Leaving partner, what do I need to consider?

[Violetindigo32]

Been together 3 yrs, have a 1yr old Ds, renting at the moment, have 1 family car. We aren't married. We were supposed to be buying a house next year but I just can't be with him any more. No one's fault, well, I guess mine.

What do I need to consider before I leave? What arrangements would I have to make? Has anyone who has left a partner got advise?

I will have around £2k income a month on my own and rent is around £500 a month (north east) so should be fine in that respect.

Anybody?

No advice OP as I haven’t been in this situation but bumping for you.

The main thing financially that screwed me over was the deposit for a flat and having to buy bits of furniture as although I managed to split some stuff, things like a bed for my son and mattress had to be bought (when I had 0 money!)

Also, plans for child care, when I left, I had my little boy at weekends. However, when things settled down, it changed to week on week off, and we still do that now, it means we both get the rough with the smooth (monotony of school and childcare, and the fun of a weekend).

Go with the flow, to minimise the upheaval for your son.

Is it likely to go bad with your fella when you leave?

NoGoodAtHousework that's something I hadn't even considered. Most of the rentals around here aren't furnished which would mean bed, cot, sofa, small table and chair, high chair and then kitchen stuff as a minimum. Possibly white goods too. That's probably about two grand I don't have.

Not likely to go 'bad'. I worry it might be the other way. Partner really loves me but I just don't feel the same way about him anymore. I have told him how I feel and he says we need to try and make things work for our son, so I have and it's only been a week but I feel more and more trapped as money is being siphoned off weekly into our help to buy ISAs.

Gut feeling is that even if I did find the spark for him again, I'd just be feeling like this in 5 or 10 years time and wish I'd left sooner, while DS still doesn't understand. I honestly can't see a way back from this. if I stay I won't be miserable. He's a nice person and cares for us and we have a cosy life financially and nice in-laws-to-be (we are currently engaged but were not planning to marry for a long time anyway) and I would probably be reasonably content for the rest of my life. I know he would never ever hurt me. Maybe I should just settle. We're only mid-twentys and I just feel like there could be... Something else out there that makes me happy. Another person, a career, a move across country. I don't know.

Oh my god, I could have written this a few years ago!

You shouldn't think it's ok to settle, it's not, and as harsh as it sounds, it's not all about the kids. For everyone to be happy, everyone has to be happy!

It'll eventually start wearing and grating on you, no matter how cosy a life you have. If you want to try and spark things up, the. Go for it, but if not, don't hesitate to do you what is right for you.

If you do and it's crap and hard financially, trust me, it does get better. I left 3 years ago and have now been divorced for 4 months and whilst finances were non existent when I left, I'm better now than I've ever been (even managed to start saving!!). I have a wonderful new partner and step kids and my ex has a lovely lady, step kids, one on the way and a bright future. Our DA is happier now and more loving than he seemed before because we're all. Ore laid back and happy!

Do what is right for you, it's such a hard thing to actually do it. When I first dropped the bombshell of wanting to leave I rented myself a cottage for 2 weeks to get my head straight and see what being on my own was like...

That gives me some hope for a better future, thank you.

It seems so hard at the moment to just get the courage to do it and knowing how skint I will be for a good 4-6 months until I can get myself together. Also the idea of only seeing DS 50% of the time breaks my heart but I just can't see a way back from how I feel right now.

One practical suggestion - sign up to your local Freecycle group once you’re ready to move. Lots of furniture and other useful things go on there (though be careful with electrical stuff). I’m about to get rid of a mattress and a box of kitchen stuff on there and would definitely give priority to a newly single mother trying to furnish a flat from scratch.

Good luck - you will be ok. The time you have with your DS will be so precious. I definitely appreciate mine more now I don’t see them all the time, but also value the time I have on my own without them. It helps knowing they are happy when they are with their dad, of course.

One other thing which I did which helped was to link up with a couple of neighbours. When I didn’t have the DCs, I babysat for them for free occasionally. This meant I had some options for me when I needed it - for parents’ evenings and things that couldn’t be rearranged.