Hi, myself and my partner are currently not together after a month ago of breaking up. We have or I have invested in some time lately to see a counsellor with Relate and we went yesterday as a couple.
I felt she was brilliant, she brought up things from the past and well brought up things about our communication or lack of being able to talk about things together around our emotions and intimacy issues which is true as we became like brother and sister living in the house. There was a feeling of me pushing my partner away, I was never really close to him emotionally, physically and found myself just being like a friend in the end as I struggle with closeness more so affection.
We never spoke about it, but when we rowed there is a lot of anger, frustration and hurt, but I feel a lot has to do with the above so instead of talking about it rage would happen and hurtful words would be said too.
I am feeling like I want to understand myself better hence the counselling and I also want to see what I am doing wrong in my relationships and to help myself to feel more confident too. He said he came along because he still loves me and still cares and wants to see what he is doing wrong too, whether its for us to be together or help him further in the future.
When we left, I was quite down afterwards and felt alone. He said when I am not in the house, as stayed with parents for a week he didnt realise how lonely he was in our relationship until I moved out and that he felt the same, like I made him feel lonely. I do feel this may have been the case as he did a lot for me, I was not really attentive towards him or gave him much attention, emotionally and physically I struggle with this. He says I use to give him attention when we first got together and thats why he is upset he wants that feeling back. He says his loneliness he never knew about until I moved out and realised he didnt miss me in that way as he never felt that emotion anymore and it was gone. This hurt me the most. He says he is not dealing with this the same way he just shuts himself off and pushes himself away from me so he can think, He said last night he didnt want to talk about things and so I left him to it only for him to slam doors.
I know its my connection issue as I didnt give him anything and I was ill last year and felt he did a lot for me, however I am wanting to invest some time in me now and I am trying to let him know I am sorry.... and understand what is going wrong so I don't feel that I am being cold, distant and non communicative as that is what I was doing. His issue is communication, never opening up and just going along with the other person to make them happy which means I never know how he is feeling or what he wants so that makes me not understand his needs something the counsellor picked up on, also that he doesnt do confrontation and when something is not right he wont try and ask me what he can do to help or how I am feeling he will leave it and leave me be so there is no rowing. Only for me to feel angry or just let it be but eventually this brews and we row!!
So as you can see its been hard, we have been together a good few years now and I still love him. .
He says he is not ready to date but went on a dating site to reach out to get over this, (as men do). He never goes out at night, just stays in his room and just goes to work daily and comes home and watches TV...so I feel he hasnt dated anyone but I know men need that connection and this time its the longest we have parted our ways......
He has never had a one night stand before he has only had 2 long term relationships. He was upset in the counselling room too and saying he still loves me but that he feels this has run its course and he is wary of me and worried it will happen again as we have broken up a few times.
I have never reached out to counselling before nor have I admitted to my past and lack of emotion and intimacy with my parents either. My parents never really gave me that love but showed it in more practical, financial ways.....His dad was a bully and his mum very protective of him but I feel at a loss at the moment like I am losing myself, I can only thank my friends for being wonderful but I cant talk to my mum about this as I feel really lost and she just says "just leave and get on with it!" that has always been her motto. ....
Thank you for reading, feeling a tad vulnerable over here today...
Will counselling work do you think? the lady mentioned it may be around 6 sessions we may need individually or together. My partner said relationships are hard work but if I didnt love you still I wouldnt have come., he said, he is just dealing with this as he is still angry and hurt and he wants things to be like they use to be.....He has a point I do too but not too sure how to get there....