Hi
I dunno why I'm typing this.... dunno if I'll post, but it just feels better to get some feelings out.
I'm a mumma of 4 amazing cheeky kids aged 17, 12, 6 & my baby has just had his very 1st birthday, I have been with their daddy for 22 years, since i was 14 (yes the maths make me 36 ssshhh) my first and can truly say my only.
My fiance is addicted to coccaine, has been for 5 years now. It has got very serious since i got pregnant (even high at the hospital when i has him) and the first year of my baby boys life! He has never bought him so much as a pack a flipping nappies.
He is very abusive, puts me down, tells me regularly I'm nothing.
He's always been controlling and possessive but since the drugs his paranoia and behaviour is unpredictable and dangerous. I have no social network accounts, I've googled my name and i don't even come up, which he loves, I'm completely isolated, its just me and my kids. I have family but over the yrs the visiting has come down to nothing.
He tells me in detail how he wants/going to kill me, tells me to watch my back, tells my kids their mums a 'slag' (even though I've only ever been with him) he feels the only reason I'm kicking him out is so i can shag anyone i want!!! Not the fact his had chance after chance and we're all suffering.
I've tried being the supportive partner, I've spoken to me eldest kids, we wanted to help him and get him through this, my kids knew it was gonna be rough but they wanted they're daddy back/some sort of relationship with him. But his just proved whats more important to him. Its been agreed a few times that he was gonna stay with his parents while he got clean, get iver the mood swings we don't deserve, prove himself, come back home and we'll all live happily ever after. But he won't let that happen, he last just a few days up there, or he sleeps in the car outside my place, Says he wants to see the kids and i can't get him out again, he won't go. Everytime i tell him we cant go on like this no more he snaps, calls me everything you can think of, accuses me of everything you can think of, threatens me, blames me for everything. The only thing I'm guilty of is letting this go on too long with my kids and trusting him that we'll be ok. We're all walking on eggshells, he takes advantage that i don't want no shouting infront of the kids, as he flips out straight away if i say anything he don't like.
He works but only to support his habbit, he certainly don't support us and thats only when he can get outta bed!!
He tells us all its our fault his a 'druggie', we piss me him off, we're not good enough.
I kicked him out finally for the last time the day before yesterday, when he was shouting at me and telling my kids "I'm gonna kill your slag of a mum then probably kill myself" my eldest had enough and told him to get out, they were nose to nose. My kids will always come first, i just held on for so long believing we were gonna be ok, people telling me its not really him acting like this its the drugs but we cant do this anymore. I'm a nervous and emotional wreck, I'm not eating or sleeping properly, i get on with daily life with my kids, school, clubs, take them out, smile, have fun all the while i'm dying on the inside, i'm crying all night (the only space i get and so the kids can't see/hear)and i get annoyed at myself for being so sad and emotional but i truly can't help it. I also went up to his parents house and told them a few home truths, they had no idea of the extent it was. He always puts in a front that all is ok.
This is the best thing and healthiest thing for my family.... I've always done everything on my own so I'm not concerned about coping, my eldest like i said is 17, never changed 1 of their bums or fed them, no helping with housework or school, I've got this.
I'm just hurting so so much, though i hurt more when his here, but i suppose I'll get over it :( just wish it was easier.
So not really a question/answer topic at all, i just needed to... i dunno really.
Sorry xxx