I regret therapy

[Fuckedoffat48b]

I am 17 weeks pregnant with mine and my partner's first baby and got back from a visit to PILs on Sunday evening. They were awful.

They have always been awful. It is the gigantic thorn in the side of an otherwise happy, loving relationship and has significantly affected my mental health, along with a poor relationship with my own parents.

I have done both couples therapy with DH and then quite intensive psychoanalytic therapy just for me over two years (ended just over a year ago) and I feel that it has served only to make me the focus of the blame for the poor relationship with them and give me unrealistic expectations of what is achievable. Which I am then blamed for when these expectations are not achieved.

I feel therapy is to blame for some of this outcome and I am not entirely sure where to go from here?

misscph1973 Yes, that is exactly what I am getting at. By taking myself off to therapy it meant that the idea that I was the problem could continue. I think it was a bit of a continuation of the situation with my own family where I spent my teens in and out of therapy to deal with my 'problems', but looking back on it, it was my mother who would really have benefited.

Atilla, last night my DH said to me that he finds the whole situation difficult as he is terrified of losing them and terrified of losing me. He admits that he saw their behaviour as normal and couldn't see my problem at first, but argues that when we first met we were relatively young (early 20s).

When I completed therapy I suggested he should have a few sessions just so he understood the approach that I now take to his inlaws, and so he doesn't feel so attacked when I say that I think he is unable to stand up to them due to their dysfunction, but he refused.

hellsbells I have read both, and tried to encourage DH to read them but he refuses.

I sympathise! MY FIL has turned from an intelligent, rather fun man of the world who travelled a lot with work when I met him (in his 50;s,) to a huge conspiracy theorist, rabid Daily mail reading Brexiter in his late 70's, partly I feel due to the partner he picked after my MIL died 13 years ago. She isn't a nasty person at all, very kind in many ways, but has some horrible views. I really don't enjoy seeing them that much, which is a shame. I think to be honest he just hates being 'old' and I think he is bored shitless. I think you are just going to have to tell your DH to grow a pair when they are out of order, as you are seeing him in not a good light, and limit contact as much as you humanely can.

I have actually stopped challenging the racist, disablist, misogynistic views as it just invited mockery and made me into the bad guy who was being horrible to them/calling them racist etc. I think pulling them up on it encouraged them and made them worse as they got a reaction out of me for it

this is going to be hell on your child.

A thing that I've learned is you can do therapy and deal with how you respond to toxic situations, but it doesn't make it not a toxic situation. boundaries are only so good in so far as they can be enforced and communication can only be improved to the extent where all parties are willing to try.

So while I think therapy is useful to help process things and learn managing techniques and so on, I don't think it helps that much if the people who are damaging are just determined to continue.

For me, it would come down to a decision to take myself away from exposure to a repeated negative situation. I do believe there's a lot to be said for learning how to respond vs react. But I also think there's a lot to be said for not going in for psychological kickings on a regular basis as well.

every time you see your inlaws it's like jumping into a field of stinging nettles. it doesn't kill you, but it's deeply unpleasant and the after effects can last for days. so you wouldn't keep jumping in a field of stinging nettles, yet you continue to see your inlaws.

the earlier therapy victim blaming you and saying you should just not let them affect you is atrocious. about as useful as a chocolate tea pot.

i personally think you should go nc. i don't see any reason for you to continue to have contact. i know you've been doing it for your dh but it's taking a massive toll on your mental health and you are now responsible for your baby too.

think about it.

i think you need to get your dh on board to at least see his family on his own. you have no obligation to see them, especially in light of how they treat you. don't go back for more abuse.

good luck.

Those are very good points, BonsaiBear. Therapy can help you make those decisions. I think culturally there is an expectation that if a woman is in therapy, she has admitted that she is not coping, and then her surroundings expect her to "fix" herself with therapy, and that absolves the other parties from guilt/doing anything.

I think that therapy can help you either accept a situation/a set of circumstances/a relationship if it is not too damaging to your own mental health, or it can help you remove yourself from a situation/a set of circumstances/a relationship if you can't accept it.

I'm not Christian, but there is a universal truth in the Serenity Prayer:
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference"

That wisdom is what you can get from therapy.

I do also feel for your DH, "Fuckedoffat48b", he must feel stuck between his parents and you. I am willing to put money on that he never really rebelled as a teenager?

You could try reading 'toxic in laws' by Susan Forward (on amazon)

OP, I'm wondering if your therapist realised that you were not going to leave your partner, and therefore took the approach of supporting you to cope with them instead.

I do feel you're in a wholly unhealthy and untenable situation, though, and I'm going to say what your therapist probably could not: please leave.

If you don't, then I can understand why you'd need to justify to yourself how bad therapy has been for you: it allows you to stay where you are, and blame the wrong people (your therapist, you) instead.

OP - you don’t have to answer this, but it might be helpful to unpick why you don’t feel you can go NC.

Assume it’s because of your DP’s reaction? Do you think it would irrevocably damage your relationship?

Is your relationship worth what you’re putting yourself through - and the conflict your DC will feel?

And - apologies if I’ve missed this - apart from wanting to avoid confrontation, how does your DP feel about his parents? Does he love them? Is he afraid of them?

As I said, obviously no obligation to answer any of this on here.

