Dead end relationship?

[snltay]

not really sure what to expect from this, just hoping fro some external advice I guess!
My partner and I have drifted apart. i think we are using the excuse that my daughter likes to come in to my bed for him to sleep downstairs.
the first 18 months or so of my daughter's life I feel he really let me down. He admitted he had not accepted he had to change his life, or grow up at all. Now he is really trying but i feel it is too little too late. I don't know how to forgive him for how he let me down and hurt me. I think I want to stay with him, but really that is only because he is now a good dad, and i don't want my daughter to miss out on him being around... but that's not enough right?
On top of this I barely see my friends as I moved away and my partner can't get my daughter to go to bed... just feeling lonely and trapped!
I'm sure people have it a lot worse than me.... just any thoughts or advice on how to break this would be really appreciated!

Hang on second. He's a good dad, but he can't get his DD to go to bed??
WTF?

no I know, I feel that is partly my fault though. I cuddle her to sleep, and he is just not around at bedtime enough for her to get used to him doing it. The last few times we have tried, I went out and he ended up calling me back because she was too upset

The calling you back thing is ridiculous. He's her parent and he's looking after her so he needs to figure out a way to get her to calm down without calling you back as though it's actually your job and not his.

Does he do much around the house?

snltay for me breaking up a family should be the extreme last resort. Unless there is abuse obviously.

I would set yourself a time frame for things to drastically change.

He can learn to do bed times. He needs to be there to learn and your dd to get used to it. Sometimes we tend to just get on with it which it self is part of the problem.

Make a list of all the things that need to change and sit down and talk about them to him. He has to commit to this otherwise - he isnt a great dad.

Dh was crap with dd1 and I rarely left the house by the time dd2 came along I didn’t give to shits and I couldn’t wait to escape and went away for a few days and let the shit hit the fan.

Their relationships are so much better because he had to get on with it.

What time does he normally get in and how often does he go out?

yeah he does now, but I still think not enough really considering I work, do all the nursery runs, and am studying for my master in my 'spare time'. He has no ability to plan or budget and that is what really gets me - i just have a lot of resentment and I don't know how to let it go, and its driving me mad. I can't keep living like this, its either got to get better or we split - and i dont' know what is best

@Whattheactualfuckmate
i feel the same, it should be the very last resort. But i have spent the last two years saying very clearly what I need from him and it is only in the last few months that he has started to listen... and he has, but i now feel I have no feelings left for him! too little too late. If I could find a way to change my feelings I would.. thats why I am asking for help

Does he work and contribute financially?
Is he kind to you and DC?
We all do what we're good at, and let the dp do what THEY are good at. So he can't plan or budget - so YOU do it unless he's causing major problems. Sounds like he's doing his best. What is he good at?

Forget about the 'last resort' nonsense - that's used far too often to keep women in unhappy relationships. Plenty of men just walk out on perfectly good relationships. You've clearly tried to make things better - you are not required to stay with him as though he's your jailer or something.

I know what you mean about the resentment. I had a similar situation with my DH. We're now four years on from the crunch point and things are a million times better but I still feel huge resentment at times and I don't know if it'll ever stop. The only reason we didn't split up is because my DH properly turned it around 180 degrees.

I think you need to be very honest with your DP about how you feel and see where to go from there.

snltay if he is trying, actually really trying especially at bed times (is he?) then what could he do to get things back on track.

Sometimes we lose ourselves when we have small Kids and need to actively try to reconnect. It sounds like he has took you for granted and he needs to start showing you how special you are - apart from the dc.

Is it really that dead that a last ditch attempt couldn’t revive it.

Does he contribute fairly to the house hold? This is really important

speggetti no it isn’t.

Random posters are ridiculously too quick to encourage people to split up on here and it’s fucking weird. Splitting up a family can cause devastation to a child so yes last ditch attempts are needed. Your whole post is a contradiction. Your encouraging op to leave when you didn’t yourself!

op don’t be with anyone you physically can’t stand to be with. But if there was a small chance things could turn it around with him fully commiting to working hard at it - I’d give it ago

I'm not encouraging her to leave, as you say, I didn't. I'm saying that nobody needs to tell her it's a 'last resort' - that's about making her feel guilty and making it seem like it's her job to do everything possible (up to an including negating her own needs) to 'make it work.'

I was all set to leave - the only thing that stopped me is that my DH did what was needed to turn things around. If he hadn't, we would now be divorced.

Resentments are very bad advisors because they trap us in an endless circle of anger and frustration.
I've been with my DH for 29 years and there have been times that we had to change and adjust.
Growing up together means accepting that another person has faults, make mistakes and specially for some men maturity takes forever.
It's up to you to decide if holding up to your resentments it's more important than a possible future together.
Encourage him to step up. Be clear about what you need, expect and wish from him and see if he rises to the challenge.
If he is trying I'll definitely will give him and opportunity.
He needs a bit more practice being a Dad and your dd also needs to learn how to be parent by her Dad.
Don't rescue them they need confidence and trust in each other.
Best of luck. I think your family it's worth keeping together at least until you give it a bit more time.

I agree with what you say in principle, Colbu, but I think the 'for some men maturity takes forever' bit is bullshit - that's just a convenient get-out clause for men to act like babies while women do everything and get ground down to dust.