How do you know when it's over?

[sadunhappy]

Not spoken to anyone in real world.

Been with DH for 24 years, 2 DC - teens.

I feel very unhappy in our marriage. We've had ups and downs over the years, but I'm feeling so fed up at the moment. He isn't a bad man, he is a good father, works hard, no bad habits, faithful but I just don't know if I want to be with him - I know the grass isn't greener. I think we've both changed and grown over the years, possibly differently. If the truth be told I wouldn't be surprised if he feels the same way. We do both speak to each other unkindly at times. I actually don't know if he loves me.
Feels like a marriage of convenience at the moment.

My question is, is it right to carry on like this to see if it improves as marriage is a life commitment and isn't easy, or start to think about how on earth we go our own ways. Is it unhealthy to stay like this or better for DC and stability?

I think you know there's the possibility it's over when you not only start to ask yourself that question, but you find yourself asking it here on the Relationships board. I'm not being facetious; I really mean that. It's as if a chink of potential opens up, where you realise something could really be different.

And after 24 years, the truth is that unless you're able to accept that things aren't going to improve, then it might be a good idea to throw off the burden of 'commitment' that marriage imposes on so many people, and start to live your life.

More often than not, while it is painful for everyone involved to work through an ending, your DC will probably ultimately thank you for it. I know I did.

After all, what are you modelling to them by staying in a marriage of convenience just for them? That's an inordinate amount of pressure for kids to carry, isn't it? Surely it's better for them to see their parents (or at least one parent) choosing integrity and autonomy over safety?

Believe me: you find your own stability far more easily, and more enduringly, when you're living a life that is worth living, in a relationship that's worth having - and where you'd rather have no relationship than a crappy one.

Totally agree with all above. However it took me years of agonising and I really wish I'd left years ago,would have been much healthier for all concerned

Thank you. Any other views please?

It seems to me you have two options. You can open up to him about how you feel. Totally honest and see how he feels. It could be that things have become stale and that you both would benefit from working at things or after talking you realise that actually your feelings have genuinely changed. Then you move on. I think if you just split up now there will always be a niggling doubt.

You know your situation best, but no marriage is perfect. The way you describe it, it seems like you could benefit from at least talking more to one another, or marriage counseling.

I would go to a therapist together and work at trying to

Reconnect making time to find joint interests, talking kindly, learning to both be considerate.

If it doesn't change things then it's truly over. It's very easy to grow apart but it can be rekindled if you both try and want it to work.

To answer the general question in your op - it's over when you don't care anymore.

I second talking to him and also going to a marriage therapist - best case scenario, it revitalizes your marriage - but if nothing else, it may make a separation easier and also show you both what went wrong and possibly how to avoid that in future relationships. Good luck - it's a horrid position to be in

Also therapy is cheaper than divorce!!!

When you've tried everything and you still feel the same. So if there are quite a few things you haven't tried, like taking a second honeymoon, finding a brand new hobby together, counselling, whatever else you can think of that might help, then I would try those before writing off the marriage, especially with children involved.

It sounds trite but I think you just know. I was in a relationship for 15 years which should never have lasted anywhere near that long, I was so unhappy but just couldn't see a way out. I left once, then went back as he begged and I felt I needed to give it one more chance, nothing changed and then one morning about 9 months later I just woke up and knew that was it, it was over. I told him when he got home from work, left with a suitcase and never went back. It was about 18 months of sheer hell after that sorting everything out but it was worth it for the life I knew I could have alone (and now with DH).

I think you already know deep down by the sounds of it but it might take you that bit longer to get to the final 'click' that you're done with it and ready to move on.

I agree...I don't necessarily feel like I'm in any position to give advice but I do think a marriage therapist would be a good option. It might open you both up. Sometimes it's all too easy to get stuck in a rut, even in our thinking and it could help with seeing things from a different perspective. Best of luck to you. It's tough feeling the way you do and you deserve to be happy.

I have thought about counselling, however I don't think he would be very receptive mulling over his feelings with a stranger or anyone for that matter.. I think I will make enquiries.
I don't want it to end but I'm confused that it's really the stability, happy family, house etc etc that I want at the cost of feeling unhappy with my relationship. It's all I know. Got to sort my head out.
Thanks for replies.

At this stage I don't think it's likely to change - you have grown apart and it's unfair to expect each other to change. Talk to him and see if he feels the same and then agree a plan to see if you can improve things or go your separate ways.

I wouldn't stay in this situation though. You only live once.

monkeys 'you only live once' was weirdly the phrase that made me finally end my relationship - I was out with a friend and talking about my situation and how unhappy I was. She said those exact words to me and I finished it the next day. It's so true.

Hi sadunhappy, I’m gonna give you the “work in it” perspective. Read this, it made a lot of sense to me (although I have 0 interest in the religious setting) and it’s a good perspective to consider, I think. Hope this helps. www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/when-i-dont-feel-love-for-my-spouse/

Itadventuretime

Thank you for the link. I too don't have an interest in the religious bit. Some of it makes sense. I guess we have worked things through over the years as we've achieved 24 of them. I am still wondering about the chemistry element, can a relationship really work without it. I will digest & have another read.

Did you have chemistry at the start?

Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. He might be feeling the same but also isn't telling you.

For the chemistry sounds like you're in the rut. You could plan something with him off the wall that you wouldn't normally do.

See if he'll go to counseling with you.

I think a lot of people feel this way, when you realise exactly how short life is.