Self esteem

[NormskiNamechange]

I’ve seen a lot about self esteem written on these boards.

Posters are often advised that they need to work on improving their self esteem, as this is the source of jealousy in their relationship.

I’m suffering from low self esteem I think. My question is this: how do you improve your self esteem? What practical things do you put in place?

To give a bit of context - I work with my DP and a few years ago, he behaved inappropriately (in my view) with one of our colleagues. I don’t think he had a physical affair but he definitely fancied her (in my opinion). He denies that he did but he stared at her bum in front of me, he stood me up to go out for drinks with her and generally ran around doing stuff for her that he didn’t do for me.

From that point on, i felt like I changed completely. I went from a secure person who didn’t worry about things to a person who is tense a lot of the time. If we are passing women, I wait for him to stare at them. I worry when he goes out with friends.

We have a new person starting at work and I’m tying myself up in knots about who it will be and imagining him behaving like he did with the other colleague. I don’t even know if the person is male or female.

I know this isn’t healthy so how can I improve my self esteem and learn to trust? Would counselling help?

I’m sorry for the length of this post.

The gaslighting concerns me too; as PP have said, nice guys would apologise, not try to justify their ogling of other women. I reckon you do have a self esteem problem though, because you have convinced yourself that his opinion of how a relationship should be is more important and valid than yours.

I think feeling threatened by a dp ditching you for drinks to go out with another woman is normal.

The self esteem issue is you haven't fucked him off already. Disrespectful behaviour.

Are you afraid you won't find someone better? The fear of having to start again?

Don't let a man tell you how you feel is wrong. He's a twat and you will be well rid.

Narcissistic sociopath

Because he fancies another human being

😂😂😂😂

God MN is weird some days

Self-esteem isn't something you can "work at". Self-esteem is the result of working at other things, if you see what I mean. You can't 'up' your self-esteem unless and until you look at the foundations of your life, i.e. those places where your self-esteem (which is innate) was undermined and diminished in the past.

So, the best way to 'work at' your self-esteem is:

a) to begin to understand the origins of unhealthy relationship dynamics, and

b) to start to work through those dynamics with a trusted someone, e.g. a therapist

Self-esteem then starts to happen, seemingly all by itself. You just have to create the circumstances for it to start to thrive again.

Well his behaviour is disrespectful and to minimise op's feelings is also disrespectful. Noticing attractive people is natural - leering at their arses is not ok.

Don't buy into this boys will boys crap and they can't help it. They can. Everyone has a choice what they do. It could be a habit so almost subconscious, but he is accountable for his actions.

Self-esteem isn't something you can "work at".
I agree with that to some extent, but I do think you can work on some of the symptoms of low self-esteem. For example, my ex used to act as if his job was more important than mine, and I just automatically thought for years that this was true. But now I've learned to recognise that pattern of assuming that other people know better: when I start doing it I can think "Oh, hang on, I'm doing that again" and use the techniques I have learned to reassess the situation.

Totally @ravenmum - but I'm also wondering if there was some kind of shift that caused you to start seeing that as a possibility - in other words, perhaps there was something going on underneath that helped you to recognise the pattern. In my work as a coach/counsellor, it is incredible how many times people cannot see those patterns - until, one day, they suddenly do. Sometimes it's a mystery what led them to that insight.

That's true; while it was a counsellor who first opened my eyes to those patterns, then other sources including mumsnet that reinforced that new knowledge, I suspect that in my case it was a course of antidepressants that actually made me start to believe* it. Then once you believe it, it starts to make sense.

*Disclaimer: other sources of enlightenment are also available.

Try reading the Six Pillars of Self-esteem by Nathaniel Branden. If you live by these 'six pillars' you will definitely feel better about yourself and will not allow yourself to be disrespected. One of the best things I ever did was read this.

There’s fancying another human being and then there’s taking the piss out of another human being, he’s doing the latter so it falls into narcissistic sociopathy
Glad someone hangs on to every word I type huh