So, I've read mumsnet a few times for various things - its good to get a popular opinion as well as a professional one. Here's my personal issue - its a long one so prepare yourself but I've tried to check it for typos and boring shit and make it interesting enough to be worthy your time. I’m going to be as honest as I can so I’m expecting a mixture of responses from feminists, post-feminists, supporters, people who think I’m a knob, so crack on.
I've recently found that my wife of 25 years has been deleting calls that she has made to a male colleague. Our 25th anniversary was 2 two days after I inadvertently found this out and I’m struggling to keep this all together. They are working together on a project and he is 10 plus years older, looks well older according to her, and is not her type in other ways, according to her. There have been around 40 calls to this guy over 3 months and she's deleted them all. I only found out because I wanted to change sim cards for her and our two kids and was looking into a family sim for them all (I took out a contract 6 months ago). She was there when we checked her and our eldest d's phone bill to look into their usage and it was then that I spotted a significant number of calls from her to just one number in one month, mainly because they had been separated out on her bill as a 'uk mobile call'.
Basically, for that month (May), she had called this colleague 21 times - she had called me 7 times in the same month, but texted me probably 50 times and him none. When we were checking her bill, , she was stood beside me and I asked her about the number because it seemed unusual and I could tell her breathing altered to that kind of anxious breathing you can hear when someone is scared. When I asked, she denied knowing the number and I said that was strange because she had called it so many times that month. I said that she had spoken to the person just 5 days earlier for 40 minutes and she had also called the number 4 times on that day so it was weird she didn't know the number, still she denied it. I said that she would have to have dementia to not recognise that shit, but I eventually had to google the number while she was stood there because she would not have it and it came up with his business, and she then immediately coughed to deleting the calls. She said that she deleted a few calls about work from other colleagues on a regular basis because she didn't like people at work having her personal mobile number...this seemed obvious bullshit because deleting calls makes no difference to other people having your number. She then said she had used '141' to hide her identity. After much questioning, she has only used '141' with his number and she has deleted no other calls from work, just his. I said that it seemed that she has used 141 to hide her identity so no one knew who was calling this guy six times in one weekend, or at 6pm on a bank holiday (ie his wife didn't see a number she could call back).
She said that she had been working intensely with this guy on a project, and she had needed to phone him a lot towards the end of the project to talk about it. She said she had then felt guilty about phoning this guy so much, and thought that I would get paranoid about it, so had deleted the calls. I checked the call dates while she was there and found that all apart from two of the calls had been made when she was not at work - either the weekend of her day off. I looked into it further and she had made all of the calls when she was either out of our home or when she was alone. She either called when I had left or when she was shopping or exercising. On one Sunday I dropped my youngest d off on a play date and she called about 3 minutes after I had left our home – I can’t help but think that she was watching me go. On the same day she called him 4 hours later when out on a bike ride and spoke at length – I can’t help but think that she was planning this call before she left, possibly looking forward to it? On another occasion she called the guy immediately after dropping our oldest d at a party and then called him again 10 minutes later. On other occasions, she called him while she was out on other bike rides/walks and when I was watching the kids. The calls have many coincidences, like calling on the same weekday, or calling at lunchtime only, or calling for 50 seconds and then calling one minute later for a long conversation (15-20 mins). On one weekend, she called him 6 times and spoke to him 15 mins on the Sat and then 20 mins on Sun). She says that she just left voicemails and called him back repeatedly because he would not return her calls. I said that weekends and bank holidays are personal times and, get the message, I would not call some random female colleague back because she had called me 6 times in a weekend, and would actually be concerned that she was a bunny boiler. My dh has also called this guy before and after our arguments (arguments mainly about her seeming to give me the impression me she doesn’t give two fcks about me) which I find weird.
She is writing these all off as coincidences, and is saying there is nothing in it. She is saying that she called at weekends because she was wanting to set things up for the week ahead. I say there are too many coincidences to write-off and say that there is nothing that could not wait until Monday - she didn't call any other colleagues at all over the weekend or her day off. She says I should trust her when she says she has not cheated on me. I say she has lied to me and broken our trust, and done it in a way that makes it look like she has done something she wants to hide - ie cheating.
She eventually said that the conversations were rewarding because we weren't getting on and they were easy conversations to have and were supportive because they made her feel better - but she continues to claim that she spoke about nothing but business.
