Husband and I live apart and I see no benefit in staying ‘together’

[lippyliz]

Been together 16 years, he had brief affair 2 years ago, took him 18 months to move out and we were on verge of finalising divorce. He moved out last September and realised what he’d lost. Wanted us to be together again. I was unsure as we have 13 and 15 year old and they wouldn’t want him back (they say). Anyway, we bought him a flat with money he would’ve got from settlement and we always said we’d look at moving back together in the short term. 8 months later and both are happy living separately except, he wants to see me more, I don’t. I don’t feel like we’re together - no photos, no social media interaction, just a few drinks in the pub. I’m bored, I have no interest in a relationship yet its nice to see him. Briefly. I’m so confused. He pays maintenance towards the girls but I’m struggling money wise. He has no real outgoings and earns 4x more than me. I have the house with small mortgage and all the outgoings, I can’t claim any benefits whatsoever cos I part own the flat and I’m struggling. He doesn’t help me out financially though I don’t know if he should be - part of me thinks he should if he wants us to be together. I think I just feel increasingly let down by him and really need to be on my own. I’m still hurt by his affair and generally sad about the way my life has turned out. I have an incredible good relationship with my daughters who are my everything.

Questions you need answers too:
Why does he want to see you more if hes happy living seperately?
Why is it nice to see him if you have no interest in a relationship?
Is he trustworthy? Is he stringing you along to avoid paying out for a divorce settlement.?

Answers to your questions.
You may be eligable for working tax credit try the entitled to website
Technically if you are both still married and everything is in both your names he is still legally responsible for them. I.e if house is in both names and you stop paying the mortgage he will still be liable for payment.

If you dont want to be with him you need to divorce and divide up marital assets. In the mean time child maintainance based on his good graces or the CSA is all you can get from him.

In that scenario, I would struggle to feel any real connection for someone who knowingly let me & our children struggle financially, while they didn't, & didn't do anything to help. Is he withholding further financial support as a "carrot" in the hope that it will make you want to move back in, do you think? For me, it would do the exact opposite.

Thank you both.

I think he wants to see me more because he enjoys being with me. I see him having the best of both worlds. His own place and independence and me at home to look after and do everything for our kids whilst he does nothing and to see me whenever he would like.

When the divorce was nearly finalised we’d split everything as per agreement, it’s just his name still on the mortgage.

It’s nice to see him on a friend’s basis, but no more really. I realise I’m on no way ready for a relationship even if it is with my husband.

The hurt after the affair, his lack of effort with the kids, his attitude to our 13 year old who hasn’t spoken to him for nearly a year, his lack of empathy over money (although he’ll pay for drinks when we go out), his attitude in general etc is not what I want from a relationship. I wouldn’t stand it from anyone else.

I don’t have a key to his flat either. He always said I would but he’s never given me one. I’m talking myself into a split further but I’m bothrred I’m not strong enough to see it through when he tries to talk me round.

It sounds like inertia keeping you in the situation rather than anything else.

I think you should revisit the financials (if still possible) with a solicitor, just to make sure the deal you're getting is actually fair.

And stop dating him and reduce contact. I don't think it's working for you.

Seriously? He lives on his own in a flat, no responsibility for childcare, running a family home etc. You're struggling financially, working, looking after the children etc. He's enjoying his nice life and stringing you along at the same time.

I can't imagine what this is doing for your self esteem but I'm pretty sure that by getting a divorce and moving on with your life you would get your old self back again.

divorce him. look at money again.

Hi I have some understanding.
Husband and I seperated then decided to get back together but are currently living seperately.
The financial situation while dating is incredibly tricky. Because if he was just a straight new boyfriend you wouldnt expect more and the childs father would just pay child maintaince.
Having said that my dh does give more to cover some bills and knows that if we reconcillefd i would expect a 50/50 split re family related outgoings.
Also the seperation was a real wake up call for dh in terms of his involvement and responsibility to the kids which just wasnt there before the split.
Also despite everything I know I will always love him even if we never fully reconcile.
We spoke about my frustrations with the living seperatly situation recently and have agreed to counselling within a time frame leading to amicable complete divorce or total reconciliation.
It doesnt sound like you guys are at that point and Id suggest counselling to help you get there as Its really difficult to make the decision when the other person has been part of your life for a long time.

