What would you do?

[Coco4dogs]

Hey, I have not posted on here before so please bare with me. I am just after a bit of advice and what would you do. Its a bit of a long one.

My husband and I separated in August last year things hadn't been good for a long time. In October I started seeing someone new, from the outset he told me that this was all new to him, he has never been around kids before and was worried about how he would cope with my 4 year old son.

Since October things have been mostly good, we have had some arguments about silly things but we manage to communicate really well and talk them out.

We have decided to move in together which means I will live closer to work and family and we can share the house bills etc, we will be renting. I know this is quick but it does feel right.

So last night we had a little bit of a disagreement which we have talked out today, but whist talking it out he has told me he is feeling a lot of pressure and responsibility and he is not sure how it will affect him going forward. He said that he can't be sure that we are not going to break up and he feels like he needs to be honest with me about it. He said he has no intention of breaking up right now, but because I said to him that once I have moved my son to the new area and he is in a new school I don't particularly want to be moving him again bf said he feels like it is my expectation that we will be together forever and he cant guarantee that.

I feel like it is so unfair of him to say that to me, of course I know that there are no guarantees in life, but I guess it just makes me doubt why he feels the need to say it out loud. Is it so he doesn't feel guilty for bailing later on? I feel like he has pulled the carpet from underneath me and I don't know if the relationship is now stable enough to go ahead with the move.

He has said that he wants us to move in together still, but he needs to tell me this to relieve his anxiety.

I have always been an insecure person and this has made me feel like running for the hills. Like I need to self preserve and protect and cut my losses before I get really hurt. The rational side of me is saying that he has had a lot of change and stress at the moment and he is bound to feel anxious (change in Job, & the house, being with me and my son, and his car is out of action at the moment) but the irrational side of me wants to put up the walls and finish it now.

What would you do?

I'm getting old now so maybe overcautious but certainly wouldn't consider moving another man in yours and your child's life so quickly! Its less than a year since your marriage broke down and you need time to learn to be yourself and a mum without a husband in the background.

Could it be that you are a bit apprehensive/scared about being on your own and want to have someone with you to share the inevitable stresses of being a mum?
Your new partner/boyfriend sounds like he isn't ready for such a big step so you need to listen to him AND your gut feelings!!

I know this is quick but it does feel right.

How can you say it 'feels right' if your instincts are telling you to run for the hills? Trust your instincts, you need MUCH more time after the breakdown of your marriage. And you should still be in the honeymoon period, to hear you've already had lots of 'disagreements' rings alarm bells with me. I think you need to reconsider the relationship.

Sorry, just read that back again and realised how disjointed it sounds!!

To clarify, I was talking about the act of living together, not introducing another man into your life in a relationship!!

There would be no harm in taking a step back and slowing down the whole moving in thing until both you and your boyfriend are ready.

B x

I think that now the time is getting close, he's getting cold feet. It sounds like he still wants to be a couple but is scared of the "pressure" of living together. If it were me, I'd call off the living together for now. It doesn't mean you need to break up, but if he's going in to it feeling like he does, then it doesn't bode well for it working out.

WWID?
I’d think like a parent....And like an adult.

If I met and dated someone for 6 months only - i’d not be moving in together, unless things were perfect and going from strength to strength.... and even then, I’d want more time....

If I had a young kid who when though a trauma of divorce - and I met someone and dated for 6 months - I would DEFINETELY not be moving in together, until much, much later.
And - actually, until the relationship felt like it’s past the ‘testing’ stage.

Bills, and convenience notwithstanding....

I would say he is being honest which is good and I would wait another year before moving in.

It gives him more time to establish a relationship with you and your son and be more confident.

Just because he is not ready for this, doesn’t mean he is planning on bailing.

You said yourself it is quick. So why not slow it down ?

Young kid who ‘went through’

Damn autocorrect!!!

Thanks for your honesty MrsArthurShappey & Blobby10, I know it is very quick, but I really have never had such an open and honest relationship with anyone. I have a terrible history of running when things get bad and I guess I don't want to give up on something that feels so good the majority of the time and go back to the way I was before my husband which was basically, bail as soon as it gets tough. I just feel so torn.

What’s the problem with waiting? It is way too soon in my opinion and he is obviously not sure either.

I don’t see how you can say it feels so right when he has doubts and you keep having disagreements.

I think you'd be taking too much of a risk by moving in with him right now. He's telling you that he might not be in it for the duration which in itself is odd at the start of a relationship.

Hold fire would be my advice.

He's actually doing the right thing because he can see what a huge deal moving is when you have a little kid to consider rather than just the two of you. He could easily keep quiet and just see how it goes.

But I would not move now. Either carry on as you have been or end it. No relationship comes with a guarantee but this is particularly risky for your son.

There's a huge middle ground between "move me and my son in with this man in a new area" and "bail on the whole thing".
If hes not sure, why not have another year just as you are?

Well.... He's telling you who he is - Listen to him.
This moved way to quickly and you know it.
Look up 'Love Bombing' on google.

Take a step back.
He's getting cold feet.
Could you afford the new place on your own without him?
If not, then do NOT move.
Your 4 YO head must be spinning.

You do NOT need a man.
Moving on from a marriage after 2 month with a 4 YO is not good.
You've had no time for YOU.
Or just YOU and SON time.
Your DC needs time to adjust to being without his DDad.

Please take your time in future.

You don't have to give up though. Keep learning about each other and spending time together whilst living apart.

If you can make a relationship last forever with this man then your relationship MUST be able to withstand that. If it can't survive that for another year or so, then it was doomed to crash and burn.

Maybe he has picked on your insecurities and need for confirmation of his total commitment and therefore he isn't sure that you have considered the consequences for you and your son if things didn't work out.

I think you are lucky to have a found a partner who is taking very seriously what he is taking on. Any man can say ok to you and your son moving and then totally messing you about when he decides that he doesn't much to gain from it.

Your partner has clearly considered the implications and inevitably feels anxious about it and rightly so. Your relationship is still young, and moving in with someone with children when you don't have any is a big shock to the system. He is clearly aware of what it means to you and your son to uproot yourself, especially your son. What he is trying to tell you is to consider what it would mean IF indeed, you were to separate. Would you be ok to stay in the area or would you move back where you are and what would that mean for your son.

You can't expect him to commit to you at this stage. You are moving in together, and that will involve some testing of the waters. He is telling you because if it does go wrong, he doesn't want you to hold it against him, that you made sacrifices for him and that he is therefore being a jerk for breaking up with you if he felt that living together is not going to work.

Maybe you need to consider waiting a bit longer to get to know each other better, especially in relation to his accepting your son, how you are bringing him up and vice versa, although it's still not possible to be 100% sure it will work until it happens.

I get that coco but an 'open and honest' relationship doesn't mean it's a good relationship. I'm not saying get out, just slow down

If this relationship really feels so "right" you wouldn't be asking for advice and feel so torn. Your boyfriend saying he doesn't know if it will work out is a HUGE red flag. Seems to me he already has one foot out the door. You really really need to slow down and start making mature decisions. Moving in after just six months, especially given the fact that you have a child, is not a good choice. Way too much, way too soon.

Slow down. For your son's sake if not your own.