Relationship has been bad since baby was born

[Greenwomanofmay]

Had a baby last year, it was a grim birth and I was ill for a long time afterwards. I don't live with partner ( I'll omit the dear), baby wasn't planned but very much wanted and the plan was to move in together.
I'm self employed and back at work but only earning half the amount I did due to spending most of my time looking after baby who is non sleeping . I just earn enough with benefits to cover monthly outgoings but it's a stretch. As baby gets older I'll be able to work more and earn more.
P keeps accusing me of being totally driven by money, says he isn't but only gives me money when I ask for it and it works out at about £25 per week for baby. At times he's refused as his work is seasonal and long hours There are some things that he bought me that I want to sell but he doesn't want me to sell them.
We have about 2 rows a week ( not in the presence of the baby), only had sex twice since baby was born, spend about 4 hours together a week. He thinks it'll all be fine and sorted out when we move in together but I don't want to move to where he wants to go as I won't be able to earn money. I can't leave relationship yet , if I say why it'll out me!
The money is a major stress in the short term how to I get him to understand I can't run a house and look after a baby on the income I've got and what would be a reasonable amount of money to pay? The CM calculator says £50-£60 a week. How do I explain it's not just for things baby actually needs? Thanks

You seem in a really difficult position.
I don't think you should move in together.
It doesn't sound like he is pulling his weight.

Do not move in together.
Things will only get worse.
I think you need to accept that you are a single parent and your best option is to go down the route of CMS for maintenance.

You need to separate and claim through cms. The current situation does not sound workable at all. It is not a functioning relationship. You need to move on.

I’m glad you agree not to move in together. I won’t get any money the cms route because he’s self employed

Nearly everyone's relationship gets tested to the limits by babies arriving.
Can you try and meet up with him, for a walk or a coffee (maybe not the pub as alcohol might fuel a row) and try and explain reality. It helps (strategically) to start by saying you can see why he think you are obsessed by money because you seem so focussed on it. But explian it's not what you want to be focused on. You'd far rather focus on the excitement and joy of the two of you and your baby. But that the baby needs so much extra care, so you've had to drop your hours, and the stress of lack of sleep, massive responsibility and costs of the baby, together with big drop in income mean that you are constantly worried about how you'll cope. Your income has dropped X amount as a direct result of being the baby's main carer. And £25 helps but isn't nearly enough to cover the shortfall, given all the expenses. Ask him gently (again, pure strategy because he's more likely to listen if you speak calmly) if he'd do a shop with you, so that he can see how expensive nappies, baby products etc all are, because it shocke dyou too, and perhaps the pair of you (^shared responsibility) hadn't really worked out how expensive it would be.

The child is his as much as yours. Maybe tell him you trust him and know he loves his child and would always do his best for them. At the moment you are earning X, you are also doing Y hours caring for the baby you both parent, and you're also doing Z hours paid work. Ask him to be fair and say how many hours paid work he;s doing per week, how many hours caring for his child and how much he earns. Ask him to see how unequal this is and say that's why you keep focusing on it - because it;'s a big problem the pair of you are both responsible for and need ot resolve together.

If he does seasonal work then when he's working long hours he can pay you more and you can reduce hours. If he's out of work, maybe he can do the bulk of the child care and you can up your working hours to bring in more money. That would be the pair of you working together to make sure family life improves for you all.

Maybe after you've had the chat try and do something fun together so he sees it's not all dull stuff. And when he's with the baby do lots of positive acknowledgement, so he gets that the more effort he puts into family life the happier you are and the more fun you'll all have together.

Minapaws that's exactly the suggestions for starting a conversation I was hoping for but cannot think straight due to exhaustion. He's insecure so his first reaction is often fight or flight. There is quite a lot he does do for us and I do get various types of food and wood fuel ( didn't mean to drip feed)

It's so hard not to fight when you have a baby that never sleeps, because it's almost impossible to think tsraight> you need a break. Can anyone reliable and responsible tak eyour baby for a day while you sleep for a few hours before meeting up with your DP?