It is very hard when you’re married to him and love him but more as a friend really. I don’t want to live with him again, but I don’t mind having a coffee with him as friends do and I’m at the point of explaining how I feel but my depressive state of mind is finding it hard to put into words without the immense upset and emotion it will cause me. The financials were sorted out to my advantage by solicitors and I’m happy with that though I could’ve gone for spousal support but chose not to. I got the house with very small mortgage and cash for home improvements and he got the remaining cash which was enough to buy and furnish a very nice flat with money to spare and he has his large wage so he’s laughing really. If we were divorced then this financial situation would be similar for me tho I’d be able to claim some universal credit which would help. I took on a second job selling avon 3-4 montgs ago which isn’t very lucrative but I’m putting it aside trying to save for Christmas. A holiday this year is a no-no which kids are disappointed with whilst he’s planning on taking scuba diving courses.... he’s proud I’ve got a second job though and trying my best to get more money. I don’t think he means to sound as patronising as he does

He has no real outgoings and earns 4x more than me.

Surely he should be paying a fair amount in maintenance then? Are you sure he is paying what he should?

he’s proud I’ve got a second job though

He sounds a real prince!

Do you work full time? If so, then he should be ashamed that he earns 4 times what you do and still you have to work an extra job to help keep his children.

I don’t think he means to sound as patronising as he does

Then he needs telling OP. Have you told him?

Yes he pays a fair amount, the eldest has high expectations though and my god they eat a lot lol. I’m disappointed that when we were together everything was together and now he doesn’t live with us he sees no responsibility but perhaps that’s correct. I don’t know.

Yes I work full time and I do everything myself. I have no support as no family.

Go back to your solicitor and claim spousal maintenance and as much child maintenance as you are entitled to.
And stop the meet ups with your husband, who is clearly not a nice man if he’s happy to see you and his DC go without a holiday but he can afford to do his scuba diving courses. It’s about time he found someone else to play with when he’s bored.

And stop the meet ups with your husband, who is clearly not a nice man if he’s happy to see you and his DC go without a holiday but he can afford to do his scuba diving courses

Yes to this - I would tell him that I find it difficult to sit and have a nice chat with someone who is happy to see his kids go without a holiday and his wife work 2 jobs whilst he learns scuba diving.

Can't actually believe how incredibly selfish he sounds, imagine earning 4 times more and not even paying for your kids to have a holiday, never mind the fact you are doing all the child care; he wants to date you, tell him to go fuck himself; this man doesn't give a shit about anyone other than himself.

You sound a bit guilty or obligated for feeling that this is going nowhere and it will be you calling time - when in fact it was him who broke the marriage and family up by having the affair - you don't have to take him back or feel grateful that he wants to get back.

You sound exhausted - because you are emotionally and physically.

You just need a little bit of support now to get you over this last bump - maybe see a counsellor? Sounds like he has landed on his feet financially and practically. Would be reviewing that settlement again - seems massive disparity in "lifestyles" between him and his children and you.

Nasty bit of work for having and affair and an even nastier bit of work to watch his children and wife struggle. Fuck him right out of your life. That's why you feel so depressed and foggy because you know his actions are shoddy.

Thank you. I’ve asked him to meet me tomorrow to discuss. I’m very anxious about it

Hope it goes well. Having re read your post it does not sound like reconcilation would be in your interest or indeed something you want but just him pushing it.

Just read the last two comments, sorry my thread hadn’t caught up. I’ve just started seeing a counsellor so I’m hopu that’ll help and I realise I need him out of my life as my husband. The money thing was bugging me a lot but I wondered if it was me being selfish. I realise I’m perhaps not. He seems happy on his own and I’m happier on my own. The relationship seems to be of little to no benefit to me at all.

Hmm perhaps its a question of doing a spreadsheet of all your child related outgoings including holidays for them and showing him how much of what he gives you covers this.

If its a 80/20 split then obviously he would need to step up. Aldo taking into account your time spent on childcare when you could be working because he is at work and unavailable to carry that load.

If you are amicable why cant he pay for the kids to go with him when he goes on holiday and you only pay for yourself etc.

I think men in these situations remain blissfully unaware of the true cost of raising a child untill someone sets it out for them in black and white. They also tgink wen sit at gome allday staring at jeremy kyle. Hints just dont cut it.

Also setting the figures out clearly will help you decide if its just annoyance that he has more disposable income or a genuine case of him failing to provide as a father.

Divorce him and get tax credits and spousal support!