Any family lawyers here? - feeling scared and need urgent advice

[bopfactory]

Need some urgent advice. Brief back story - husband and I separated in Feb and he moved out of the family home 8 weeks ago (though he didn't want to) and has been staying with friends. He is moving into a rented flat this weekend. Although it started off with him saying he wanted to be amicable, since moving out he will not speak to me apart from brief texts regarding seeing the 4 DCs. A lot of his texts are very curt, rude even, but I get that he's hurt so have just been replying civilly.

Yesterday he texted to say he intended to come to the house on Thursday (i.e. tomorrow) to collect more possessions, and requested that I am not here when he does so. He called round today after work to collect the family car for tonight to move things (it's a 7 seater so makes sense to carry more). He took out all the seats and pretty much chucked them at me in the hallway leaving me to lug them out of the way. Fine, I get that he's angry. I asked him what he wanted to collect tomorrow, could I box anything up for him etc. He said he was taking half the kitchen stuff, plates, cutlery etc as he has nothing. Again, I'm fine with him having plates etc.

But what I want to know is can he just come and take stuff while I'm not here. Should I be here? Should I ask someone to come round as protection for both of us, as a witness sort of thing? He's already told my dad this evening that I 'threatened' him with a solicitor. I don't have a solicitor! We agreed at the beginning that we would sort things out between us as we can't afford lawyers' fees. What I actually said to him was that we need to talk. He said 'I can't talk to you, you're making me ill'. So I said well then it will have to be done through a solicitor. He said 'Oh I've already talked to one and you'll be hearing from them soon.' I'm scared. He's told my dad (who rang him later to ask if there's any way they can help smooth things over a bit) that I have 'fucked him over' - that I have the house, the car, etc etc (the house is in joint names so that's rubbish, I'm living here with the DCs though).

So should I be here tomorrow when he comes? I want to be, and I don't want to be! I don't know what to do. Please if anyone knows about this kind of thing I'd really appreciate some urgent advice.

Not a family lawyer but...

a) Don't be out when he comes. He could take anything!
b) See a solicitor.

He took out all the seats and pretty much chucked them at me in the hallway leaving me to lug them out of the way. Fine,

No, that is NOT FINE!

The kids could have been walking by as he chucked them! Who the fuck does this?

And why are you facilitating his pathetic child-like anger?

iflyaway I'm not facilitating it I just don't know what to do. The two youngest DC were here.

Please has anyone got any advice to where I stand legally with him coming round while I'm not here to take stuff?

i am not a lawyer. This is not legal advice.

My advice would be not to be there alone with him because he sounds aggressive and it could be dangerous. But before he comes remove everything you don't want to lose. It's especially important you get all the evidence you can of all financial stuff, dcs passports etc. Then all sentimental things (dcs photos, stuff your parents gave you, items you are fond of. It sounds like he intends to strip the house so don't underestimate what he will do to your precious belongings.

What if he doesn't give the car back?

I assume that you instigated the separation?

I'm not excusing his behaviour but, having been in his shoes, it is absolutely devastating.

If he is avoiding contact, it could be that he can't bear to see you, that it hurts. MN advice is always to go nc, and to collect stuff while they're out.

Surely you can see that he feels hard done by, moving into a rented flat, no longer living with his dc, not even having cutlery or crockery?

Unless he was abusive, why not cut him some slack embrace the nc while he comes to terms with his changed future? I think I would be present when he came to collect things because you do need to see what he's taking, but distant, don't engage. If he is generally decent, you may yet be able to do this amicably once he's adjusted.

since moving out he will not speak to me apart from brief texts regarding seeing the 4 DCs surely that's the only thing you need to speak about? How come he has moved out? Are you the primary carer for the children? No he shouldn't be rude but he's just trying to move on imo.

Not a legal expert but he has as much right to coming around when you’re not there as you have of being there when he’s there. Personally, I would be at home but not in the same space. He has every right to be angry and upset but not to be aggressive towards you and if he pulls that shit again, speak to the Police before he feels the right to escalate it.

Make an inventory and anything you don’t want him taking should be conveniently unavailable. Oh and him maintaining limited contact is to your advantage, anything that needs to be done officially can go through a solicitor.

Break ups hurt but it doesn’t give you the right to be an arse, especially in front of your children.

Thanks for your comments everyone. In the end I left him to it for half an hour but then came back. He was actually quite calm and asked permission to take items there are only one of IYSWIM. I just said yes to whatever, it is only stuff I suppose. You are right Rainy he is devastated and why make it worse for him?
He actually texted my later to say thank you for not making it any worse for him than it already is.

I'm sorry you are in this situation. And it sounds like you were able to both handle the situation well.

Ex left me this year. He treated the children and I very badly. I have gone as nc as possible. I want nothing to do with the waste of space that he is. He destroyed me and my son is now self harming. I am sure your situation is less distressing but he is hurt. Give it time. Im six months down the line I can be polite at hand over now. I just pity him and the ow.