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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Letting go

5 replies

Thisisthepits · 04/06/2018 09:56

My two year relationship ended out of the blue two months ago. It wasn’t a healthy relationship, he was a control freak, used to lie to me and would make me feel full of confidence one minute and subtly criticise to being me down the next. He never involved me in his life, I never was allowed to sleep over and never met family or friends.

I look back and can’t believe I put up with it for so long. I was so over involved with a man I adored and worshipped who cared little for me. He had the words but nothing was consistent. I’ve spent much of the last two years trying to be what he wanted me to be and have sat around waiting for snippets of his time while he’s been out having fun living his life, seeing friends and doing hobbies. He’s now with someone new who he was flirting with during our relationship. He seems to be making s proper commitment to her.

He never ended it with me after two years, just ignored my messages and his phone went straight to answerphone. The day before everything was in a hot phase where he seemed to be making a lot of effort and was keen to see me.

I was doing ok, upset but ok. But the last few weeks I’ve been so low and distracted. Despite how he has made me feel and his behaviour towards me, I find myself missing him and struggling not having him in my life anymore. I feel like I must have been worth so little if he could just cut me off like that. I keep crying, can’t sleep, wake up having panic attacks and generally have just totally lost my focus. I’d thought I’d be over him by now but I’m only just starting to see the damage that has been done.

OP posts:
Thisisthepits · 04/06/2018 11:12

I've just read the gaslighting thread on here, that happened so often. Daft little things like changing plans, changing names of who he'd seen, what he was doing etc then act confused as if I was trying to trick him.

OP posts:
Gardai · 04/06/2018 11:46

I know it’s easy to say but you are really better without him. Concentrate on the way you were before you met him, all the things you did that made you happy and enjoy life.
He sounds fucking awful and has ground you down, it will take time to ‘come to’, after all it was a bit of a shock.
Let yourself heal, and don’t fall for a man like that again, remember how to be yourself- oh and cut off contact with him completely, for your own mental health Flowers

Thisisthepits · 04/06/2018 13:46

The contact is cut but I’m finding it difficult to accept that he’s cut it, Gardai. I have no control over it and it upsets me greatly. The way he has treated me is in stark contrast to how he treats friends, family and colleagues. It feels as if I’m the only one that beings out this side of him although if I look at his previous relationships, it seems to be a pattern.

My life feels so empty without him in it. It’s silly because he wasn’t actually there in person that much. As I said he was out living his life having fun while I waited and made myself available for the scraps of attention he gave me. He’d use messages and photos to make me feel close even though he wasn’t actually seeing me, he always knew when he’d ignored me to the point i was fed up and he’d go into overkill mode for a week with constant chats and attention. It was a cycle of attention, ignore, attention, ignore constantly.

I’ve lost my focus, my brain literally doesn’t seem to be able to concentrate on anything. Thoughts are one huge mess coupled with overwhelming periods of anxiety and panic. All this over one man. I feel so stupid.

OP posts:
Thisisthepits · 04/06/2018 14:54

I need to somehow rewire my brain to stop dwelling on the reason why things ended. I try to keep busy but it just isn’t working.

OP posts:
LadyMofMtsensk · 04/06/2018 18:24

Are you a regular on this board? If not then keep reading the threads - you will soon realise that many men treat many women as you have been treated. It is invariably nothing the women have done - they often seem genuinely loving, caring, wanting a full, honest relationship. Sadly they fall prey to manipulative abusers who know exactly how to reel women in and use them for their own ends using a series of well-established techniques: gaslighting, triangulation etc. This is what has happened to you. Keep reading, keep developing your understanding of these toxic men and how they operate. And Google MBCT courses in your area - this will help you to get yourself calm & thinking in a much more positive, constructive way about yourself. Stay strong, trust in yourself and your kind, loving nature.

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