Had a massive go at friend after seeing her cheat - feeling guilty

[RubyN]

For a bit of context, my serious ex left me a few months ago for another woman, and it very much looks like he was with her before finishing it with me. So I've obviously been feeling very hurt over this.

Now, my best friend and I were on a holiday with some other friends this week. I've been really looking forward to seeing them and letting my hair down.

My friend is a wonderful person but she is definitely a flirt. Even while in a relationship she always strikes up new 'friendships' with other blokes. For example, we once met two French guys on holiday and she invited them to stay with her (not telling the boyfriend) afterwards. She was attracted to one of them, though nothing happened apparently.

Now, on this holiday, it was me, her and our other close friend who has always been going through a break up. One night a guy started talking to us and my taken friend was flirting heavily with him. This continued throughout the night until eventually she kissed him for several minutes on the dancefloor.

Afterwards she made a joke out of it and I said 'so you think its funny what you did?' - and that was the start of it. I started saying can you imagine how much it hurts to be cheated on like that, with no thought to the other person, etc and I became very upset. I said I hoped she would now end it with the boyfriend as it was disloyal to continue.

Seeing me upset made her realise what she had done and my other friend privately agreed that she was making excuses/always leads guys on. She does this in every relationship imo.

The next day she was in floods of tears saying she and the live in boyfriend have been sleeping in separate rooms for months. Now I actually do feel guilty for having a massive go, because she has been there for me after my break up and I care about her a lot. I have apologised, as did she.

Ever had this happen in a friendship and overcame it?

*other close friend who has also been going through a break up

You were right! She knows it and that's why she is making up excuses.

I would distance myself from her tbh.

Who needs such a judgmental ‘friend’ in their lives?

I would be there for my friends no matter what (obviously excluding major crimes). She didn’t cheat on you, get of your high horse.

Bluebats it was a visceral reaction. I've been struggling to cope with being cheated on myself. So seeing her nurture a flirtation for an entire night, which was obviously going to lead to cheating, then have it lead to cheating, pissed me off. I burst into tears after I saw it happen.

As I say, I know I overdid it, which is why I apologised. But I'm still worried I've ruined the friendship...! We've been friends for nearly ten years.

She accepted your apology I would just move on and offer her an ear to talk about her relationship issues with you.

You were right, she was rubbing your nose in it and potentially putting you in an awkward situation if you socialise with her bf. She doesn't sound like the nicest person

I wouldn't beat yourself up .Sounds like she made up the separate rooms thing to provide some justification.
You have every right to judge her -she was cheating and showing no empathy for your situation

I don't like the bf, but would hate to socialise with him even more after this. They are in a serious live in situation with family trips planned. A few months ago, she told me about a new guy she's been spending time with as a 'friend' and how shocked she was when he eventually told her he was interested in her. Well duh.

I know they are living in separate rooms because I've seen it with my own eyes. I thought it was weird from day one. Fact is, she's stayed with the guy too long.

Just a couple of hours before cheating, she was talking about how I was the last person who deserved to be cheated on and verbally giving my ex what for. It was such a contrast!

OP - if you haven’t told her already - i’ll explain to her that your reaction wasn’t about her - it was the pent up anger about your ex that has been triggered
And appologise again....

If you were friends for 10 years - I think she’ll understand. She knows you she seen you through the breakup.

MMmomDD - I have explained that seeing her cheat triggered my pent up anger towards the ex and she said she understood.

I suppose I'm just worried that she's always going to remember it and the friendship won't be the same. I hope that's not the case.

OP - maybe she will always remember it. But maybe she’ll respect your opinion and see that cheating has consequences.

I did something similar to you once: one of my best friends did something awful to her ex (who was also a v good friend of mine), and then wrote him a letter insinuating I knew all about it and was fine with her behaviour.

My poor friend (her ex) was devastated - he thought I’d been lying to him. I went ballistic at her and we didn’t speak for years. It changed our friendship permanently but I’m not sorry I took sides. In my view, she’s the one who behaved badly and changed the status quo - and I think that’s true in your situation too.

I'd be embarrassed if I was her however I hope I would also be pleased to have a friend willing to point out if I am out of line this encouraging me to be a better person?
Isn't that what friendships are about? Relationship, trust, sharing, helping each other be better people?
My friends do this & sometimes I'm like 'whatever' but mostly the more I think about it the more I realise they are often right.

And you have apologised & Can now support each other