No longer attracted

[rockandhard]

Me and DP been together for 6 years, 2 kids under 3, but have been having intimacy issues since before we even got pregnant, so can't blame it on having kids.

We love eachother, live together for the majority of our relationship but we're more like best friends. We have a laugh, enjoy spending time together, talk about everything but when it comes to romance or sex, it's non existent. And even when it is, I personally feel awkward, uncomfortable and embarrassed. Just sorta waiting for it to be over really.

Neither of us want to break up or lose our lives we have together but I also don't want to be celibate forever.
We've had a lot of issues in the past that we've had to overcome which I think put a dampener on things.

I don't know if I'm able to get over these feelings even if we tried. No help around so impossible to go out on dates/have time alone. We are still young, in our 20's.
Half of me is just saying suck it up and go on as normal, but I don't know.

Anyone experienced similar ?

I felt this way very early on in my marriage.. life was hectic, young dc, both worked full time, finances ok but I just felt nothing when I looked at him.. no attraction, no desire to be intimate (did it out of duty) but sex was scarce. I remember in one argument he asked me if I remember the last time I hugged, touched or kissed him... I literally couldn't, he said it had been over 4 months!

I think he got tired of initiating affection & being rejected so we stopped even arguing about it, the marriage limped on for another 4 years the final 2 in separate rooms.. I don't know if therapy, date nights etc would have helped, I doubt it very much. It's sad but in hindsight I would have tried rather than break up my family.

Thanks for replying. Seems identical to what I feel.

I don't want to break up my family, or for the kids to grow up in separate homes etc etc, and we would find it hard not being with eachother everyday.

but if the intimacy/desire is gone then do you just put up with it? Ahh. My head is a wreck.

I think it's very hard to feel those things regularly when you have two kinds under three. Life with young kids is bloody hard work and you need to be a strong team. I don't know what the right answer is for you but I would be asking myself if there was enough else going for the relationship to keep you going and loving each other through the dry spells. Every long-term relationship has them - the question is whether there is enough else keeping you in the relationship.

That's very true. We do make a great team when it comes to the hectic life of two under 3.

I honestly enjoy everything else about the relationship (apart from minor annoyances) , im just afraid this brother/sister feeling will not go away for me

I once read an article about how a woman view of intimacy & herself during intimacy changes once she's a mother not just how she views her new body but how sometimes that once carefree minx type feeling goes.. I often look back & wonder if I was one of those.. I think I viewed it more of another chore to add to the list & less about wild free abandonment like it was before children. It certainly became a quicker fit it in where you can.. maybe that changed how I looked at exh.. he was no longer the man who wooed me & pleasured me because we didn't have time for all that anymore.. maybe if I'd have thought about things more tried harder, arranged child free nights we could have got that excitement back.
Our downfall was complete lack of communication I literally thought because we stopped discussing our sex life he wasn't bothered either. It's like a cycle the less I had it the less I wanted it & the further apart we got.

I see what you mean, I think that is part of it, but these feelings started for me before I even got pregnant the first time.

I guess the time spend alone together was less and less, no romance, no nothing. All platonic now. Little things just annoy me now, resentment has built up and just killed any intimate feeling.

After talking about it, no conclusion came. Everything has just gone back to normal like it never happened. It feels like I'm waiting for the relationship to limp on until I have a definite idea of what to do

rockandhard I'm in a very similar position. Have you spoken to him about it honestly? How does he feel? Does he feel the same way?

Have you considered some therapy, just for yourself? It could be biological (hormones, diet, lack of exercise, a medical thing) or it could be about your relationship and this lack of effort he seems to be putting in. I've been through similar where my libido dropped through the floor (was only mid-20s). I started some supplements after doing lots of research and coming to the conclusion I was very run down in all aspects of life. I started exercising again to give my body some love, likewise started paying attention to my diet. For a whole host of other reasons I started therapy and realised I also felt something lacking in our relationship (similar to you, it felt very platonic and I didn't feel any intimacy, sexual or otherwise), and had some unspoken resentments towards him (and he me). We've been on a great (difficult, but great) journey together and separately, and I feel I've really come back to myself (I do realise how ridiculous that sounds but it's true). I was so worried this all meant I didn't love him, but I did. I just needed to fix some stuff in me and in our relationship. Things are back on track, I'm happy to report, but it took work and there were lots of moments we both thought it might be the end. I'm lucky that my partner is very open-minded and was willing to make some changes with me; it took a lot of emotional work for both of us but I think he would say it was worth it now I've reclaimed some of my libido!

It's worth adding I don't have kids, so also don't underestimate the fatigue and stress that will be having on your body.

Good luck, with some focused research I'm sure you'll find some answers and figure out where things can be improved - probably loads of different areas.

Feel free to PM if you like

I put up with no intimacy of any kind for 4 years. It broke me.