I wish you luck - I have a tortured and complex relationship with my own parents. I’ve been in therapy for 20 years and will probably never have a relationship of my own. Families can be so awful

Encouraging clients to take responsibility for their emotions and lives is not victim blaming.

I think you're projecting your anger at your husband onto the therapist as it's a more palatable target. Your husband sounds like a total wet wipe to me.

*Encouraging patients to take responsibility for their emotions... is not victim blaming.”

It’s really not that straightforward. We cannot be entirely responsible for our emotions, as they are a reaction to the environment - and we don’t control the environment.

So sorry OP. I have some understanding of what you are going through. The strain my inlaws put on my marriage - and my DH allowed them to - was a key factor in my PND (although I had my own issues that also were key contributors) but also nearly ended our marriage. I was lucky that eventually DH chose me and his child and us as a family over being forever in homage to his family. It was one of the worst times of his life and he has since said that previously he just didn’t know how to stand up to them. But it did basically come down to him choosing me or them and it was him at the forefront of this, I wasn’t the one giving him an ultimatum.

I am sorry but if your dh does not realise what his role has to be (and I don’t envy him in it!) then your future relationship is going to be very tough. Make sure you do have whatever therapy/counselling support you need pre and post natally as you are likely to feel very vulnerable and once a baby is born that’s when crazy MILs get worse. Good luck.

Of course user, but no one can change you're environment but you. Which is called taking responsibility. There's no point in going to therapy with the expectation of changing others' behaviour. OP can only change how she responds to them.

• your environment!

My sympathies to you. My MIL had behaved like a royal bitch to me. Most recently I have been accused of having an affair. I am not redirected to put up with anything (mostly because I just don't) by my DH does very little to defend me (in all fairness he is exhausted and I don't think he could cope). It dish necessarily bother me but I do find it quite repulsive. On top of v it all I have to hold back from texting because I know that if I do she will take it out on everyone else and they will be hurt by it whereas I am just frustrated that I can't tell her to fuck off. I just swear at her in my head. It feels bloody marvelous. I am general one not to give into to such childish thoughts but it does make seeing her far less unpleasant.

It is very wrong to suggest that individuals have enough agency to change their environment.

No advice but sending sympathy for having crappy in laws. I do too and I didn't realise how much of a pain in the arse it would be.

Oh OP this is just awful.

My in laws are similarly vile. Utterly poisonous to me and denying it to DH or saying I must have "misunderstood"

I did worry about my relationship with DH because at the beginning he just didn't see it.

They were also vile, spiteful and grabby (financially) towards him and it took a while before he realised this just wasn't on.

Now he tolerates them maybe once a year but stands up to them so well when we do see them. I refuse to have them in the house (they live 200 miles away) and they are never left alone with my children (although that didn't stop them making them cry when we saw them a couple of years ago)

I honestly believe if you could somehow get your husband to open his eyes to this behaviour and see it for what it really is - abuse - then you would feel so much better able to deal with it. DH and I are a team when it comes to dealing with his dreadful parents but at the outset I always felt like the outsider.

Sending you lots of strength.

Oh come on user no it isn't! Empowering clients to change unhealthy or damaging relationships/situations is a big part of what therapy is about.

I would suggest stop blaming psychoanalytic psychotherapy / your psychotherapist and start naming your dh for being a spineless twat and for allowing his parents to behave towards you like this without any consequences - and for putting them before you. Fuck that. you don't have to continue allowing other people to mistreat you you know.

OP, I think dione nailed it earlier - if your DPs love for you is dependent on allowing his parents to mistreat you then it isn't a happy, healthy relationship. It has been 7 years since you first attended couples therapy for this - neither your DP nor his parents are prepared to change. So you realistically have two choices:

• continue as you are (this seems untenable)
• go NC with your in laws (this may risk your relationship)

When I reached this point (also after therapy) I chose the second option. It did end the relationship. It was without doubt the best decision I have ever made.

I'm not really sure why you've put up with any of this tbh.

It's not acceptable to me to be around people who behave like that so I'd have cut contact with them a long time ago. Nor would I have any time for DH's enabling nonsense.

Until you have the gumption to stand up for yourself and set terms I don't really see what any psychotherapist/analyst can do. Other than give you strategies to deal with them.

I also have to agree with the therapist that as long as you stay in contact with them you do need to learn not to be bothered by them being horrible. They're just arseholes basically, you don't have to take it personally if you choose not to. That you do indicates you're invested in them emotionally.

You will never change these people. They will never change. They are toxic.

Your DH is a conditioned victim stuck in FOG - either he is not capable of seeing them for what they are yet - or he doesn't want the discomfort of confrontation - yet - that is why he minimises, gas lights you and doesn't defend you - which is ultimately self preserving and selfish - his own comfort over you.

But therapy has shown you that they are toxic, and you have to decide whether your precious and finite energy is best spent trying to hold back the tide of their toxicity by the exhausting efforts of defending boundaries or.....

using your finite precious emotional energy and head space to focus positively and to solely nurture the new life inside you - take yourself out of punching distance - go NC - dont bother making a statement or demanding changes (they are not capable) just always be busy, slip away from them.

Your pregnancy is bring this to a head - once they are gone from your life - your mind and body will not be polluted and swilling around with the toxic cortisol stress hormones that they induce - your baby doesnt need this. Listen to your body.