DH has been lying again *sigh*

[Missnearlyvintage]

As in the title, DH used to lie quite a lot. After a spectacularly large set of lies 18 months ago he had some CBT and I thought we were getting somewhere, there were less lies as far as I knew and less unhappy surprises for me. He would lie about big and tiny things.

But it seems that his habit is still there and the latest lies I've accidentally uncovered today are so small in the grand scheme of things, but I am so furious because they're so stupid and not even cleverly done - I was bound to find out at some point that he'd lied! (I found things stashed in garage behind DIY rubbish that he was supposed to have returned to shops, or that I had asked about and he'd denied knowledge of like my lost spare coat).

I imagine if/when I mention this to DH I'll get the same lines as usual from him about it all, so it's hardly worth my time, but he absolutely knows how hurtful this stuff is to me, and yet he seems to carry on regardless.

Sometimes I don't know why I bother! I'm in the middle of planning his birthday which is coming up, and don't know if I can be bothered now. Apologies, this is more of a rant really, but if anyone has any useful advice I would really appreciate hearing it.

Thank you everyone x

It does not sound like he is going to change. It sounds exhausting.

What's the end result for you? Do you see a future with someone who is so dishonest?

I wouldn’t continue in a marriage under these circumstances. Sounds like a mental health disease that will take years to treat.

Does he have mental health issues?

Why would he deliberately hide a coat? Does he have a spending problem?

Do you have children together?

Yes, we've got kids and I don't want to leave. Apart from this lying he is a lovely person and most of it isn't spiteful, just exhausting and stressful for me to pick up the pieces after bigger lies in the past.

He went through some traumatic events in his childhood (his DM has MH issues and he saw a lot of horrid things when he was growing up and was expected to carry on as usual with no support from his family or anyone really). I have tried always tried to support him through this - I really sympathise and it was part of the reason he had CBT.

I spoke to him and he did the usual teenager-ish sulky voice with a apology and a comment about how this happened ages ago and that he doesn't do that sort of thing any more now. I gave up with any further conversation about it as it was like flogging a dead horse. If he was a DC I would be taking away one of his toys now as punishment, but he's DH not a DC.

I did consider taking away his games console, hiding it in his pile of rubbish in the garage and saying I didn't know where it was, but it seemed a bit juvenile. (Although I'm sure it would have been very satisfying for me to do!)

I've no idea why my coat is in that pile, but he would have known it was my coat, and it is never usually anywhere near the garage so it has been put there for some reason. Even if just lack of care on my part if he was clearing the boot of the carpet samples quickly and it got swept up with them etc. Obviously he couldn't have told me where to look in the garage for it as then I would've seen the carpet samples so he kept his denied all knowledge.

Maybe he needs a taste of his own medicine and I shouldn't be so honest with him? It seems a bit tit for tat, but I've tried all the different ways of talking to him about it...

Even if just lack of care on his part if he was clearing out the boot quickly...* Sorry got distracted while typing!

My STBEXH is exactly the same as this - tells small lies or lies by omission and then says the latter is not the same as lying outright.

He also had a really bad childhood and has had years of therapy but nothing has ever changed.

I have reached the end of my tether with him on other matters as well and he moved out at the weekend after I told him at the end of April that he had to leave.

Is he still doing the CBT? Maybe he needs to go back to it.

Tit for tat revenge may make you feel better for a short while but you know it's not a proper solution.

SortingItOut - sorry to hear you've had a similar experience, but I'm glad you've looked after yourself and moved on.

cakecakecheese - No CBT now, he only did about 8 sessions 18 months ago as that was what was offered on the NHS. He's much more up and together than he was when he last got referred so I don't think he'd qualify now on the NHS, and we can't afford private therapy unfortunately. And yes you are right, tit for tat isn't the answer!

Well to update, after mulling it all over he decided that the best thing to do was to grovel, which is unlike him, as usually it would turn into a festival of self-pity on his part when he was caught out. So there is a change there I suppose. And he has done the laundry this evening so he must be racking his brain for little things which will make me less annoyed and frustrated with him, (we made a deal that he would maintain the cars as I don't have a clue about that, and in exchange I'd do the laundry - I think he does less than 5 loads of laundry a year and he's already done two tonight...).

Thanks again everyone, sometimes it all just feels messed up, and it gets to the point where I don't really want to tell my DM about it or anyone because I'm like a broken record with it all, and I don't want everyone to view him as a bad husband for these issues which are only a small percentage of life with him.