Should I put up with this or just end things for good?

[theothersweretaken]

Hey, this is my first post so I hope it comes out okay!

To put it in short, my partner seems to run away at the first sign of change or conflict. It's happened when he moved back in with his parents over a year ago (we don't live together, have been together 2.5 years), and it's happened again now that I'm moving into my own place, which actually happens to be closer to him than I am now. We haven't argued about it, but on both occasions he's said he's scared that it won't work out/the change will be difficult and tried to end the relationship. Last time this happened, we seemed to get past it (which meant I effectively ignored what had happened and allowed him back into my life without any explanation of why he acted so weird about things), and we actually went on to have a year of pure bliss.

It was about 2 weeks ago when it happened again. This time, he's called time on the relationship and said he thinks he needs at least a month or two to think about if he can deal with the 'pressure' of me moving, starting working full time (he's only ever known me to work part time and therefore I've been there to answer the phone or see him whenever he bloody asks), and whether this is what he really wants. I was really hurt and taken aback but I've agreed, so I guess right now I'm effectively single but I still find myself tearing up and hoping he comes back every day.

I know some of you might say that there's an underlying reason why he can't deal with change, or can't be with me anymore, and I'm open to those suggestions. I'm just wondering if I should put up with this nonsense, or should I 'man up' and leave him for good? I love him so much but the more this happens the more I wonder if he's got emotional issues and I should try to move on - but that'd be really painful because in every other aspect, our relationship is/was great.

Woman up and leave him. Change can be hard, but if you are a couple you should be trying to deal with things as a couple.

Have a look at your married friends who have children, and have a think about all of the changes they have gone through to get to where they are now - Marriage, pregnancy, childbirth, children, medical problems, extended family problems, etc, etc, etc. There will ALWAYS be something that can throw a spanner in the works, and having a manchild who runs away at the first sign of difficult means that you will ALWAYS have to carry the burden in difficult situations. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

I am not sure I understand. He's breaking up with you because you moved house and started working full time? That's so weird. There's got to be something going on, but if this is how he reacts to regular, normal life occurrences then imagine if something really challenging actually happened. He may end up holding you back from doing things.
Hope the break allows you to get some clarity on the relationship.

Thank you ladies. @wontbedoingthat, in short, yeah. He said he feels like there's a lot of pressure on him to make sure it works out because I'll be living closer to him when we've been used to being an hour apart (and it's worked well) for the past year. He then said he's scared it won't work out or my change in working hours will have an effect, which I've heard from him before. Strikes me as the type that would rather leave before I leave him, if that makes sense? But the sad thing is I would never have left him (until this point), I adore him.

Well then that's ridiculous. Has he no resilience?! You have very strong feelings for him so it's no use us all saying move on. It's your life, but a partnership with someone who over thinks and over reacts to what is essentially a non-issue cannot be something you can realistically see playing out in any positive way. Keep him as a friend, but not for a proper mutually beneficial relationship? Good luck and hope it works out for you, whatever comes next.

Well if your life plan is to find someone, move in with them, maybe marry, have children, get a better/different job, change careers, potentially look after aging parents, try a new activity, go on holiday somewhere different, age, get a different hair style, move house/ area... then yes... you need to move on.

Thanks guys :(
@Aussiebean, so far he's been fine in respects to holidays (we've been on a few), HIS job change, he's stayed with my family over Christmas period etc. It's just the moving houses that he's struggled with, which makes no sense really does it? Urgh

It seems like the thing he is actually struggling with are aspects of change that suggests a greater commitment.

If he is fine with a holiday, or a change of jobs, but not you moving closer and therefore ‘upping’ the level of commitment- that could be telling.

So moving in, shared finances marriage children? How does he feel about those?

Good god, if he can't cope with you changing address (it's not even him that has to move) how the hell would he ever cope with a life-changing event like a baby?

You both sound very young. Does he work at all?

He sounds weird and immature. How would he cope with really hard hitting life changes - serious illness, bereavement, parenthood? I couldn’t be bothered with someone who carried on like this.

