Afraid of change

[Funkyfooo]

Hi, just need some advice off people that don’t know me, I’ve been with my partner for 24 years, not married but have 3 children, 17, 13 and 5, I’ve been contemplating splitting up for a while now but then think I’d be upsetting too many people if I did. I love him and He’s not a bad person it’s just loads of things that I just don’t think I can live with any longer, the reason I’m writing on this is because today I’ve had enough. I Could go on and on about how little he does around the house and how he makes me feel sometimes, sometimes if we are out together, which we don’t get to do often, he will talk to everybody else and make me feel I am by myself then tells me I’m being on unsociable, but back to today, we was out with our daughter 5 and nephew 6 and I asked if there was any steps off the pier half way down,(which there was) to walk through a diff way to the fair, an he turned to me and spoke loudly are u fuckin stupid, and proceeded to tell me I did his head in and to think before I spoke, to save making a scene I walked ahead with my daughter, didn’t say nothing, walking further down an he says aww look at all these couples having a nice day, an look at us, I told him to go home an took the kids the fair myself, he came to find me then stomped off agin cos I wasn’t speaking to him. I know this might all sound silly to you but not the first time he’s ruined a day out by speaking to me like that then expecting me to just go with his mood swings just cos we’re in a public place. Am I being dramatic?? Cos when it’s happening I really hate him, then he’s being nice and I’m thinking maybe it was a stupid question

The way he has spoken to you is clearly unacceptable. Have you endured this sort of thing throughout your relationship, or is it a recent development?

Suppose he has but not all the time, then will make it seem smaller than it was, then I just let it go. I’m 40 this year an think seriously am I prepared to put up with it any longer for the sake of keeping a family together. Iv talked to him about how he can be an hel blame being stressed about work or something else then I feel like I’d be upsetting our children’s whole lives because I’m not happy

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is in this for you?.
You only need to give yourself permission to leave this relationship and being unhappy is a good enough reason to go. And no you are not being dramatic at all.

How can you be supported in leaving this individual who blames everyone and everything else seemingly except him for his actions?. You've been thinking about leaving for a while now, how can this actually happen?.

Womens Aid are worth contacting on 0808 2000 247 and they could advise you further.

You have one life OP, do not continue to do your bit here to show your kids such damaging lessons about relationships. Would you want your kids to have a relationship similar to this as adults, no you would not. So why is this seemingly good enough for you if you would not want this for them?. It is not good enough for you either. It is perhaps because you are afraid of change, an innate fear of him, money worries and or fear of the unknown that you have not made plans to leave this relationship. There are a whole host of reasons but you cannot and must not use the kids as a reason to stay with him.

Staying for the sake of the children is a bad idea. It teaches the children that the relationship was based on a lie and its a heavy burden to place upon them.

Your children, particularly your eldest two, are more than likely well aware that their dad is making you as their mum very unhappy indeed and they heard his comments towards you. They know and pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken here. They perhaps also wonder of you why you have stayed with him and would call you daft for staying because of them. You have stayed for your own reasons, these children cannot be used as glue to bind you and he together.

Iv tried to speak to him, an he’s said sorry, said he didn’t think he acted the way he did, which is false as we’ve had this argument a few times, I told him what I couldn’t stand it any longer and don’t think things will ever change as that’s the way he is (only with me tho) there’s lots of things I could go on about that he’s done, never been violent with me or cheated that I’m aware of anyway, but he takes us for granted and I can’t live a life where I’m walking on egg shells. Iv asked him to move out in hope that maybe he can actually see things from my perspective an see that the way he speaks to me and dosnt act as a team with the kids and house, I do absolutely everything, and I work aswel, which he seems to think he dosnt av to do nothing cos he’s worked all week, how iv put up with it this long baffles me but I think cos we do have a laugh sometimes an been with him so long iv just sort of got used to it, thanks for listening to me, have never turned to these sites before, but it’s hard to speak to friends and family as I don’t want them to judge him, as what’s the point if I’m still with him