Am I being stupid here?

[idlikemoresleep]

I've posted before on here about having a crush on a dad from school, unfortunately it's still going and I could just do with some opinions

In a nutshell the back story is:

• known him about 5 years now - his daughter is one of my daughters best friends (both in same class) and his son is also in my sons year
• when we met (when our eldest children started school) we were both married and so while we quickly became good playground "friends" there was no hint of anything else.
• I split from ex husband around three years ago. He spilt from his wife about a year ago
• grew a bit closer at that point, chatted a lot (texting/ Facebook etc although nothing more than good mates kinda thing)
• about 6 months ago we accidentally matched on a dating website but nothing came of it other than that he seemed to suddenly increase his interaction on anything I put on social media. Texting became slightly flirtier and more frequent so I (stupidly) thought things may just progress naturally
• about 3 months ago I found out he'd started dating someone so I withdrew interacting so much other than if it was arranging something with the kids and I accepted that I'd been friendzoned.

My issue is this, he's definitely now in a relationship with this other lady. She's forever tagging him in things/ posting pics etc but whenever I talk to him he completely avoids talking about her. We chat a lot in the playground at school, and despite this post making me sound like a neurotic stalker I HAVE played it cool with him so other than the website match he doesn't have a clue that I feel anything about him. He always refers to her as a "friend" in front of me and even if his fb is full of pics of them having a lovely time together if I ask something like "how was your weekend?" He'll say "oh it was pretty rubbish tbh..."
Like I said when I realised he was seeing someone I've backed off texting etc but he's recently making more reasons to text me. Asking if I want to do things together with the kids etc (we've done the odd day out together with kids as they're good friends but not since he's been with her)
I don't even know what I'm asking here tbh, it's just driving me a little bit insane. Am I reading too much into it? Help

He sounds like a player tbh. He's with this woman but he's trying to make it seem like he isn't, either in hopes of getting you as a bit on the side, hedging his bets for if/when they split, or just as an ego boost for him. I know you've said you've backed off since he started seeing her, but I would do so even more.

@KitXi
I know you're probably right. He's a really good guy and easy to chat to but I'm feeling a bit like he's wanting the best of both worlds.
Difficult to distance as the kids get on so well but I know you're right

Forget him, if he wanted to date you he'd be dating you, your the fall back if this one goes tits up, seriously OP, move on, he's a waste of your time.

@Adora10

Understood, thank you

Sadly I agree that he's playing / keeping his options open. It's bloody awful when you have a crush on someone, but try to move past it best you can. Get busy on online dating and find some distractions

@BeUpStanding
Thank you! Yes it is horrible but I'm a tough cookie I'll get over it I'm sure!
I'm off online dating at the moment as everyone just annoyed me haha, think I'll just stay single for a while longer and enjoy my time

Maybe he does really like you but has been and still is a bit nervous about ruining your friendship, especially as the kids are all friends. Maybe he likes you and is a bit shy, or perhaps he is a player.

Who here can possibly know. I'm inclined to think he's trying to keep his options open because he does like you. He probably found it easier to organise the first date with a stranger than with you, and possibly it's just carried on from there. Whatever it is I don't see why you can't go out for the day with the kids. Perhaps then you might get a quiet moment to ask him why he's trying to hide his girlfriend from you!

Thank you @MiniTheMinx it's nice to hear a different perspective!
I know reading back it does sound a bit like he's playing but having known him for 5 years (I know his mum quite well too, have been on days out with her and the kids also!) I know he's not really that kind of guy. He is a bit shy and for a couple weeks after we'd "matched" On the dating website he was a bumbling wreck around me 🤦🏼‍♀️
In the end one I was fed up with the awkwardness so I made a joke about it and we went back to being friends but maybe he took that to mean I didn't want to take it any further.
You're right nobody really knows but I certainly don't want to get in the way of him and his new girlfriend so I'm ok with keeping things as they are and just backing off with the texting so much.
We took the boys for a kick about with the football in the park after school today as the girls both do an after school club together and had a good laugh and I don't really want to lose that. If nothing else he's a good friend, we both talked quite a bit about splitting from exes etc in the past and it would be a shame to lose the friendship over some crazy crush which I'll hopefully grow out of!
I mean Channing Tatums free now isn't he? 🤷🏼‍♀️😍

It is equally possible that he isn’t seeing much potential in that other relationship, and it is casual for him.
And - he likes you - but both of you played it too carefully before - both too scared to give it a proper go, and hoping for some ‘natural way’...

