Ggg

[blinkingbear]

Advice urgently needed - GF 15 wks pregnant

Hi all, some advice would be greatly appreciated. My gfr and I have been together since March 2017, we met not long after I had come out of an intense 6 month relationship. At first I called it off after 2 dates because I started to feel like I wasn’t ready for another relationship so quickly, but we got back in touch with a view to keeping it casual, except we failed spectacularly and she moved in with me in November.

It was great fun at first, but since living together I slowly started to feel something wasn’t working and this feeling kept getting worse and worse, as I found we quickly settled into a dull routine and stopped going out much. This wasn’t helped by the fact it was the first time I’d lived with someone and found my personal time lost. I also have depression and have been trying to control this.

Anyway, since the start of the year I was taking my time to think about everything and what I want from the relationship, but didn’t get around to starting a conversation.

Just after our first anniversary my gfr told me she was pregnant.
It was as big a shock as this news can be, and in the days that followed my thoughts were too overwhelmed and scrambled to have any clarity. Now she’s 15 weeks pregnant and I’m in a state of permanent high anxiety. She’s been terribly sick so far and I feel like I have no control over my life, looking after her, the flat whilst also going to work - I’m getting no space to think about things and am going a little crazy with worry, to the point of feeling suicidal at times.

She’s a lovely girl and has done nothing wrong - it’s all from me, and I know I’m not happy. But how can I break up now? Especially if she still keeps the baby - I don’t want to be an absent father like my own was. My happiness should also be important in this, but I don’t know what to do

Sorry - no idea what went wrong with the subject title!

You can be single and not be an absent father. You need to have a conversation asap

Take a deep breath and try to realise that the person you are involved in this journey with probably (definitely) feels equally (excessively) as lost as you. Then have a calm serious and in-depth chat about all the issues you have raised. From BOTH your perspectives. All the best.

Are you getting any help with the depression? Mental health issues can become a lot more intense during periods of pressure (which this no doubt is for both of you). If your depression is making it difficult for you to think long term at the moment, then just take things a day at a time and talk as calmly as you can with your partner. As pps have said, your options aren't just stay as you are or leave together - there's every chance that you can find a way forward that you can both live with comfortably

leave altogether not together

Clearly you cannot stay in the relationship. You were already having doubts and would be setting both of you up for a miserable lifetime.

But you do need to speak to her immediately, preferably today. She deserves to know how you feel, so that she can make an informed decision about the pregnancy.

I think you already know that you need to do all of this with utmost kindness and compassion, and step up as a father should she decide to go ahead with the pregnancy.

Thank you all for your kind replies. I did try broaching the subject once about a month and a half ago, along the lines of us lacking connection, but she got furious and so I’ve been avoiding the subject since while I got my head around things.

As for my depression, I stopped counselling last year but think that was a mistake.

I’m really worried about being seen as a terrible partner for potentially doing something that would either lead to the abandonment of a pregnancy or breaking up with someone pregnant.

There is no good way to leave a pregnant partner. She will be devastated and furious, and her family will support her.

But you don't have to be a shit about it. Make a plan and execute it. Don't hint, tell her the facts. Don't give her false hope. Don't blame her.

What is the alternative? Sacrificing your whole life? And she won't realise it now, but staying wouldn't be fair on her either because she deserves someone who thinks the world of her.

You tell her you'll support her during the pregnancy and be a good father, and then you do just that. Through your actions, you will show her and everyone else that you are not a terrible person.

Five years from now you can both be in happy relationships whilst Co-parenting, amicable because you've been reliable and kind. Or you can both be miserably living together still.

If you're not having any therapy at the moment, is it possible that your depression is making your situation seem more hopeless than it actually is? Perhaps it would be a good idea to tell your partner that you are struggling but really want to do the right thing and then get an appointment with your GP as soon as you can to look at treatment options. Once your depression is under control, you might find that your ability to think clearly and to manage difficult situations improves considerably.

Op, I'm not sure how old you both are but is there any chance of any parental help for either of you.? If so, I would urge you to try and talk to maybe your parents at least, if you can.
Sometimes just talking can feel like a massive unburden.
(I'm only speaking from the point of if you were my son, I wouldn't care what you had to tell me, as long as you had the support you need. )

Ps- sorry I meant to clarify, the possibility of talking to your Mum or your gf parents.