When the people you are closest to don't feel the same way about you

[Lifebeginner]

I know it's silly but I just got off the phone with someone I consider to be my best friend and she only just told me a piece of news several weeks after it happened and after several of our friends already knew about it. It just hit me straight in the guts at that moment that while I consider her to be one of my closest friends I'm clearly not one of hers - I would instinctively share my news with her, right after my partner and family. To me she is like family and so although I know it's stupid it really hurt me to know I'm no longer as important in her life i.e not the person she'd feel like picking up the phone to when something good happens. (I'm obviously not basing this conclusion solely on this interaction btw, it just hammered it home for me.)

I guess the bigger picture for me and why it hurts is because I feel like this is the case with many of my relationships, that they mean a lot more to me than I do to them. I often feel I do the initiating and show a lot of interest in their lives which isn't reciprocated. Other than my parents and DH, I feel this is the case for nearly all my friendships and also with my siblings too and it's really getting me down and making me feel as though there is something wrong with me Does anyone else feel this way?

No there's nothing wrong with you!

I couldn't help noticing this could be a learnt pattern ie you've done the same with your siblings. I'm like you - ie a loving, kind and warm person () whom my siblings take for granted - and I've noticed a similar pattern in my relationships too.

Sadly, it's in the human psyche to not value what comes easily. So be a bit more hard to get when establishing relationships. For those already established step back a bit.

There's nothing wrong with you! I wish there were more like you and me

@springydaff Thank you for your kind response, I do think you might have something there. Because these are longstanding relationships it does seem like it's become a bit of a pattern that I do the initiating. I don't know why people value you less when you clearly show you care but it does seem to be the case, that when you're easily available and accessible that people equate that with less value. If you seem less invested and more 'hard to get', oddly enough people seem to want befriend you even more.

I worry though if I pull back people just won't even bother at all

I know the feeling. Asymmetric friendships suck ass. I think I'm good friends then it dawns on me that they never ring me and I do all the running. Once after a falling out I waited to see if they would ring me. 12 years later I'm still waiting.
Also when someone you thought was a friend says a comment that shows their full force of contempt for you...bye bye.

But the thing is I feel lighter without them in that I have fewer friends but we now have a two way relationship between us. It is nice to be without the joy hoovers.

Yes, I am in a similar situation sometimes. I agree it is a learned pattern. I think sometimes it can stem from not being valued as a child in your family. For me, I think I accepted being treated badly but learned to grin and bear it. I find again and again I end up being let down or there is some incident as John MCain mentions - a small remark which is just incredibly bitchy which knocks you sideways.
I sometimes wonder if the world is just made up of people who are only in it for themselves or have a nasty side.

I do also think that making yourself less available is a good thing. I have a sibling who treats me really quite badly... I do all the giving and she just takes. Never really remembers anything i say, only gets in touch when she wants something etc, yet I have always tried to support her. She often ignores my messages or makes out she is incredibly busy whilst I am just sitting around. I think just being less available to her might be a good thing.

That's exactly it, that unnerving feeling of asymmetry @JohnMcCainsDeathStare. You have this naive assumption that because people are important to you that you also hold a similar level of importance in their life, and then it hits you that you really don't.

But I fear that as with you if I stopped initiating a lot of my relationships would just drop off entirely, and these are people I've known for most of my life so I don't want to lose them either.

I have four friends who only slightly know each other that would describe me as their best friend/mate and am always the first to hear their news. I love them dearly and am privileged to have them all in my life. I have a lot of time on my hands due to illness, which is why I can nurture these friendships, all of which I've had for over 25 years.

I am really not sure what I'd do with my DH as his friends have become my friends as well as our mutual ones. I also have friends I made at work as well.
But the weird thing is we both aren't much in contact with our University friends which we mostly met though an activity society. We no longer do this activity since we sort have grown out of it which probably hasn't helped. That and the fact we were the first in that group to have children which meant our time was somewhat limited. Thing is they tended to live in a bubble and after a while DH and I sort of ceased to exist for them.

I sympathize with the points made here and can identify. It can come as quite a shock when we feel we're not as important to a friend as we thought, but I agree with the tactic (if we can call it that) of making oneself less available because, I agree, somehow people take for granted what comes easily. People have their own reasons and we don't always know why people close to us take us for granted. I also get hurt when a close friend I know has kept something to herself which, if I were in the same situation, I would have revealed to her. But I realise that often it's not to do with me necessarily; this particular friend needs to hold on to information to process it and sort it out in her head. We are just different in this way. Similarly, when I visited her in her home town recently she arranged to meet in a café and I wasn't invited back to her house. I've known her 30 years and I know that this reluctance on this occasion to invite me back is related to her own wish to get out of the house, a dislike of catering for others etc. I was a bit fed up about it but have decided to see it as her limitation, not mine.

I know the feeling that if we didn't reach out, no-one would contact us but having said that it does feel easier to wait and see. If they care they will show us but the most important thing is care for yourself. If you aren't friends with yourself it'll be harder to make friends with other people.

Totally understand OP and I’m going through this exact same thing with several friendships right now. Pulling back and being less available is definitely worth a try.

It makes me feel so much better to know I'm not the only one experiencing this - I felt quite pathetic for caring that she didn't think to share her news with me and that although I often ask her what's going on in her life, that she didn't feel like sharing with me when I know she'd shared with others.

I think I'm going to pull back from a lot of the initiating with people and try to focus on why it is that I've formed these patterns with people in my life. It won't be easy though as I do feel compelled to check in on people and see how they are, but they rarely do the same for me so I should step back a bit.

I am the best friend of two people but they are not my best friend. Don't get me wrong, they are my friends and I love them, I just have a different best friend for myself. I feel that my friends see me as "best" because I really listen to their problems and concerns (happy to do so) and try to help whereas I feel that my best friend and me are more on an even footing in this respect iyswim.

I also tend to keep a lot to myself (like even pretty serious medical stuff) because I know that they would lovingly react dramatically where I need someone who would stay calm and ask the right questions. It doesn't mean that I don't love them, I do. I just need to sort myself out first in my head. So please don't feel bitter if she didn't tell you stuff, she might be like me and needs the time and space for herself before sharing news.

@Gottokondo that's an interesting perspective, I'm sure there must be people who've thought of me as a closer friend to them than I did but I personally don't feel comfortable opening up to someone who doesn't fully open up to me. The relationship would just feel too skewed otherwise. I also start to wonder what it is about me that others don't feel attracted to and I feel like I have to second-guess my behaviours around them as I don't know what triggers their disinterest.

It's not about their disinterest!

It's about what YOU want. If they don't come up with the goods then YOU don't want them. You know what you want and it's not that.

As I said, there's nothing wrong with you! Get that into your head: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU