Disclosing children when dating

[tabularasa35]

I am an expat in Canada and I am totally new to dating, since we do it a bit differently in my country of origin, so I am looking for some advice.

I divorced coming three years, I am 35 and I have two little DC. I signed up to OLD three weeks ago and browsed a bit. Only one guy caught my attention and I decided to write to him. Et voilà, happens he is Spanish too (a rare species where I am living). We have been messaging randomly for a couple of weeks, every day. General chit chat about weather, food, cultural differences, etc. We met last Sunday for lunch and spent the full day together (until after dinner). There were no fireworks but he really ticks all my boxes: he is smart, very nice and attractive. I felt very comfortable with him and had a great time. There was no physical contact, no conversation of relationship/romance, it was all very light and just easy. Just like two friends.

We have kept messaging since then, a few messages every day, just checking in, etc. and we are going to the movies next Monday :) I am excited about meeting him and I like him, so I am now considering the possibilities.

We haven´t talked about my DC at all, so I was wondering if he knows that I have kids. It could be that it hasn´t come up because we have had very casual conversations, or it could be that he just considers me a fellow expat, even if we met through an OLD website. I can´t discard any of these possibilities.

He made a comment like "I didn´t know you had this hobby". I said that in my profile so I asked him if he had read it and he said yes. In my profile I also say that I have kids. But there is a kind of "summary" section and a "detailed" section. In the summary, I only had three options for kids: "want/maybe/never", so I wonder if he only read the summary. Also, I made this profile long ago to check something for a friend and I had not used it, so I changed it recently, so it could be that he read it before I changed it.

I am assuming that he doesn´t know and I feel deceitful. I would like to find the best way to bring it up without making it sound like a deal breaker myself (it could be for him, but don´t want to lead him directly there). How/when do I do it? I don´t want to do it in writing, I would like to see his reaction. And I guess I need to ask if we are dating or just to expats hanging out so I don´t look like a fool.

Please help, any ideas?

I was in your position three years ago when I met my partner. Luckily, he saw my Facebook profile picture which included a picture of my son.
We’re three years down the line and only now has my OH confessed that he doesn’t really like kids, doesn’t want any of his own and can’t really cope with my DS.
I’m sure this situation will not happen to you, but my point is, even if they know that we have kids from day one, sometimes it’s not a deal breaker right away but becomes one.
My advice is to ask whether he read your whole profile or just the summary and then go from there. Do you know if he has DC of his own?

Also, definitely say it in person and as soon as possible.
Just be totally honest and ask ‘are we dating, I just wanted to know because I really enjoy spending time with you.’
Getting this stuff out in the open as soon as you can is the best way imo Good Luck!

How do you spend a day with someone without mentioning kids?! Just say I'm glad I could make it and the babysitter didn't let me down.

So you haven’t mentioned your kids at all in your conversations? That does seem deliberate. Do you think it would put him off?

Just tell him. If he hates it, then at least you know. He will probably be a bit scared, I was, but that's ok.

It's weird that he's not asked about your kids or that you've not talked about your kids. But anyway just ask him if he read your profile because it says you have kids.

It's pretty strange you haven't mentioned your children especially as they're still young. I would mention your DC soon though it's the only way to gauge his reaction as there's no point continuing dating someone might think who kids are deal breaker but hopefully he doesn't mind.

I'd say it as soon as possible. I don't have children, I can't have them, and I don't want a relationship with someone else who does have them. I've redrawn the lines of my life going forward and am trying to come to terms with the fact that I won't have any of my own. I'd rather make that clear right at the very start than have someone say, oh, by the way, I've got two kids and they are great and I'm sure they'd love you and you're going to think they are brilliant. I do like kids, but I don't want someone else's to play anything other than a small part of my life. That's why I'm a shit hot auntie and godmother.

Tell him as soon as possible. When I was OLD I wouldn’t date anyone with children and I wouldn’t have appreciated the waste of time if someone had not told me until we’d had a few dates.

@MissyEmRain I don't think he has kids. He moved here from overseas 1 year ago. His profile said that he definitely wants them.

Lady They spend 50% of the time with their father, no babysitters. Our conversations didn't include any typical "what are you looking for in a relationship" kind of topics. We just talked about things you would to a friend: food, adapting to the culture here, his work, what we studied at school/university, etc.

Cricrichan I asked about the profile when he mentioned my hobby and he said yes.

We are watching a movie next Monday. I will try to get a bite/tea afterwards and ask him if it is a date (I am really shy, so this is going to be embarrassing). I don't think we will have much time to talk since movie will finish around 10pm and we work the next day (commute home is probably another hour). I will go from there. I understand the need to know, that's why it has come to my attention. I also don't want to fall more for him without even knowing if we are dating.

I don't understand. You met him on a dating site, but you don't know whether this is a date?

What else would it be?

Tell him. I told a guy when we met face to face and he was pissed off (understandably).

I just can't imagine not mentioning my kids, but then I'm not dating.

You need to mention it before the date, you've obviously kept it quiet for a reason but he deserves to know.

Et voilà? Don't you mean Eso? 😂

Just arrange a second date and casually mention it near the start. EG "it's been a busy weekend for me - took the kids skating" or something.

Gotta be upfront about it imo, i brlieve in full disclosure from the start - they have a problem with my having DD? I dont want them anyway then

Well, Spaniards don't do dating the way British/Americans do. It is more organic. It would not be too strange that we are meeting just because we found another expat to talk to, not because there was a romantic interest. The meeting was not very different from expats (men and women) that I have met through Facebook expat groups. It is embarrassing to ask if it is a date but I can't really assume. He has not been flirty at all.

I would tell him in a text msg. As if he doesn't know at this point it appears like you are being deceitful?
Especially if you have been messaging daily. Wouldn't he ask things like what you have planned for the day? Or what you have been doing? Then you would purposely not mention your DC. You really do need to tell him right away as the longer you leave it the worse it seems

I felt a bit stupid after asking if it was a date - "wasnt it the first time?" he asked.

So... second date was good. He paid for dinner and walked me to the subway. We were a bit touchy this time and I felt there was a moment when he was going to kiss but got a bit nervous and chickened out (or I shyly turned a bit, dont know).

Then I asked him to stay a bit and asked if he knew I had kids and what he thought about it. His response was a bit odd - others personal lifes are not his business... he then checked my profile and admitted he didn't read it before.

He also brought up the exclusivity. Told me he only dates one person at a time and asked about me.

All was good and normal that night - texted a bit when we got home. But for the following two days he has been writing less and I feel a kind of disconexion. Yesterday was the first time he didn't send me a good night message. The deadline for his big project is in two days and he has been working really late so I assumed it was a good reason for less contact.

This morning I checked and he was online in OLD. Now I am confused. And honestly sad. I really like him but I feel the kids put him off and he hasn't told me.

He had invited me to a hike this weekend (before kids conversation) and now I wonder if I should check I'd we are still on (no time was discussed) and/or write to him at all today or wait.

After a cheating XH I spent three years single (voluntarily). I am very picky and he is the one in 500 profiles I wrote to. I know it has been only 2 dates, but I have set my hopes on him

UPDATE: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3277824-OLD-Childrens-disclosure-UPDATE