Different things impact people in different ways.

The impact of anyone being so pathetic with me, would be the push.

He's quite happy to have a girlfriend, at a distance but is quite happy at mum & dad's and doesn't want to progress toward living with you & committing to the relationship.
Actions speak louder than words and he's ended the relationship when you tried to move it on.

Just to answer the questions asked in the last few comments -

His ideas on commitments on living together, marriage etc are pretty average. We've talked about having kids and what their names would be, what they would be like, we talk about how our parenting styles would be an awful lot. Marriage he's not too fussed about, but neither am I. And we've made plenty of references about living together in the past, so it feels like right now he's having a case of commitment cold feet, with the fact I'm moving into my own place spurring this on maybe?

In response to "does he work", yeah he earns a pretty good living to be honest, he is earning a fair bit more than me even at my new job.

Thanks everyone for the advice again, I've had a really tough day today but I think it's the feelings of anger and "I've wasted my time on this man" coming through. :(

I can’t imagine thinking you could stay in any kind of serious relationship with someone who struggles with YOU moving house. I would be pissed enough of a bf wasn’t around helping shift furniture - much less needing a relationship break .

For God's sake don't say you're not fussed about marriage! That's like saying you don't mind working without a contract of employment in place.

He expects you to just sit around waiting for a month or two while he decides if he can cope with you not being around to answer the phone whenever he wants and the pressure of knowing you've got your own place now! Holy fuck.

What a selfish self-important dick he is. He really must think he is god's gift.

Seriously though, I'd say he's screwing someone else and is keeping you on hold in case it doesn't work out.

Dick. Make his decision for him.

but that'd be really painful because in every other aspect, our relationship is/was great.

Your relationship was great except when anything properly good happened in your life, at which point he dumps you for a couple of months until you are ready to apologise for being successful and let him back in your knickers without a single grovelling apology from him. Quite the power play.

@HollowTalk I'm not fussed! My parents are still married but all the other marriages in my family have ended in divorce. Marriage is lovely but not for everyone

@RabbitsAreTasty I enjoyed reading that. I think you're right (okay, I know you're right)

what's he going to be like if he hits a real problem? you get ill? he gets ill? one of your kids has a major problem? he loses his job?

i imagine you'd like to be in a relationship with an adult not a child. actually, that does a disservice to children.

Erm isn’t the whole legal benefit of marriage only really applicable when they end in divorce? So if you want children, that is the point!!

It's not that simple, timeisnotaline.

There are tons of women who agree not to marry, then have a baby, go part-time (thereby reducing salary, job opportunities and pension) and then years later find themselves dumped, or wanting to dump, with a very, very restricted financial future. This is often accompanied by shock and horror that there's no such thing as a common law wife.

Sorry hollow that is what I’m saying. The reasoning that marriages can end is exactly why women wanting children should get married given they also serve as the legal contract in our society. Not the whole commitment for a lifetime aspect (although this is my reason for marrying).

Crikey. This man is not a good bet for the future. You get married, have kids, something bad happens and he’ll be off. You’ll never ever be able to rely on him. Ever. What’s the point of that? None. Let him stay gone. In fact you should message him and say “you keep doing this. Everytime the going gets a bit tough, you get going. Don’t contact me again. We are finished. I am no longer interested in bothering with you and your weird avoidance stuff. Grow up and have a nice life” then block him and go find yourself a decent reliable guy

I think the major problem is that he has done this WITHOUT conflict.

You moved house, big deal. But he was so freaked out about it that he has run away.

You will spend the rest of you relationship wondering what will set him off next. Will he stay, go or come back? And the worst bit is that it could be anything. Something that doesn’t rate a freak out. Something like you moving house which has little to nothing to do with him

Come on OP.
You sound strong and intelligent.
You know what to do.
Send that text and tell him it's totally over.

The answer is the same as the answer to this: are you prepared to live like this for the rest of your life? As others have said, there will inevitably be changes throughout life. That's just the way it is.