my life 100% again.
It doesn't stop me missing the 24/7 companionship I had with ExH though.

I almost posted this exact thing last night. I miss the family unit and the life we could have / should have had together. I was so sure of us, which is laughable with hindsight. I still get hit in the chest with the loss of it all, even though I know how badly he has / does treat me, that I was never actually happy and that I am a million times better off without him.

But there is still that but

Seven years on for me and my current OH and I live very separate lives. I think I deliberately chose a man as different as possible to my XH, who I could talk to about anything and who was very 'emotionally connected'. My OH isn't and I can't. But I will never let myself fall that deeply again for another person.

Aversion therapy is very very powerful.