How do I end this relationship?

[ImaginationOrLogic]

I've name changed for this because I'd started another thread under my normal name and I don't want him to see this. He has no idea I'm on mnet but as much as I'm upset at him I don't want to let him into other areas of my mind.

This is really silly. I don't know how to end my relationship.

Background- married for 20 years to an EA and FA man, split 2 years ago, been in a relationship for a year to someone who I have realised now that I am just repeating a pattern with. He's jealous, I have poor boundaries, I'm unhappy, he cant see that his behaviour is not on. Blah blah blah.

But how do I end it? I've put up with his jealousy for the duration of our relationship so how can I now say that it's too much? There hasn't been a particular incident recently that would be a "reason" if that makes sense.

I probably sound pathetic but how do I actually sit down with him and say "I don't want us to be a couple any more" because I know how it will go and I will end up feeling like a bad person who is blowing stuff up out of all proportion and I will question my judgement and end up believing that the glittering future I can sometimes envisage for us is actually achievable. Even when in the dusty back room of my mind I know really that it isn't.

Specifically, what do I do?!

Bump for evening crowd!

If you don't trust yourself not to backtrack when he starts on at you, can you not dump him by text and then block him?

I know it's not ideal, but it will stop you from feeling bad about yourself and questioning your wisdom, and if he's a bit of an arse then a) it probably wont' be a total surprise to him and b) you're well away in case it goes tits up.

Thanks Zaphod. I had considered it but it just seems so cold. Even if he has behaved badly he is still human and deserves a bit of discussion I think but I am worried about how I will maintain focus.

I think it would be better to make your reasons brief - 'because I'm unhappy,' is very good reason enough.
And make a plan to leave his company straight away so you're not
a hostage to his 3rd degree.

Are you living with this man?

Do it somewhere public. Meet for a coffee or something. Tell him you are ending the relationship. That it's not how you want it to be and you don't want to drag it on as you're unhappy. Wish him well and leave. An explanation that's straight to the point is all it needs. If he starts making excuses or promises, tell him you've made your decision and leave. Imagine how relieved you will feel when you've done it.

I agree with justmuddlingalong

Do not give specifics of his behaviour. At all. No matter what pressure.

Know your exits. Decide in advance how you will end the conversation, how you will walk away. He will want to keep it going so he can wear you down. You will have to leave the conversation and the location against his will and with him objecting.

You must leave the coffee shop pretty much immediately after telling him. I would wait to hear his first response out of politeness rather than leaving absolutely immediately. That said, the my response to his response would be "I'm sorry. My mind is made up. It isn't working for me. I have nothing else to say so I'm leaving now." Then you leave, even if he is speaking, and completely ignore anything he says, shouts, texts etc.

If he follows or messages you respond "We are finished. I am not going to talk about it any more. Goodbye."

Having done this a few months ago (and in fact every time I've seen my ex since), I would agree with the other posters. Keep it brief. The more reasons you give the more opportunities you give him to turn it around, explain things away and reason with you. If you've made your mind up, don't give him that chance.

I allowed it despite my decision to break up, he talked me around, I agreed to give him another chance and when I realised what was happening things got really nasty. The hardest thing is walking away when they're talking to you but you shut your ears, walk away and think of better things.

I agree, meet him somewhere public and keep it short.

Do you have someone like a friend or relative who could be 5 mins away and meet you after? In case he tries to drag it out or follow you....

I feel for you. Some good advice here already. I've been in your situation and tried to finish things but he kept persuading me that we were good together and he was a perfect man, etc, etc (and even that I wouldn't find anyone else that loved me as much as he did!) But I was so unhappy for the whole year we were together. One year on I've found someone else and the relationship is happy, calm and relaxed. Good luck and stay strong.

Hollow no I dont live with him. Thank goodness.

I agree that you should use the tactic of telling him you're unhappy. It doesn't put blame anywhere, and it's the 'grey rock' of breakup lines- if you stick to it, there's nothing to argue with.
Well done on recognising that it's not working- look how much quicker you realised than the last time! Now just keep working on yourself and listening to your subconscious

You don't have to sit him down. Honestly you don't. You can phone him or meet him somewhere public, tell him you're not happy and it's over, walk away and block him everywhere and put it all out of your mind.

If it were me, tbh I'd not even phone. I'd text and block. Hes abusive and shit. You don't owe him a thing. If he wanted more considerate behaviour it might have been nice for him to consider you x

You don't owe him anything. He's obviously not a great person and doesn't deserve shit from you. Text him and block him.

Tell them you are GAY and only just released it and you want to move in with your new lover and experience life

Just tell him you aren't in the right place for a relationship and need time on your own.
If he doesn't accept that then tell him the relationship isn't working for you.
Just get rid. Good luck OP

I agree with meeting in person in public and cutting to the chase after initial pleasantries.

Allocate a brief amount of time to talk it through/listen to them wail. Stick to it. Have a clear exit strategy e.g. meet someone else, catch transport etc. Terminate this time immediately if they become abusive. Don’t extend if they wheedle. Also have a simple reason for the break-up that doesn’t involve going over the in and outs of each other’s character or a blow by blow account of the minutiae of your relationship to date.

Tell them, with sadness, “It’ll be hard to get over you. It’ll be easier for me if we make a clean break and have no further contact.”

I did it. It was a bit like having vaccinations, you know it's going to be unpleasant and hurt a bit but it's the right thing to do. Indeed so relieved.

Thanks all for your words of support and encouragement

Yay! Well done you!