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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Arguments over domestic tasks

9 replies

LayOfTheLand · 04/06/2018 10:19

This weekend I had a big row with my wife, and I was interested in hearing thoughts about the best way to work to improve the way we work together and communicate.

For background, I work at home, and my wife works outside, so I tend to do more of the housework but my wife has quite high standards. This Saturday, we had invited guests for dinner, so on Friday, I went to the supermarket. I was a bit in a rush. My wife came home late on Friday evening after a work dinner, and I'd bought the wrong meat. She went absolutely balistic, shouting and telling me it was a big "f**k you" to her, and showed disrespect. I didn't see it as a big problem. I could go on Saturday morning to the Supermarket and buy different meat, and I honestly didn't see the problem.

My wife cares a lot about food and hosting guests, so for her, this is something she considers very important. However, I felt her behaviour was almost abusive. Later on Sunday, I tried to get her to understand this, how her anger was hurtful, but she thought I wasn't seeing her point.

This isn't the first time we've had such arguments. For full disclosure, I do my fair share of the housework, but I can be a bit sloppy (but the house is usually pretty clean, the lawn is mowed, and the cars are serviced).

OP posts:
DuchyDuke · 04/06/2018 10:21

I’m in a similar position - dh works from home and does the bulk of the housework. While I do have higher standards I would NEVER treat him like how she treated you. I would simply, quietly,
fix the issue or adjust meal plans according.

Her behaviour is unacceptable and I would be tempted to tell her to buy her own food / do her own chores from now on.

Ragwort · 04/06/2018 10:28

I was just about to say how unkind your wife sounds when I remembered that many years go (20?) we were hosting a dinner party and I didn't have six matching side plates, I made my DH do a 20 mile round trip to buy some as I was so busy preparing the food (and trying to impress my guests Blush).

I am a lot more laid back these days, are you newly married?

LayOfTheLand · 04/06/2018 10:32

We are fairly newly married. I thought my wife's behaviour was unreasonable and unkind, but at the same time, I recognise I´m not perfect when it comes to housework.

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 04/06/2018 10:38

If you both truly do your fair share of the house work then she's being unreasonable and taking her stress out on you.

If she has impossibly high standards then she's also unreasonable. But if you're so sloppy that she has to go over everything you do and doesn't feel she can trust you to do your fair share, then you need to look at getting better! Like I tell my kids when they do chores that unless they do them properly they may as well not do it and I'll make them do it again.

LayOfTheLand · 04/06/2018 10:43

I definitely do my fair share around the house (I'd guess a 60/40 split).

I want to work out a way where we can communicate about this, without my wife resorting to shouting and screaming.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 04/06/2018 10:44

I disagree that the division of chores is anything at all to do with how she spoke to you. That’s not acceptable and you tried to explain how hurt you were for her to minimise and excuse her behaviour.

If she’s so fucking bothered about perfection she can do it herself. Grumpy cow.

My ex used to rant and rave at me. He didn’t really need a reason, it often came out of nowhere but after the fact he’d find a reason I was to blame. He’s my ex for a reason. I’m now very happily married to someone who wouldn’t dream of shouting or swearing at me. You know, because we both try our best and he’s a kind good person.

LayOfTheLand · 04/06/2018 11:12

She's not a bad person, and she is very kind, but on the household, she can have very high standards.

OP posts:
LayOfTheLand · 04/06/2018 16:03

I would hope to find an effective way to communicate these issues with my wife. I failed a bit this weekend, as she insisted that cooking and food was important to her. She does work long hours, and it doesn't help that she came home at 10pm on the evening of the incident.

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 04/06/2018 17:21

I admit l get very frustrated if my dh has a list and goes to supermarket and brings back the wrong stuff. Its like he couldn't even bother reading the list. Shouting is not acceptable but if you are constantly slap dash about doing stuff it could be very annoying. Anything thats worth doing is worth doing well. If my dh does one job well eg hoovering l prefer it than giving everything a lick and a promise and expecting it to be fine. Be honest with yourself if you are being fair or not.
Tiredness and stress could be playing a big part.

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