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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP's jealousy/anxiety

19 replies

MassivePottedGeranium · 05/06/2018 10:21

DP has a jealous/ anxious streak. We don’t live together and have been together just over a year and I am getting fed up of his little questions all the time about who I am texting and why I was online at such a time, pleading with me not to try and cop off with any specific man that I might come into contact with at work or socially or in general life. He doubts my faithful nature even though I have never given him any reason to and have never been unfaithful in previous relationships. He however has truly been shat on from a great height in the past.

It’s not so much jealousy as anxiety, which he does struggle with in other areas, and it’s really wearing me down. I always call him out on it and have finally got to the stage where I have told him our relationship will end if it doesn’t stop because I am finding that I modify my behaviour to keep the peace (not that there are rows, just that I know his mind goes into overdrive and I don’t want to have to deal with the inevitable questions questions questions questions and having to give reassurances that aren’t really taken on board. Well not for long anyway.) I have encouraged him to seek some counselling for his anxieties because it has such a big impact on other areas of his life too, and whilst he has faffed about with mindfulness and talked to the doctor about his mental health, he hasn'tkept at it/ followed it up.

I feel terrible for loving someone but then realising that love actually isn't enough. I should want to be there for him through thick and thin but this is making me really unhappy and he doesn't seem to want to change the behaviour which is so draining.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

OP posts:

Melliegrantfirstlady · 05/06/2018 10:24

A good relationship is based on respect, trust and love. If you don’t have all three of them covering all aspects of your relationship then it will run into trouble.

Ime anxiety is a long term condition that does not go away without proper treatment.

I’d think carefully about your future

Shoxfordian · 05/06/2018 10:24

Leave him
He needs to address this thorough proper counselling and therapy but not with you.
He's using his old relationship as an excuse to try to control you. Don't wait around hoping it gets better.

Original poster

MassivePottedGeranium · 05/06/2018 11:40

He is lovely in so many other ways. I was in an emotionally and financially abusive relationship and marriage for 20 years before I left my exh. Meeting dp was like taking a big cleansing breath of freash air and he has taught me so much about love, acceptance, emotional and physical connection. But his anxiety is killing it all. I’ve got very cross at him this morning for some minor comments he’s made and he has now said I’m throwing a tantrum but I can’t get him to see how important this is to me. It’s not quite the straw that broke the camels’ back, but it’s very close.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/06/2018 11:48

Thankfully you do not live together; this will also make ending this relationship easier. Love is not enough and you cannot rescue or save anyone who actually does not want to be saved.

This is who he is and he is not for changing; such behaviours as well likely started in his own childhood. He is using his previous relationship to control you and your actions now.

It does not matter he is lovely in so many other ways; this will keep coming back and bite you hard. He does not want to address this and actually thinks he is doing nothing wrong here with regards to you. His actions are about power and control. He has a problem with anger too, your anger when you call him out on such behaviours (for which he is deflecting all responsibility to you). There are a lot of red flags re this person.

I am wondering if you ever enrolled on the Freedom Programme by Womens Aid when you left an abusive relationship previously. You probably did not but its a good programme and one which could help you no end now.

I feel you basically went from one abusive relationship into yet another, its different to your previous relationship but its abusive all the same.

MikeUniformMike · 05/06/2018 11:53

Tell him that you are faithful to him and that you love him, that he has no reason to feel insecure, and that him going on about it is only making you think that he is trying to give you ideas. Be firm.
Basically, I would take is an indication that the relationship is not a good one. Give him an ultimatum, he stops or you end the relationship. And mean it.

hellsbellsmelons · 05/06/2018 11:57

He doesn't sound nice and blaming it ALL on anxiety is not OK.
We've all been shat on but we don't treat our partners and loved ones like this.
As I don't think you are ready to end this, you need to put some plans in place.
Firstly - take off the on-line notification so he cannot see the last time you were on-line.
Then put set days and times in to meet up and stick to them.
Any other communication is to be once a day only (or more depending on how you want to do it) and that is it.
He needs to learn some boundaries with you.
He's pushing and pushing them and you don't have to take that.
Keep to your boundaries.
Don't let ANYONE overstep them.

