Made the decision to divorce my nice husband, feeling scared.

[FreshstartA4]

I've finally made the decision to divorce. No abuse or affairs on either side. Good man, just not in love with him. Plus no sex life since 2014! Separate rooms etc etc. No joy. I have known years it wasn't right but it was never bad enough to leave and I have two small children, ages five and seven. I feel so sad at the thought of splitting the family up but as a result of staying together I'm growing further from my children as I make more effort to avoid their father and doing family days out. I've become so sad. I feel terrified about it. I've been a stay at home mum for the last five years. We are not well off at all. It was simply cheaper for me to stay at home than return to work due to child care costs.

I've got the initial half hour appt with the solicitor on Wednesday. No idea what to expect. I'm gathering paperwork. Although I've told my husband many times it's over, and it has been over for years. Living as friends. This makes it real. He doesn't know about the appt.

Is anyone else embarking on similar or divorced a nice man for similar reasons? I just hope I don't regret this but I'm tired of feeling lonely and unhappy.

Thanks for reading! I'm venting I guess and plan on returning to this thread if I start having doubts.

No, but I genuinely admire your bravery and courage of your convictions.

Life is too short. So seize the future with both hands and enjoy

Thank you for the kind words. It all feels so overwhelming and I'm struggling to sleep these days. Have started keeping a notepad by the bed for worries! We don't share a room so that's easy. It's money that worries me, like who pays for the divorce (I've 1k in premium bonds saved which I will have to use for court fees as I will start the proceedings, I think. Seeing solicitor tomorrow), what if he won't agree to it and I know we will likely have to live together as he will say he can't afford to rent and pay mortgage here. Which is probably true. His family live too far away and I don't want to move out unless I have to as I want the boys to stay in the same house, easy to walk to school etc, for stability. I know we will have to leave though I feel he won't go as it's so depressing being here with him. Venting again. Even though no one might be reading. It helps!

You get one precious life - you are brave, and there is a new life waiting

I could have written this post 10 years ago Di many similarities.. my mistake was to be emotionally blackmailed into leaving the family home & private renting.. I was emotionally vulnerable we had not long lost a child which compounded my guilt into breaking up our family. He said he couldn't afford to rent & pay mortgage & couldn't face moving back in with his parents.. my solicitor advised me against this so venomously but I didn't listen & sign the deeds over to him.. on the condition our surviving dd will whatever happens in the future be financially well looked after...
skip 10 years .. I still privately rent & scrape by he owns 2 homes (our original marital home he rents out).. dd is very low on his list of priorities behind his job, fiancé & baby..
.. but I'm free & living a fun independent life.. I'm my own boss & although we are amicable to an extent 10 minutes in his company reminds me why we are better off apart. Indeed life is too short to be trapped in an unhappy, affection less marriage.
Your 30 min solicitor app will give you basic advice but the best type.. I always remember mine saying she sees hundreds of women like me & the guilt I feel now won't last forever.. I wish I had listened

I've been in exactly your situation and I divorced a lovely man. Great dad and my best friend but there was nothing romantic between us anymore and I just couldn't get it back.

We were late 30s and just not fair to continue. We co parent really well and he is happy with a new partner. I'm yet to find someone I'm crazy about but I'm having fun on the way and soooo much happier than living a life I wasn't supposed to be leading!

I felt like a fraud

I was in a similar situation but our DS was 19. ExH was also useless with money and a bit of a man child too, but a nice man nonetheless.

I was terrified, like you. It felt as though I was teetering on the edge of a cliff.

But he was great. There were a lot of tears, but we kind of looked after each other and he’s now my DExH. I don’t see him often any more, but when I do it’s always fine.

So it won’t be easy, but it may not be a catastrophe.

I would like to wish you luck. Sound slike you've been through some tough times already - and the move to separate rooms can't have been easy initially. It may be that your STBxH will be expecting this - but he might not. Take care - be prepared for your "nice" man to turn into anything but that - if even only temporarily he will react to your decision - and he may not react in the way you expect. Just know that you are not responsible for that reaction - whatever that may be. Good Luck at the solicitors - but believe me that it the tip of the iceberg in this process. Look after yourself as a priority.

Hi OP. I also divorced my ‘nice man’ husband 7 years ago. As PP said, my exh was and still is a great dad, but was a man child and terrible with money. In the end we grew apart and were living in complete sadness. I fell in love with someone else and it spurred me on to leave.

My divorce was amicable – he knew deep down it was over and we still get on ok and co-parent well. However, if you are the one to leave be prepared to take ownership of that. I believe that the only reason my ex and I divorced amicable and remain on good terms is that I owned my decision to leave and did not make him suffer so to speak. I paid for our divorce out of my savings. We agreed to sell our family home and split profits 50/50. We also share custody of our now teen dc so now maintenance is paid either way. In other words I could afford to leave and support myself without screwing him over.

I don’t know how you can divorce amicable with as little hurt and upset to yourselves and the children if one party screws the other over in some way. In your case OP how will your dp feel about leaving his home for you to live in it (maybe with a new man one day)? Will you expect him to maintain your finances whilst he can barely afford to rent a bedsit? Will you give him good access to the dc? 50/50 if he wants it? If not, how will he feel about only see his kids every other week? If so, how will you afford your upkeep if he doesn’t have to pay CM? will you be happy with not seeing your dc half the time?

