I think life would be easier without DH

[catweasel44]

Just that really.

I love him, I really do, we get on well. We could be really happy.

But he makes everything more difficult, more complicated.

It's like having an extra child.

I don't think I want a divorce but I'm not sure I want to live the rest of my life like this.

What do I do? How do I tell whether it's worth it or not.

What's he doing wrong? Maybe if you could identify that you could try and solve the problem together?

Everything really.

We never have any money and when he does have some he fritters it away.

He always wants his own way, so everything we do is always a drama if it's something he doesn't want to do. Even if it's doing nothing/choosing a film.

When he intervenes with the kids it always seems like he's helping but actually he's just over riding me and making things ten times worse.

He's really negative -always finding fault or complaining about something.

He basically acts like a spoilt teenager.

He's always been this way but I realise how tense it makes me and worry what it is teaching our children about how adults behave.

I mean he also has his good points and we've been together for 25 years but I'm not sure they're worth it anymore.

You are saying he is selfish and crap with money. I imagine you have had discussions about this many times, and nothing changes. Do you want to keep living like this? No. If your happiness was important to him, he would've made some changes.

I know.

I just feel that it's all I've ever known and I don't know how it works any other way.

You only live once. Don't settle.

It does work, and can be done. No chance of counselling helping the pair of you? If he won't consider it, you know where you stand.

My ex was like yours (but he was also physically abusive) - he made life so much harder than it needed to be. Everything was a fucking problem. He'd under mine me with our son - he was stressed over nothing. I knew I'd never be happy and whatever I did "it would never be enough."
I can tell you this - MY MIND IS CLEARER - it feels empty (in a good way!!!) Yeah.

That's exactly it. I feel like I'm permanently on alert for the next thing.

I suffer from anxiety and I think I'm realising that he is the main cause.

I'm so tired.

I barely slept. I really want my marriage to work but I don't think he does.

Because in his head it works brilliantly.

I'm not even sure how it would work. He will never move out and I can't afford to rent anywhere. We're skint.

I don’t know what your situation is, in terms of housing, whether you work etc. But I think you should maybe work on you, initially. Get some counselling, try and stash some money away if at all possible. Spend a few months getting things in order so you can leave. If in the end, you decide not to, then you haven’t lost anything. But, if you still feel the way you do now then at least you’ll feel stronger and have some options.

If you’re already at the point where you can’t take any more then I would go and see the GP, tell them what you’ve said here about the anxiety and get a GPs letter. If you go to the council, even if they can’t house you, there are rent deposit schemes to help you find a private rental which you could then claim housing benefit for.

MY MIND IS CLEARER - it feels empty (in a good way!!!) Yeah

This is so true! My ex had me always on alert. My thoughts were always taken up with him and his moods. It’s real freedom to get away from a bad relationship.

*I really want my marriage to work but I don't think he does.

Because in his head it works brilliantly*

Exactly why should he change its all going fine for him.

Thanks everyone.

I have been to the GP and had CBT for a while. I think that has helped me to see things clearly. I have strategies now but I think I've realised I use most of them with him.

I just feel so sad. He's been my only partner and I love him deeply.

However it feels like he's expecting it to be unconditional at the moment.

I'm self-employed and I my anxiety has really affected my ability to earn money. I think I need to focus on that.

I'm so emotionally exhausted it's hard.

Maybe some therapy, as opposed to CBT will really help.

I had not realised how much I walked on eggshells until he left although I knew I was feeling anxious and at times feeling physically unwell aa I was mostly in the flight or freeze response.

There will be solutions to housing, there always is.

Perhaps read some books such as Lundy and Patricia Evans, once you can see that the behaviour is abusive it helps to clear your mind.
Also try to put in place boundaries, if he interferes, ask him to let you deal with it.
If he escalates his behaviour you know nothing will ever change.

Do the Freedom Programme, just to have a look at it. I wish everyone did this course.

The Lundy book is this one. Don't be alarmed by the wording but do be brave and have a look.