As a PP has said - if you didn't do the Freedom Programme then make sure you do it soon.
I think it will open your eyes and you will see this for what it is - control and abuse!

Shoxfordian · 05/06/2018 12:16

You're still in an emotionally abusive relationship

mogratpineapple · 05/06/2018 12:23

Everything Hells said. The Freedom Programme is a wonderful thing that shows what a good relationship looks like. There's a book if you'd rather read that. Boundaries are the way forward. He is not accountable and that is never a good sign.

BlankTimes · 05/06/2018 12:33

Too many red flags, let him go and hope you meet someone in the future who has good qualities.

Empathfreak · 05/06/2018 12:35

I was in a relationship like this and I actually lost myself trying to prove that I was different to his ex's and I wouldn't cheat on him. I practically gave up my life for 10 months. Stopped everything I enjoyed and stopped speaking to the opposite sex.
This nutter was so controlling he told me to look down whilst on the school run.
As it turns out be was projecting his own cheating behaviour on to me. And I now doubt whether he was even cheated on in the first place despite his quite graphic descriptions of events. He's probably telling people that I too cheated on him.
You can have my first ltb as it won't get better it will in fact get worse till your actually a shell of the person you were before him.
He needs to figure out his own issues you cannot fix him and to be quite frank you should not have to either.

borlottibeans · 05/06/2018 12:35

Oh no no no. You are allowed to decide that a condition for you staying in a relationship is him taking responsibility for his own mental health, and he needs to recognise that what he's doing to you is out of order, whether it's emotional abuse or genuine anxiety.

If he broke his leg and instead of going to A&E he decided to spend the rest of his life lying on the sofa waited on hand on foot by you, would you see that as part of sticking with him through thick and thin or would you tell him to get stuffed?

Loopytiles · 05/06/2018 12:36

This isn’t “anxiety” it is controlling, abusive behaviour. He is responsible for his own health and behaviour.

I agree that this is just a different type of abuse.

AgentJohnson · 05/06/2018 12:40

In short you went from one abusive relationship to another. Just because he's 'different' doesn't mean his behaviour doesn't amount to the same thing.

You can not change him, don't repeat past mistakes by staying another 20 years.

expatinscotland · 05/06/2018 12:45

' I was in an emotionally and financially abusive relationship and marriage for 20 years before I left my exh. '

And you are in another one now.

It's not anxiety, it's controlling and abusive behaviour.

Please do the Freedom Programme and learn to put better boundaries in place.

TheMythOfFingerprints · 05/06/2018 12:58

I would doubt whatever line he has spun you about him being cheated on in the past.
Whatever he tells you about his ex, is exactly what he'll tell the next one about you.

Original poster

MassivePottedGeranium · 05/06/2018 13:57

I know that he's not spinning me a line about his ex. But you're all quite right, he shouldn't use his previous experience as a stick to beat me with, so to speak.

Am thinking about the freedom programme- did wonder whether I'd messed things up again :(

Just seems so counter intuitive to end things when I've spent so much time reassuring him that I love him.

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 05/06/2018 14:15

That’s the sunk costs fallacy.

This is a person who is not managing his mental health issue (if he indeed has one); not taking responsibility for managing his own emotions; is behaving very unreasonably (at best) towards you.

So many good reasons to call it a day.

Please do the programme, could help.

Adora10 · 05/06/2018 17:45

He sounds slightly abusive OP and going on about other men etc could be a projection of himself rather than you.

RabbitsAreTasty · 05/06/2018 18:11

He's counting on you feeling Just seems so counter intuitive to end things when I've spent so much time reassuring him that I love him.

This is how abusers keep you.

He will tell everyone about how you were a liar. You were saying you loved him but you were planning to leave. Actually he knows you were seeing other fancy men on the side and you've definitely gone off with one of them. Yawn. Dull. Abusive ex basic move. Proves he's a dick actually.

Go out. When he quizzes you implying you are a cheater tell him cold and clear "I am sick of you implying that I am of bad character. You've done it one time too many. It is over." Block. Move on.

Do the Freedom programme. Next time a man twice suggests you would cheat on him, see the big red flag and get rid before you waste a year. Do not reassure him.

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