He's made up his mind it's not going to work.

[hareinthemoon]

In the middle of a distressing breakup last year I had the very fortunate chance to go back to my country of birth. Hadn't been back for 20 years because of finances and it was just so lucky that I got the chance then. I went to stay with my sister for a month and it was fabulous, really healing, validating, I really felt I shifted my position on my breakup (I'd been going through it for a couple of years at that point; it was so long partly because he lied about everything and I never could get a handle on what was really going on, and kept hoping for a change that would save it, whereas it was really all over well before). I felt strong and happy...

I'd been having email correspondence with an old boyfriend from many many years before, for a couple of years. He was so good to chat to. We met up and sparks flew. He pursued me very ardently, creatively, in ways that made me feel so validated, especially after my horrible breakup. It was a difficult situation being long distance, but he'd immediately started putting in place plans to move here and be with me. He was so keen and so open, and I found myself falling in love again - despite the fact that he'd utterly broken my heart when we were younger by going off with someone else (after he'd pursued me extraordinarily ardently then too). He's visited three times since late last year and again I found myself drawn closer and closer. He was everything I wanted in a man, and he seemed over the moon to be with me too.

I last was with him a month ago and since he went back things have been a bit strained. He said this was because he was having to concentrate on work so that he could get things sorted to come over and I tried to leave him to it though there was a really precipitous falling away in the amount and quality of contact. Today he's emailed to say it's over. The job he had set up is not right for him (I can understand that) and I think he feels it will just be too hard to leave his kids (I completely understand that). But when I asked whether there would be a way for me to be there, he blocked the idea (that bloke thing of, no I would feel too awful to do that to you...). And lots of other "I thought I was strong enough but I'm not" stuff.

The thing is, he seemed to wait until I was completely trusting and believing in this future he was building, and then didn't seem to want it so much. I am feeling very vulnerable because with my ex-husband it was a similar pattern - he pursued me and we seemed absolutely deliriously happy for months - until we got married and then something changed. So I'm worried obviously that it is some problem with me that causes this.

Also I'm feeling just utterly heartbroken. I thought he was the perfect man for me - from logical as well as emotional standpoints. And now, suddenly, the same "you are utterly wonderful but it's not going to work" talk. I'm a little bemused at why I always seem to be "so wonderful" but not for more than a few months.

Looking for a hand hold really. Just so sad.

@hareinthemoon I know it seems tough my love but if you can go through the breakup of a marriage your sooo much stronger than you think you are also its best he was honest with you before things get even more serious and you dont want to be led on. Men suck xxxx

Thanks Busy, I know I am strong. Just...didn't want to have to be over this I guess.

I know it's better now rather than dragging on.

I don't think it's you, other than you're attracted to a type of relationship perhaps?Sounds like he lovebombed and future-faked you: whether in the rush of infatuation or bastardry, I don't know. I think being very full on and moving too fast tends to be a red flag. I'd cut contact with him, if I were you.

Thanks category12 - I think I really do need to address this thing of getting validation from ardent pursuit. I'm horribly susceptible to it. Does it always end badly then? FWIW I don't think he's meant to be a bastard, we've been friends for so long and I think he just got caught up in an emotional whirlwind that offered him a glimpse of a life away from the very difficult time he was having in his own life. He was definitely infatuated but I suppose I saw his actions (and I know the job offer was real, and his intentions to move real as well) as some kind of "proof" of the sincerity of his feelings. In one way I'm certain they were sincere; it's just that my own feelings are very sincere, very deep, and very strongly held, so I suppose I have a hard time distinguishing when they are not for other people.
I wonder what I can do to avoid falling for love bombing again. It's clearly unhealthy to like the validation...but it was so affirming
I know I need to cut contact. I will miss his friendship.

Just had The Phonecall - since the other information was by email. His youngest made a silly suicide attempt the other day (boyfriend breakup) and it's made him reconsider - plus I don't think I realised how close his business has come to going under while we were so wrapped up in each other, plus his finances are so tied up in the business he'd come away with nothing, which is so not-him. I understand all of it. I just think we were so well-matched in so many ways, I am just heartbroken, no other word for it. Thank goodness for friends. I know I'll get past it, and I know that is the end of contact. For myself I don't really understand why anyone would choose work and money over love...but I guess that is exactly the kind of thing that makes the world go round. And I really will miss his friendship.

