is it me or is it dp?

[GateNine]

I'm struggling to sort out my feelings. Newish (6 months) dp is a really nice guy (we are both late 40s/early 50s). We both have dcs and are the resident parent (6 dcs between the 2 of us). We get on well on every level other than sexually - he is a bit all over me. I have had a lot of relationships, he has only had one (his marriage, he married v young). His wife cheated on him repeatedly and eventually left and he's very sensitive (but lovely). I am enjoying our relationship but he is smothering me a bit physically/sexually. At the moment, I would happily just see him on weekends but he's determined to try and see me midweek too. He is big into public displays of affection (which I'm not), when I sit on the couch to watch TV, he practically sits on top of me, when we are in bed, he is always trying to make sure he is in my arms, when I walk past him, he tries to always pull me into a cuddle, when I go and cook, he comes and sits and watches me etc. etc.

We'll be walking and he'll stop and want to gaze into my eyes and give me a long kiss, not just a peck on the cheek - I've had to stop him doing this because I just find it a bit inappropriate and I have dcs (teens) in this area and they would be horrified to see their mum snogging in public!

I'm not sure whether it's because I've been single for a year or so and need my space or whether it's because I find him a bit immature sexually (dp) - I've told him I can't do snogging in public all the time and he seems to have clocked that - but I'm not sure whether telling him about the other physical stuff is going to come across as mean and whether I just happen to be a woman who needs a bit more space.

I am now getting to the stage where I'm not enjoying sex with him because it just feels overwhelming because it's all too long and drawn out and involved when sometimes you want a bit of passion, not just a bit of what feels like soppy teen like emotion. If you have any tips on getting this message across in a nice way, I'd be happy to hear them!

Honestly OP he just doesn't sound right for you. You could try talking to him but it sounds like he would have to make an awful lot of changes and I'm not sure how realistic it is to expect that of him if this is 'just the way he is'. Sorry not to have a more positive answer for you

God's sake, if you can't discuss these sorts of things, what sort of relationship is it? Sounds to me as if you may not be physically compatible, quite honestly.

I don't think there's really a nice way to say anything; you don't seem sexually compatible and if you don't enjoy sex with him then why carry on seeing him? It's only been 6 months so end it and you can both find someone more suitable

well that's my concern shatners and we have discussed it but I'm just not sure how realistic it is to expect someone to change in that department. I have never had a relationship where I'm not physically/sexually compatible - it's always worked out one way or the other. But I'm just not sure this time if we are too far apart!

He sounds a sweetheart but clearly not right for you! You can't change a cuddly person into a non cuddly person without taking away a little of what makes them them.

You really don't sound compatible, either in the short term for fun (because you're not finding the gropey teenager routine fun) or in the longer term.

It does sound like way too much. I think you are going to have to discuss it with him, although ultimately it may well mean you are not right for each other.

Yikes, I cringed reading that. I would find his neediness suffocating. You're going to have to tell it to him straight.

Well if he listened to you saying about snogging when walking about it does sound like he does respect your boundaries, so I think it's worth gently telling him what you've told us, he makes you happy but physically you need a bit of breathing space.

thanks - yes I haven't said the rest of it completely straight. We have discussed it in general terms and I have mentioned the snogging (which he has changed). I just wanted to check I wasn't being unduly mean which it doesn't sound like I am before I start down this path. I am keen to give him a chance given everything else is ok - I think part of this is sexual immaturity because he's had so few relationships.

Ick.......
I hate all the tactile crap.
2 dates in and I'm not seeing a bloke again for this exact reason.
Snogging in public at 50!? Nope.
(and others by the way, I'm not that shallow)

You must tell him.
Tell him straight.
No point trying to be nice, he won't get the message.
And TELL him you don't want to see him in the week.
Only at weekends and it's non-negotiable.
Stop taking a back seat here, trying to save eveyones feelings and wants other than your own!
Your life - run it how YOU want!

hellsbells you sound a bit........ scary.
No room for give and take at all? Just take?

Of course there can be give and take but OP doesn't seem to want any of this.
When you get older you realise you don't have to do things to please everyone else.
That YOU yourself are important and what you want is also important.
It's about taking the lead in your own life.
So so so many women don't!
It's gut wrenching to see.

it's not so much that, I have (honestly) never in my life been with someone who is so sexually inexperienced. You know as you get older, you learn how to 'be' with men in bed, to show them what you like, they show you what they like etc. etc. You don't normally have to be firm because you do it in a way where both of you get what you want (if you know what I mean).

because dp hasn't had that many partners, I don't think he's reading the bit in bed very well, nor anything else relating to sex/physical stuff. So I was explicit about the snogging thing and he has changed that but I was weighing up (when I posted) whether I was going to be explicit about the rest of it or just end up not seeing him any more.

It's not lack of partners. Believe me.

I'll swap you. I've got a guy who doesn't kiss, hug, cuddle, touch at all, make any physical contact outside bed and walks several yards ahead of me whenever we go out (although I've just about trained him out of that one).

I'd love to be with someone who actually wanted to hug me.

You're just not compatible. Btw, mine hasn't had many partners either.