I think you are brave OP and life is too short – just making sure you have thought about all the outcomes.

So appreciate ALL the replies. I'll read them again later when I get a chance. So much to think about. Thank you thank you. I love hearing others experiences.

OP I am with you. I am in the early stages, although I am not convinced my nice man is actually nice. I think I have come to the conclusion he is emotionally abusive, a bit controlling and gaslights me a bit.

I have just instructed a solicitor to proceed. I was prepared to leave, try and find somewhere to live. I am self employed and earn approx £400 a month. He earns a good wage and he wants to buy me out. The split of equity would not allow me to buy a house let alone anything suitable to house myself and three children. I am not able to get a mortgage and been refused for help to buy. My solicitor has advised that I shouldn't leave the family home. I know this will create conflict but I have to take her advice. Even more so after reading dilly123's post (thank you for posting that). Much as I am wracked with guilt and scared shitless, I cannot live like this. I have to try to be happy. Like you OP I feel distanced from the children as I cannot bear to be in H's company. He pushes me out constantly and I can't argue with him in front of the children so I find myself withdrawing. It's really hard and I have take years to get this far. We too are in separate bedrooms, no intimacy for over 6 years. I could go on. I just want you to know you are not alone. This is not Victorian England any more, we are not our H's property. The law can support us. Stay strong and I hope your solicitor's meeting goes well.

Just a small update. The meeting, free half hour was very useful. I do need to plan ahead a bit more before I start the process. It may take another year. I want to get a part time job and/or do a college course. I'm so torn though. If I had the money I would start now. Funny the things you notice differently. I was at a school meeting last night and it seemed everyone else was in a happy affectionate relationship whilst I was throwing my own pity party internally. Not bad enough to leave, nor good enough to stay. Time to get planning.

FreshStart I was in a very similar boat - no affairs, no violence, no arguing just a general feeling that we didn't enjoy being with each other. We did have sex but it was very robotic and he got the 'pleasure' if you like. Our decision to split was joint - we were brutally honest and each said we didn't want to put in the work to rekindling our relationship.

3 years on and we both have new people in our lives. We are still friendly but still only really communicate about the children (all grown up !)

My advice would be to do it but let him think it's his idea(!!). If you are both amicable then decide between yourselves what you want to do moneywise, custodywise, house etc. Only then go to a solicitor and tell them to make it happen - yours will definitely tell you that you could get more but dont take their word as gospel. (I kept the house in lieu of half his pension. My solicitor suggested getting half his pension and splitting the house but I didn't want to be still getting money from him in 10 years time so went with my plan of keeping the house. ) Keep telling each other what your solicitor has said, be open and honest throughout the whole proceedings. Its the only way to keep and amicable divorce amicable.

Thank you blobby10, great advice. When the solicitor said I'd get a monthly bill my heart sank.

How are you doing @freshstart40 ? I'm in a similar boat and coming to the conclusion that it's too late to work on it and I've emotionally detached already not that dh was ever particularly emotionally attached in the first place.

I just feel awful at the thought of lobbing a hand grenade into my family

Hey Misty. No change here and like you I've emotionally detached a long time ago. I'm biding my time for now. In a few weeks, I'll have the chat. I'm so terrified as it will be a complete lifestyle change etc etc but better that than to be in the same situation in ten years. I'm waiting as I'm in the process of applying for part time jobs and want to feel more secure before I drop the bomb. Currently a sahm. Also I've been studying the process. I'm dreading the fall out. I've only been married five years but knew early on I'd made the wrong decision. What's your situation?

I've sent you a pm

Doesn't seem fair or honest to muck him around while you get your life sorted. You should tell him so he can start planning as well.

My wife and I have discussed this. We get on fine and invest loads of time into the kids so we don't have any time for each other. This wouldn't change if we split. In fact we would probably have to invest more time so our lives would be harder. We can't see anyway we could untangle our lives without causing significant financial and emotional hardship to our kids.

Probably not your case but I felt terrible about hurting my kind husband with divorce so I went to a counselor for help. He, and a couple other counselors, helped me realize I was married to a manipulative abuser who I could only see as a nice guy.

It's easy to "get used to" a bad situation you're in for too long, so that your perception of the relationship gets skewed. Separate rooms and no sex for four years.....That's really bad! Guilt is a normal reaction when leaving someone but I see no reason for it here.
I wish you the best.

Thank you for the kind words. To answer Fiire, the reason I won't be telling my husband yet is because I need means to support myself and my children financially first. I'm in the process of interviewing and applying for part time jobs. He already has a full time job and is able to support himself. That is my only reason. It's not dishonest, it's sensible.

I could have written your post. Not a bad man at all but I'm so unhappy. We have 2 dcs under 5 and it breaks me heart that I just don't love him. Been building up the courage to leave for over a year.

Hi Tigger. It's so hard isn't it. I told my husband a few days ago. Was going to wait but I lost my temper over something. Then we had a proper chat. He didn't really say much. So I'll bring it up with him again in a few days. I'm now wavering wondering if we should stick it out but the thought of being in this same situation in ten years and nothing changing is horrible.