He's choosing his kids though, which is what you would expect/hope for.

But he's choosing his children surely - and that is the biggest love there is.
He's looking out for his future too, which is an absolute must.
You can't live without money. It's a simple as that.
He doesn't want to be with you and that's not nice to hear at all.

It's gonna be crap for a little while but you've been through worse.
Get out there and enjoy your new single life!

Yes, I absolutely can't fault any of the reasons at all. And I know I have been through much worse - at least he has been honest, and I know where I stand, and there is no fuckery. All that is good. I think I'm a while away from getting out there, though I am ok on my own mostly. It's just sad I guess.

OP - to be honest - i’d be wary of anyone who’d be considering (mentioning, promising) moving counties so early in a relationship.
Unless they are young and un-attached to anything where they live - say a young student who can study anywhere, a freelancer.....

It’s not a sign of a normal mature approach to life.
And - in that light - it’s not surprising that it turned out this way.
This man is a dreamer. Not an adult that can build a relationship.

I can totally empathise with you. I am also in the middle of a decision about my long distance relationship. We see each other every three months approximately and I am very much in love with him. But I have asked him to tell me how we can be together in the future because a long distance relationship with no future plans is doomed. You need to see an end to it.

In our case it has been 18 months and it has been easy to pretend that our messaging and phone calls and brief visits add up to a relationship - but I question if it really is. if there is no commitment to being together in the future there really cannot be a relationship in the real sense of the word.

he also has children and other commitments abroad that mean that it is many years before we are likely to be able to be together.

I would let this one go until you are in a better place. A few months of being on your own will allow you to reassess what you want. The fantasy of him coming to be with you is exciting (I know) but it isn't real.

I don't know what will happen in my case - but I already feel that I need a solid future and he can't give it to me. I think your OH has helped you by ending it. Holding on to a relationship that can't work for logistical reasons is soul destroying.

remember it's awful, isn't it? I think for me I feel so old and (before I reconnected with this man) so undesirable that I guess it's felt like my last chance of happiness...something like that. Just at the moment I can't see how I would find anyone who knew me so well and who loved me...we had known each other for over 35 years (obviously with gaps). And he's just...lovely. But - where there is no future there is little point being invested.
Gosh it hurts though.

I think you’re always been way too invested in the ‘what could have been’ with this man and that gave him an in, especially when he knows that you’re a sucker for love bombing. I think he played you; you were a temporary ego boost, a convenient distraction and he dropped before shit got real. Of course I understand your need for the ‘right guy, wrong time’ narrative but that does leave vulnerable for the next time.

Your 35 ffs! There’s a lot of life and love to be had but I think you need to understand yourself and your vulnerabilities a lot better because there are some very astute players out there who will exploit them for their own selfish gain.

AgentJohnson i assume that if OP has known this guy for 35 years she’s a fair bit older than 35 herself?

OP: you need to love bomb yourself! Get that affirmation from the person who matters most, you. How would you usually show yourself love? What do you enjoy doing most?

Just some ideas... go have a look on Facebook at local events, with your diary in front of you, and choose some events in the next few weeks and months that appeal to you. Put them in your diary. Do you enjoy food? Have a look for new cafes and restaurants you haven’t tried before that look amazing. Make a date with yourself. Whatever feeds your soul the most, start doing it. For me it’s music, but for you it could be anything. Exercise? Sport? Seeing friends more? Pampering yourself? Joining a gym? Going to art galleries? Volunteering? Finding ways to inject joy into your normal daily routine: make sure if you have to do boring stuff like eat breakfast and shower ever day you’re eating something you really love and using soap that smells and feels lovely instead of bog standard whatever is in the bathroom.

Start writing a gratitude journal, each day try and write down three things you’re grateful for, and one thing you’re proud of in yourself, big or small.

Show yourself love by investing time into the things that make you happy, whether it’s carving out time to sit and read a book you’ve always wanted to read, or doing the housework so you can relax in a clean tidy environment afterwards.

