Divorce and children

[user1472075705]

Hi,
I hope someone can offer me an advice on this. I would like to divorce my husband, our marriage is dead and has been for a while. We have been married for 5 years, together for 6. My primary concern is our children - 2 y.o and nearly 4 y.o. They are used to their dad and I am worried what effect divorce will have on them. On the other hand, I think it is not healthy for the children to grow up in a toxic marriage. We argue quite a lot, we try not to do it in front of the children, but I am sure they pick up on the fights and feel the constant tension. I am deeply unhappy and I think I cannot function as a good mother. I read all the bad stories how children of divorce perform worse academically, are more at risk of depression and generally do worse in life than children from intact families. I am so torn and dont know what to do. What is worse for the children - to grow up in an unhappy home or experience divorce? I have no experience of divorce in my family so I have noone to relate to. I dont want to give my children a bad start in life, but I cannot imagine living like this any longer. I am sure eventually we will divorce, maybe in a couple of years so perhaps it is better to do it sooner when kids are still little. Hopefully it will hit them less hard. The only possibility I see is to go to couples therapy in a last attempt to save the family, but I dont hold much hope. I know I will be ok after the divorce, but my concern is with the children. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks!

My experience was I wish they divorced sooner. It was hell. It hasn't helped me form healthy relationships as an adult what I experienced from their toxic marriage trying to keep it together for us. It took me being removed from the home before they woke up to the reality they shouldn't have tried to stick it out.

But someone will likely come along who felt it from the other side and wished they did stick it out.

I'm going through a divorce now... I thought it was right and I still think it is. But my DC are not currently having the happy existence I hoped divorce would bring about for them. They are suffering for my decision

I just hope they suffer less because I made it than they would have if I stayed. I thought it could be amicable and mutual - it's turned really nasty.

I don't think children do worse in separated parents, it is definitely worse if parents are in conflict which can happen if together or apart.My dc are academic and do very well at school, I am divorced and separated a few years.

You met and married quickly so do you feel you knew each other well enough? However your dc are young so it can be a stressful time.What are the arguments about...it could be communication patterns which counselling can help.
After a while arguing does break connection so love starts to fade.Divorce isn't easy and I would encourage you to explore avenues so you will have no regrets.

I don't regret divorce, it was right for me as ex was abusive.

The studies about children from divorced families fairing worse are flawed as far as Im concerned:

They compare children from stable happy economically secure families againt those from single familes that dont have financial security or extended support networks, consequently it isnt a true comparison because thre are to many other variables not accounted for.

E.g If they compared unstable two parent households against stable sole parent families the results would be different.

The deciding factor isnt how many parents are under the same roof but how secure and loved the child feels under it.

My parents divorced when I was 8 and I dont believe this has had a negative impact.

Children find the process of divorce difficult and the uncertinty around that change hard to navigate, but if you can minimise exposure to the drama they will be fine once the dust settles and a new routine is established.

Better to be apart than to be together and miserable as you are now. Would you want this sort of relationship for them as adults, no you would not. Its not good enough for you either.

What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. They pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken and all your reactions to each other.

Staying for the children rarely if ever is a good idea and teaches them that their parents marriage was based on a lie. Its a terribly heavy burden to place upon them and they are also not going to say "thanks mum" to you for staying with him if you were to choose to. They could well instead accuse you of being weak and putting him before them.

These children cannot and must not be used as glue to hold you and he together.

There are so so many people who remain married and appear happy and content, this isnt always true.

I dont believe children preform worse from a single parent family, i think its all subjective.

The danger of divorce isnt the actual divorce its more to do with the animosity between the parents, this of course can still be the case if you are still together. My husband left me and out 2 children ages then 3 and 4 over a year ago. I am beyond relieved that me and the children arnt living with such a bully and a controller. But this doesn't stop when you separate his behaviour has been 10 x worse. This is the kind of behaviour that damages children, not the actual separating of parents.
You are delaying the inevitable its about damage limitation. You know what you want, need to do. Get your ducks in order and then act, this will limit the distress to your children.
Im not sure if your 4 year old is in school yet or not, but if they are not then get it done before they start school as thats another adjustment that they need to get used to.
Divorce is not necessary a negative thing, its the behaviour that can come with it that is. Show your children that putting up with an unhappy marriage is not necessary.

Hi OP: firstly sorry to hear you are having such a shit time. i also had these concerns when I decided to leave a 21 year relationship. For a long time I felt as though it was better for us to stay together, but it was toxic (I recognise was emotionally abusive). I have two boys, and to think they would grow up seeing that as their benchmark of what a healthy relationship was was the deal breaker for me (and also understanding that I did indeed deserve to be happy).

Since I left, the kids don't hear us arguing, we are mainly able to be civil in front of the kids, and I do think in time we might be able to be firends. He is learning I won't put up with shit behaviour anymore but its taken nearly 18 months to get here. In two weeks its our youngests birthday and we are both contributing and will be there and it will be fine.

The kids spend every Thursday and Friday night with him and every other weekend. They get much better quality time with their father, and I get a break. It was hard at first, but now I enjoy my alone time. The boys tell me he is much calmer (when they used to also get shouted at all the time), they never complain about going there, they like to be with him.

Whilst they would both probably say they would prefer if we were together, and they don't "like" the situation both understand (they are now 10 and nearly 7) and tell me they are happy. My eldest has changed so much, he used to be very combative and stubborn, he now demonstrates empthay and emotional intelligence most adults don't. He is 100% calmer (he still has moments) and we talk a lot about how he feels. The youngest one has also shown his creative and cheeky side much more, before he would be frightened of being told off all the time I think of making a mess or upsetting his dad.

The biggest change in me is I am able to parent how I want not how he wanted me to, I am comfortable in my own home (I moved out), and I am happier than I have been in years. I still cry, I still have down days but on the whole my life is good. I was on edge all the time with how he might react, I changed my whole personality to suit him better.

I think the damage done to them by staying, would far far exceed the damage they may or may not have form our seperation.

It hasn't been easy, and your children are younger, but you cannot live in an enviroment like that without damaging yourself most of all. I honestly didn't know who I was anymore, still not 100% sure I do, but I am enjoying getting there.

Wow I felt like I wrote this! No advice but watching for others opinions xx