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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

30 weeks pregnant and paranoid we will grow apart and partner will be unfaithful

15 replies

pattymc · 21/05/2007 12:19

So many of our friends, if not all of them, seem to bicker and grow far apart after having children and I'm so worried it will happen to us. Also worry that my partner will lose interest in me sexually and look elsewhere. He is being wonderful and loving so why am I feeling this way? Fear I will drive him away. In fact I seem to worry non stop about one thing or another!

OP posts:
Uki · 21/05/2007 12:26

Hi Patty
Sounds like quite noraml pregancy induced anxiety to me. It all seems like such a big change to have a LO but we are naturally prepared to be parents. You and your partner will fall in love with LO.

My dh and I had such fun gooing over him together and doing impersenations of his little gestures, we still do, makes us laugh

All my friends who had kids divorced (when I was younger), and it put me off wanting them for many, many years, but underneath there were many other issues than the kids that caused it.

MissGolightly · 21/05/2007 12:28

Don't worry! My partner and I have never been closer - he is a wonderful father and our shared joy in our baby has bought us closer together in every way.

On a practical level he hardly ever goes out drinking any more so has precious few opportunities to be unfaithful

madamez · 21/05/2007 12:59

DOn't stress! For one thing, you're a cocktail of boiling hormones at the moment, so you're not entirely rational - also, you're facing one of the biggest life-changing things there is, so it's perfectly understandable that you feel a bit anxious. If things were OK between you and your DP before the pregnancy, you both wanted it, and things are OK in general, then there's no reason why they shouldn't remain OK. THough there will be squabbles and cross times and miserable times. But they'll pass.

PregnantGrrrl · 21/05/2007 13:04

there is every chance that you'll grow stronger and happier as a couple when your child arrives. Don't you think these couples you know probably had less than perfect relationships beforehand?

DP and i are stronger and more in love since DS arrived IMO. Watching the person you love most fall in love with your child is amazing.

Pregnancy does weird things to your body and your mind- try not to worry and enjoy the peace for now!

skidaddle · 21/05/2007 13:41

Well said pregnant grrrl, I think that is exactly the key - you love each other and are bonded by this overwhelming love for your baby. I think problems start when one parent (almost always the man) doesn't fall madly in love with the baby and leaves most of the babycare to the woman - then you don;t have this love for the baby to unite you, he might feel jealous of all the attention the woman is giving the baby and he might even start to look elsewhere for affection if he is a complete arse.

But like others dp and I are definitely even more in love now we have dd

allgonebellyup · 21/05/2007 14:11

skidaddle, not mostly the man in our case - it was me who had little time for the baby and dh who fell in love with him. We have since split!

Mumpbump · 21/05/2007 14:19

Have you spoken to your dp about this? Both dh and I were worried that the other would prioritise ds over us, iyswim, but I think having ds has brought us closer and given a new depth to our relationship. Sometimes it is hard, but as we both adore ds, I don't think either of us feels threatened/excluded because we understand how the other one feels...

DivaSkyChick · 21/05/2007 14:55

Hi Patty,

Same dates, going through the same thing but especially since reading all the sad breakup threads on here.

I'm so obessed with what's happening to MLS and Lillybubble, Ernest, etc., that I seem to take their hurts very personally. I even had to stop contributing to their threads bc I found myself being extremely unhelpful with all my indignation, instead of being supportive.

You mention your friends so I assume they are RL? I guess one proactive thing to do is to watch and learn. WHY are they growing apart? My husband has always called me his "action barbie" because we skydive and climb and surf and now I feel just pathetic and fat and boring... I have to keep shaking myself and reminding myself that I'm PG, not fat and sad. Sexy comes from attitude, not just a firm butt! keep making love to your husband and experiencing life, read the newspapers, get indignant about politics, laugh and have some quality time with your dh. All will be well.

sorry for the long post, hope it helps.

Mandy

mylittlestar · 21/05/2007 15:33

I'd say that how you're feeling now is completely normal. But I'd use it to make sure you don't drift apart. Remember why you love each other in the first place, have little chats about your concerns and make sure you both keep making the effort to do special things for each other. Rather than turn concerns into big issues or arguments, use them positively to get the reassurance and love you need.
(And however hard it is at first, remember that even though it will seem like every second has to revolve around the baby - it doesn't have to! New babies sleep a lot! And even though you may not want to be jumping into bed with him, a cuddle, massage etc can work wonders!)

My situation was very different as dh's affair happened as a result of many things, not just lack of time and focus on each other. The counselling has showed a number of issues that affected him a lot more than he even realised himself. (Not making any excuses here btw!)

But anyway, looking back to when ds was born, the little things we'd do for each other mattered so much. Running nice baths, making nice meals for each other, little gifts or text messages saying how much we loved each other etc etc really made me feel special.

You need to be confident about yourself too. Your partner will not look elsewhere when he has everything he needs right there in front of him. As long as you believe that, he will too.

I had so many confidence issues after I first had ds and now I look at myself and am so so so happy with what I see. I've changed for the better in so many ways. In just took me a while to realise it. And my beautiful baby is the icing on the cake.

Don't worry about feeling this way either. But also try not to dwell on it. Use it in a positive way to make sure you don't make the mistakes that you've seen others make. The fact that you're even thinking of these things makes me think you will be absolutely fine

motherinferior · 21/05/2007 15:39

Or look at it another way. In truth, a lot of us do bicker and regard our partners with exhausted hatred in the first few months of their babies' lives.

But it passes

pattymc · 21/05/2007 19:15

I can't tell you how much all this advice means to me and the confidence it has given me already just reading these messages (I've been out all day since I posted the message and have just got in). I feel so close to my partner now that I guess I worry it may never be the same again BUT I guess a lot of the times when I see friends bickering is at social occasions when it can be more stressful and that you don't see the moments at home and the real sense of togetherness. I guess a lot of self confidence comes from independence which I feel I am losing by becoming dependent on my partner money wise but Mandy thank you for your insprirational comments - "Sexy comes from attitude, not just a firm butt! keep making love to your husband and experiencing life, read the newspapers, get indignant about politics, laugh and have some quality time with your dh"
He's home now and I feel better already thanks mums

OP posts:
MissGolightly · 21/05/2007 19:19

I think in many ways having a baby magnifies both the strengths and weaknesses of relationships. Cracks widen, just as bonds strengthen. After a long day with a screaming baby your partner's aversion to the washing up can seem like a total betrayal. But equally his thoughtfulness in bringing you a cup of coffee in bed will reduce you to tears and you will learn to value his love and support even more.

MissGolightly · 21/05/2007 19:41

oops, cross-posted with you Patty. Sounds like you and your partner have a great relationship and I am sure it will be even better when the baby arrives.

theSelfishMan · 21/05/2007 19:48

One thing to remember is that friends with young children who bicker at social occasions - lets just say you may not be seeing them at their best.. (tiredness etc) Especially if they've had to wrangle some kids with them!

thegardener · 21/05/2007 21:22

don't worry about it & chat it over with your husband. I think we all feel abit like this.

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