Why am I sad he has met someone else?

[Eesha]

My ex and I split early this year due to his drinking and anger problems. He has now met someone else. I'm happy for him in the sense that I felt he was spiralling but feel sad too. He is still drinking and can't admit the problem. I never wanted him back because of how he had treated me before but I'd hoped the shock of the split would make him want to change. I just feel this sense of loss and can't see why?

You know this is no loss to you. It's no favour to the rest of the female population either, but the new love interest will learn fast.

Nothing has changed, except that you've had a lucky escape.

You’re grieving for what could have been

You need to remember it wasnt

Yr prob grieving the loss of what he once was and what u once had? Its easy to look back on things through rose coloured glasses. U say he's still drinking so he'll not change so yes like other pp said a lucky escape for you. Pity the poor girl he's with unless she's a drinker too and sadly they will head downhill together or he might take her with him. If u were with someone new u my guess is u wouldn't give him another thought.

As for changing for you or anyone-he can't he loves booze more.

It sounds to me like you're sad about a&e real aspects. First, grief for the relationship you thought it was, or could have been. Secondly that you hoped you could fix him, or that your actions would lead to some kind of change in him which hasn't happened.

When an ex meets someone else it's proof that it really is over and it often leads to a resurgence of emotions - like another goodbye. Goodbye to what could have been, but never was.

Yes, I guess it's all been very intense over the last few months and i was trying to manage things amicably for the children. I never expected him to pine for me but thought surely he could see he had a problem and try and fix it.

I never expected him to pine for me but thought surely he could see he had a problem and try and fix it.

Why would he? His love of alcohol will always come before everything else, his kids included.

That's what I find so hard to understand, and I've posted before on the alcohol board, how he loves it more than any of us. I thought losing us would make him change. But he has played it down even though he always seems drunk when I speak to him, and will probably play it down with his new partner too.

Any ideas how I can get over this, I've just spent the day in tears at the thought of him being affectionate with someone else. I need to get over this somehow

I think it’s entirely natural to feel this initially OP. It’s hard to imagine your OH with anyone that isn’t you. I was in a similar situation myself and whilst it was hard at first I never really think about them unless he calls me. Time is such a great healer and remember, he’s the one witj the problem not you, he will carry this into his next relationship if he doesn’t seem the appropriate help.

*seek

Imagine him as a train,speeding faster and faster, out of control and going to crash. You jumped off just in time! Some other poor girl got on, but you're safe. Be thankful.

My advice would be to focus on you. What do you like doing? Do more if it. What brings you joy/pleasure? Do more of it. Ask yourself what you can do every day to make yourself feel better?

When you find yourself thinking about him, notice, pause and stop. Force yourself to think about something else. That's hard to start with but gets easier and easier.

Write down all the shitty things he's done and read them through when you feel down. Write another list of all the benefits of being without him and then read that.

Remind yourself every day if your qualities. Surround yourself with supportive people. If you don't have a big support network, think about where you could go for support.

What you are feeling is grief - it's normal & part of the process of getting over a break up. You need to feel it, acknowledge what you're feeling, and know it will pass. Google the grief cycle.

Imagine him being shitty to her, still want to swap?

Great advice @Brakebackcyclebot. Ill give it a real go. I guess im harking back to the older days when we were happy and im sad that this new woman will see the happy person he was and he is sure to be making her feel as special as he made me initially. It's just made me feel all the more lonely that i felt before because it really is the nail in the coffin of us.

This is a normal feeling. It's grief for the relationship

Eesha, don't be frightened by these feelings. They will pass, they are natural and to be expected. Give them space to occur and in time they will dissipate x

Think about a bad time with him each and every time you feel sad. He proved he isn't going to change , lucky you for escaping