Is my marriage over?

[falsesmile]

NC for this post.

I just don't know if it's worth it. We just have nothing to say to each other, he talks about his work which is usually just moaning. Talks about politics which I'm not interested in. We don't have any banter or any laughs now like we used to, surely he should still make me laugh? Last night we had a rare night out with no children, 2 hour round trip pretty much in silence, I couldn't think of anything to say to him and he just likes silence. We went to a gig and he stood behind me the whole time, didn't touch me once, didn't put arms round me, hold my hand or anything. Before the gig we were just making polite chit chat about the weather, everyone else seemed to be having a great time and laughing and dancing, I was miserable and felt alone. The best 10mins was when I bumped into an old school friend and we chatted away like normal people, when she left I felt just the same again.

Next month we go on holiday alone to Barcelona, first hol ever in 8 years with no kids. Just us! I want to just relax and wander the city and see things. He says he's not doing that and is going to hire a car and go off every day to see the rest of Spain. I thought it might be time for us to try and connect but now I think I'm seeing it as a make or break hol. I don't know what we're going to talk about there, if we see each other!

I don't even know what I'm asking. I'm just so miserable and been sat here crying most of the morning. I feel so alone and can't talk to any of my friends about it. Everytime I bring it up with him he says I'm being silly and over reacting and everything is fine. Other couples last night were holding hands, chatting non stop and I felt like I was there with a flatmate or something. I need laughter and fun, he just can't/doesn't make me laugh anymore. We should be able to chat about everything and about nothing for hours, we used to and now we're the middle aged couple sat with nothing to say. What do I do?

You sound so lonely. My first marriage was like this (no kids though), we just had nothing to say to each other and honestly I think both of us dreaded time alone a bit. We would socialise with other people to avoid it and get roaring drunk so we could actually have a conversation. It was fucking miserable and I felt so alone.

Now I'm married to a lovely man who never stops talking! We chat about everything and have such a laugh, we drove all the way to Italy and didn't even have the radio on - just chatted, it was great. It's like night and day with my first marriage and we feel like a real unit rather than two strangers sitting awkwardly at the same table.

I know it's not what you want to hear but for me, the marriage would be over if it was like yours. I'm sorry.

Thanks for the reply magpie. Can I ask, with first husband, could you think of things to say to him? I can chat away to lots of people but with him can't think of things to talk about. If we are ever out and bump into other couples I feel like a fraud as they are so coupley and we're just 2 people standing next to each other. All the way to Italy talking is lovely. On a long drive I once waited to see how long it would be till he spoke to me, 3 long hours I waited.

Falsesmile, I found your thread! you commented on my thread the other day about the same situation I was going through. I have since ended it on Tuesday as my ex gets verbally abusive as well. I have been doing lots of reading up on the emotionally unavailable man and it's helped me see things that I 'knew' weren't right with the relationship to begin with but I kidded myself that things would change. They didn't. They got worse as time went on.

Do you both have similar interests/hobbies? It could just be that you need to find some common activity that you both connect on.

With me and ex we were fundamentally different people so it didn't help at all. No amount of wishing would change that.

What did you and your dh used to talk about when things were exciting and new? Any funny memories you could chat about and see if it brings the spark back?

We don't have any banter or any laughs now like we used to, surely he should still make me laugh?

I see some hope because you could once have banter and laughs...that's a good sign...maybe? It could be hard to figure out how to get that back...

I think you've got to both want it, I feel the same about my OH. Nothing to say, avoiding being alone with them. Basically avoiding communication except about DCs and logistics. I'd like things to change, but they won't without mutual effort.