The context is...Me and my wife have been having some issues for several years, we've had a stressful life like everyone else, but the last 10 years have really taken their toll. Basically, we met each other when we were 19/20 and seemed to be made for each other, everyone, particularly us, knew it. We had a great time for 17 years, some ups and downs, but basically great. However, we never planned for family life so we partied during the time most people would be planning for such a life. Eventually we started planning but we were about 10 years behind where we should have been so we've had to fit in 25yrs into 15. I never doubted her for one second and, if anything, I knew it was me who was the wild card - male, opinionated, a little fckd up, expressive to the point of being intense (I should probably have been Italian or some shit, no offence but Italians seem passionate and intense for some reason - tbf I've probably been marketed to fck on Italian traits). I've had my fair share of issues that she's had to deal with because I'm intelligent and think a lot, so I question a lot, I mean lets face it, the world needs questioned right? My DH doesn't take that approach to life and, according to her, prefers the 'slap in the face effect' approach.
Our shared stress has taken the form of me refurbishing our home from scratch (a fckload of work, me DIY, her kids), an ill child (no sleep and plenty of worry for 5+yrs), and very stressful jobs (6+yrs). Our shared life took a tumble during this time and we stupidly took separate paths but I always put it down to stress and that we'd get back to the same path eventually when everything chilled down again. I love her like no one else and will be genuinely impacted for the rest of my life if this fails – I’ll deal with it and move on, but fck, it doesn’t feel like it should be that way. We've had an insanely stressful last 18 months because of a work issue with me where I was suspended on full pay and things fell off a cliff - my employer is a public agency and a corrupt bully and I was having none of it and blew the whistle so they tried to performance manage me out of the organisation and I was having none of that either so I fought it and won in the end.
During this time, she has told me she doesn't like me, doesn't desire me, has said I'm 'getting chunky', losing my hair, and has called me other names and said things like she has no connection with me and doesn't know whether it will come back. At this point, I feel the need the need to point out that none of that shit is real, I'm well fit and strong.
I've made my mistakes and took full responsibility for my part on not communicating well with my wife over the years and said I will be a better man and husband and really put the effort in. I did all of the housework whilst I was handily suspended on full pay by a bunch of public servant fuckwits, looked after the kids, completed most the diy on our home, took her a cup of tea in the morning, bought her flowers, told her she looked nice, hugged her at every opportunity...but got little back. She mellowed a little, but continued to be distant and give the vibes that she wasn't interested.
I was getting massive vibes that she had someone else (basically check any 'top 10 signs of infidelity' and she ticks them all) and asked her a few times about this and she just blamed me for raising the issue and said I was pushing her away every time I raised my concerns. Again, I thought it was the stress, I felt guilty for all of this (work issues, not communicating, etc) and genuinely thought it was me being paranoid for no reason, but couldn't let go of the feeling that something was really wrong. It just seemed wrong. Then I found out that she had been deleting these calls.
My wife has now admitted that she has made a 'massive mistake' and admits that she has wrecked my trust in her, and has taken full responsibility for 'being a bitch' and treating me like a chump.
She is now saying all of the right things but I can't easily shake the fact she called a colleague on her mobile phone more times than she called anyone else, pretty much only on her days off and the weekend, then hid these calls, then denied any knowledge of the number even though she had been busted, then denied any knowledge of the calls, and later agreed that she knew it was wrong at the time but instead of stopping she decided to continue and hide the evidence of her wrongdoing.
I want to believe that she was having a hard time and found someone that took her mind off it all in a non-threatening way. However, I'm struggling with the premeditated element of it all where she knew she was going to make calls that she was going to delete, and the coincidences where she appears to have called as soon as she had free time or before and after we had had an argument. For example, another weird coincidence call is right after we had an appointment about taking out a new fixed rate mortgage - literally, mortgage appointment, drop me off at home, call-the-other-guy-parked-on-the-side-of-the-road-type-of-shit. It all sounds just too weird to me but I love her so much that I can't imagine my life without her, and know deep down that we're supposed to be together, surely? How can that not be the case after so many good times
On top of all of this, we had our 25yr anniversary at the end of the month where she had made 21 calls to this guy. That was a fcking hard-stretch celebration but I tried the best I could because I want to believe my wife has not done what I feel she has done. I know it was hard on her as well. We went away on holiday to another country and had some great times, proper 'first time' memories kind of thing, had some great sex, and had some genuine talks. I want to be a paranoid fckwit who has made a big deal of fck all, and if I am I’ll take it on the chin and move on. Its all hard though because I have a gut and it reacts.
What do you think?