Erections problems at the beginning of a relationship

[PassMeTheFrazzlesPlease]

Hi all,

Please can someone talk to me about how normal this is?

I was married for years and had never experienced this.

Now I have experienced it with two different men & I am beggining to actually worry that it is something about me.

The first one who I was seeing told me it is normal when you are first having sex with someone new... it improved at bit but not that much, his erection would just come and go all the time during sex, and he couldn’t orgasm very often. He turned out to have the issues with porn addiction, so I put it down to that. It wasn’t a serious relationship anyway.

But now I am seeing someone who I really like - we had sex for the first time at the weekend and it was happening with him too 😔

I am confident that there are no porn issues - but he has suffered from severe anxiety & is on anti depressants for this.

It might sound selfish but I was disappointed (I didn’t make an issue of it though)

And I can’t help wondering now “is it me?”.

I am considered to be attractive (sorry to say that, it is cringey I know 🙈) and I’m pretty good shape - but my body isn’t just the same as pre-kids and I do have some insecurity about some bits of it.

Then I wonder, is it because i’m fairly confident sexually? Am I scaring them?! Is it my age (they were both a few years younger than me)

Is it something I am actually doing wrong or should be doing differently? Can I do something to help with this if it is anxiety related?

Or is it even a deal breaker? I left a lonely marriage & I don’t to fall into something that is doomed to fail.

And this guy is SO lovely and has such good qualities, if it continues then maybe I can work around it.. I don’t know - any experiences around this?!

(Both these men were mid-thirties and fit and healthy, for the sake of context)

• and obviously the title should say “erection”, not plural 😂 don’t think I can edit it though

The anti depressants will cause this. It is a very common side effect.

Were they over 40?
Since dating after my ex I've been going for men 40+ and several of them have had this problem. Combination of age, years of smoking or heavy drinking in some cases and low self confidence I think.

It's nothing to do with you.

Problems with both libido and erections are common side effects of anti depressants so could be that. I’m sure many men feel a little insecure with a new partner, particularly if they aren’t fully confident within themselves and their bodies. If he has been drinking when you are having sex, that can have a major effect too. Trust me, it is nothing you are doing.

Yes, it’s a well-known side effect of anti-depressants.

Thank you for the reassurance. I don’t want to talk to any of my friends about it because I don’t think it is fair to the guy I’m seeing, but it was staying to play on my mind so much that I was considering “sexier” underwear and things!

If I can focus on it not being about me not being not sexy enough, then maybe it will resolve itself - or maybe I can find the courage to talk to him about it if it carries on in future..

This is such a shame. Could he try Viagra?

It’s not you. It’s them. Or their meds. Or their wanking addiction. DH had a few issues when we first met (performance anxiety) and again while TTC (ditto). It did just pass once the pressure was off. If a decent piv fuck is a deal breaker (it 100% is for me) then whilst i’d Not give up immediately, I’d probably only give it 2-4 attempts.

This is not uncommon amongst older men. And I mean 50ish.

Men do carry on like ageing is something that happens to women but I had a run of this too (well, by 'a run of this' I also mean two men) and ended up feeling shit and wondering if they could have had an erection for a woman half their age but not for a woman in good shape a 'mere' five years younger. It makes you feel shit even if it's nothing to do with you.

Maybe viagra could be an option GladAllOver ?

I think it would also be a dealbreaker for me if it carries on. The weirdest bit - with both of them (and I’m glad it’s not just me who has had “a run” of them Skinnies 😂) is that they didn’t acknowledge it was happening and just carried on trying to stick a slightly floppy penis inside me, which doesn’t work so well.

I spoke to the first one about it at the time and then felt a bit guilty as he was embarrassed, but surely it is less embarrassing to acknowledge it than to carry on trying to plough away regardless?! 🤔

I guess they're hoping it'll come back if they keep going.

I think the antidepressants are a likely culprit. I'd expect it in the older guy to a certain extent, but not so much in their thirties. But it's not you.

If your relationship is important to you both, I think you could work through it together.
You may be able to build up his confidence so that he doesn't need the ADs. And there are alternatives to drugs for depression, and doctors now encourage patients to try them.
I think you should try to get him to talk to his GP, if that is something you feel able to discuss with him.

Op when I first got together with my husband he had the same issue- he was only about 28 too! And then he had issues ejaculating. I totally didn't get it- at the time I was young and hot and had never had a problem before, despite multiple experiments :-).

Turns out he hadn't had a serious partner in over six years, really liked me, and was painfully nervous and intimidated by how forward I was. Once he became more comfortable with me, he was fine and seven years on there are no issues.

I wouldn't say he has the highest libido of men I have been with but definitely no problems with erections or ejaculating.

Name changed here : No sex is perfect at the start and I have recently encountered the same problem due to a newish partner's medical issues. He does use Viagra and he has gone from being so anxious about it/and with me and worrying that he was going to lose his erection (and so being very quick) to being an amazing lover now. It has just taken time and confidence I guess for him. I really did think initially that I wasn't prepared to take this on . The difference is amazing though and its not all about an erection when pleasing you but yes I understand . Even guys with no problems get soft and hard during an extended time. Have to say though that my partner talked about it which is a good thing . It's really not about you - it is about them and their fear of failure in their head .

that they didn’t acknowledge it was happening and just carried on trying to stick a slightly floppy penis inside me, which doesn’t work so well

Yes! That's the worst. I guess they hope that if they get it in somehow it will get hard again but it's just so awful. And what do you do? Tell him to stop because it's too floppy? Gah.