If I were you - i’d not give up without at least trying. Talk to him when he txts, be normal. Responsive. Spend time together if that is what happens. Kids stuff and otherwise.
Flirt if you feel like it.

He is single and an adult. He might be ‘dating’ her not to be alone, as you didn’t make it clear enough that you liked him.
You seem to have a connection - and both deserve to be happy. If it’s meant to be - it needs a chance to develop.

If that other relationship is important to him - he will let you know. Otherwise - he is allowed to change his mind about that.

I say - go for it.

It could either go two ways.

You could push the discussions a little and see what he wants, could make it a wonderful relationship or it could make a situation really awkward and ruin a good friendship. I guess you have to work out which one is worth the risk. I would sit back, and observe him a little bit more (I also wouldn't take my own advice, I would dream about what could be, and be a bumbling idiot in front of him in the future).

If you look at first dates on TV as an example, 2 people who don't know each other but get on well and there could be a flirtation and a possibility, they always pause at the end to see if its what the other would want and tell each other to go first. That is because they are afraid of rejection, but they think there is something and they aren't over invested in that person, so it is easier.

It feels maddening probably as you feel their is a dilema. But really its just deciding if one option is better than another option.

I also think he really likes you but is afraid of saying something, maybe for the same reasons you are but has been waiting for more than a hint from you. But I am an old romantic. Apolgies if you haven't seen First Dates and the previous paragraph made no sense ;)

Observe. You don't have to be blatent about it, but just relax and watch, and decide which option would be the best outcome for you. Do you feel jealous about the other woman in his life? Or are you really cool with it?

Or you could tell him, you chat about it and decide its not worth taking it further AND remain friends. Especially if both of you are both able to be adults, like you sound like you are. ;)

Out of interest, why didn’t you ask him out when you matched on the dating site?

Thanks @MMmomDD and @pudding21 !!

It's good to hear a different take on things!

With regards to the other woman, at first I felt a little put out as when they first got together we were chatting ALOT and it sort of felt like we were growing closer. I'm kind of an old romantic at heart and was hoping he'd make the first move but then it became apparent he was seeing her.
I do feel a bit jealous sometimes but I try not to think about it too much!
I think the sitting back and observing but not pushing things is probably how it's going to go for now.
I'd like to think if it's meant to be then it will be

OP - there isn’t such thing - if it’s mesnt to be, etc....
By our age - we all know that timing and circumstances matter so, so much....

If you won’t do anything to ‘help’ your meant-to-be - at least don’t sabotage it.
If he texts you, or invites you somewhere - don’t double guess. Go, or don’t go based on wanting or not, rather than based on what you assume is going on in his life with some other person he doesn’t seem to consider a gf....

Why don’t you mention her? You said it’s all over Facebook, so why not say ‘I saw you and girlfriend went to such a place, have been thinking about going there. What did you two think?

His reaction to such an explicit mention of girlfriend might give you a bit of an insight into what he is thinking

@DaphneduWarrior

I don't know really!! I was on a night out with some girlfriends and was a little tipsy when I swiped so I didn't even realise it was him until a couple of weeks after! It all made sense when I stumbled upon him in the "mutual matches" section because I'd noticed he'd been really weird around me. Kept catching him looking at me, but really flustered when he spoke to me (I wasn't the only one to notice this, another of the playground Mums mentioned how odd he seemed then when I saw him on there I understood why!!)
I tried to break the ice and made a general jokey comment about it one morning and just began chatting but we sort of just slipped back to being mates again and it didn't get mentioned after that 🤷‍♀️

@Aussiebean

I had considered it, I may do at the next opportunity just to see his reaction!
Thing is, if he brought her up and talked about her I think, while it might sting a bit, it would at least make it clear to me that I need to just let him get on with it

I was in the same situation as you!

Crush on a dad from the school, meeting up with the kids.
We were seeing each other for a few months then I found out he was seeing someone else. Whenever I mentioned her he said she was just a 'friend'!

He was just playing us both and now I feel like a mug. My advice would be to back off before you get your heart broken.

@Loveyourself
Oh no sorry to hear that!! Some men are total plonkers aren't they?
It's not like that as such with us, he's recently become "official" on Facebook with her so there's no pretending he just seems to not want to refer to her as that in front of me!
I'm not going to put myself in a position where I'll get my heartbroken - takes more than a bloke to break me !!