There is so much more to life than romantic relationships and it can be scary when you leave one, not being used to being single and only having yourself as your default company each day. But it can be lovely and freeing too.

Just love bomb yourself, so that there isn’t an empty needy gap there for the next guy to pick up on and fill with his love bombs. Only yours will be more authentic because you know it’s real and will never go away.

Thanks Walking - all of those are good techniques, and I use them and have used them. Some of them do fall by the wayside when you are managing work and a LDR and all the rest, so yes, I shall be picking them up again. I am used to being single and have been for a while...I really didn't expect to find someone under my nose, so to speak. Also my work could do with a bit of love and care...I have lots on, and I will pick myself up.

I have tried to lovebomb myself, with some success: I just find it exhausting to try to produce that level of regard for myself. Just at the moment my friends are helping me with that, so that is useful. Once I get a bit more momentum going it will be easier. I do feel most awfully flat.

Having said that, when my marriage ended - partly because of how it ended - I was left feeling utterly rejected and unworthy. I worked hard to change that around (as the post said originally). I know the "player" narrative is an often unavoidable conclusion to draw from stories like this - it's just, I know he's not one. He's very honest and ethical. Perhaps there was some dreaming going on, on both sides, but we have each spent the past however many decades devoted to the needs of others, some of whom gave little back. We saw a potential for our own happiness and tried to see if it could be made to work. All I can say is that there was a chance that this could have come off, and there were concrete plans, which have unluckily - not maliciously - not come to pass. That's not the same as a sheer pipe dream. In my life I have known several relationships with similar stories work out well, so even if it seems an unlikely scenario for success to others I have seen it happen. And I know him very well, and I'm fairly sure we could have had a good chance of being happy if circumstances had been kinder. I don't think it's necessarily naive or silly to have started down the road of the relationship. I know it hurts a lot at the moment. But he never once made me feel unwanted, or boring, or less than beautiful, or lacking in any way. And from experience that is a lot easier platform to start off on love bombing yourself than the one I was left on after my marriage.

Hare - I totally get this too (we are on the same journey it seems!).

My LDR partner is the most wonderful man I have ever met. Calm, caring, invested and has always treated me like I am special and worthwhile.

But he can't change the facts. He is in his country and I am in mine and there are no plans to fix that.

Over the last few days I have not contacted him and he contacted me today and was just normal - no recognition of the questions I had asked or the answers I needed.

the problem with long distance is that it is easier to gloss over issues until they become critical.

However, I have taken the time to work on myself - to put him out of my mind and to be more present for my daughter. The effort required to keep up communication in these types of relationships is hard work and having that time back has been a revelation.

I hope you can use the time to find your passions again and before too long you will find someone to share them with.

And don't forget that actually living with someone is so different to just messaging or calling them. That feeling of excitement that is there throughout a LDR would disappear and I wonder what would replace it. Would it quickly become boring?

I am 45 and the reason I am pushing for future plans is because I don't want to wait either. I don't want to be here in 5 years still waiting for the time when we can be together. there's only so long you can hold on to hope.

remember yes, there are a lot of similarities! Yes to the problems being more easily glossed over - and it's a double whammy because in a normal relationship you'd have a hug or look into their face or cuddle on the sofa or whatever and just talk something through - physical touch can tell you how things are going in ways words don't entirely fulfil. And that touch, communication, it happens along the way - you don't always have to carve out time for it the way you do in a LDR, so yes, I totally get the thing of having that time back.

I don't think I would have been bored with my friend - he is different from me in complementary ways that would have been a challenge. But I think it would have been worth it, and the ways in which we were similarly matched more than made up for the other side of it. And I am 54, with a body that shows my age and my struggles, and I'm not sure I ever expected a physical connection and acceptance that made me utterly at home with that. Especially after my marriage breakdown. I was really pretty much without hope that anything in the relationship department would happen, and tried to be ok with that. I would love to find my passions again, but rather sadly, this LDR and I shared many passions I had forgotten and I was in the process of rediscovering them, so they will be a bit loaded too for a few months I think.

But as I said, plenty of work to be going on with, and yes, other passions too. I am going to work hard at building a joyous life for myself. And great good luck to you too.