On being alone and wanting to change that

[Reallyboredofthisnow]

Hi, I'm hoping for some advice?
I'm a female in my 40's who, until 5 years ago, was always in a relationship. I was was heartbroken when this LTR ended although in time could see this was what needed to happen. I've kind of shut myself into a 'safe place' away from any possibility of dating/meeting new people. I feel like I've learnt from my past relationships and made changes in the way I think about them. I've done a lot of thinking, but now realise that's really all I've done! I'm feeling past it, the thought of online dating terrifies me and it'd be a big change to ' put myself out there' in any way shape or form!
I think I need to change the way I look at it. E.g that I've let too much time pass, am closed to the idea of love and probably won't find it now. Is anyone willing to share their experiences with me to encourage me? Have you found love after a long time alone? What happened? I think I just need to believe it can happen. Once I've cracked this I think I'll be more open to different ideas about how I go about it. This is the first thread I've posted and it makes me feel vulnerable doing it so would appreciate you being gentle with me. Thank you

I haven't met anyone it's worked out with yet but I have met someone online dating it didn't work out with but I wish it had - so not exactly a success story but definitely create a profile and put yourself out there. You don't even have to reply if people who contact you aren't for you. If it's too much you can always back away - but you won't know without giving it a go.

If online dating feels too much - there's always meetups. I find OLD less scary tbh as I don't even have to leave home.. I reply or not, sometimes progress to a phone call and sometimes from there a date. But if at any point there's red flags and there often are - I just block and delete and wait for the next message

Thank you for your reply
Yes, I guess the answer is to just find a way to put myself out there...no other way round it is there?! I take your point about the comfort of OLD from home, and thanks for the tips, I'll take those on board. It's a whole new world for me!
Sorry to hear that it didn't work out for you with the person you met, but I do admire your resilience and strength of character in getting out there again. I think that sort of approach to anything in life pays off eventually. I wish you all the best with it and will take in board your thoughts, see if I can muster up some courage to follow suit!

I know that a lot of people have had hard times with OLD, but I must have been lucky - I had pleasant conversations with pleasant people and had a few nice evenings out in reasonable company. Then I met my BF, who is lovely. I expected the whole thing to be dreadful and was pleased and surprised at how nice it all was.

I do think that doing it in the summer so you can have casual drinks in pub gardens with no harm done if the chaps aren't your cup of tea is a good idea.

Basically, my advice is to keep your expectations low and to meet people before you get too invested in emailing/texting them. Assume that the majority will be nice enough and that some (one, maybe) will eventually turn out to be lovely, but not necessarily similar to people you have met and/or loved before.

Good luck! It is hard to get started but I found that it felt initially like taking up an interesting new hobby. Well worth having a go, at least. Prepare to spend a reasonable amount on drinks and small meals

Thanks for sharing your story, that is encouraging. Nice to know I can all run smoothly. Yes, summer does feel more conducive to laid back meetings doesn't it. Better get my skates on, it'll be over before we know it! Glad things worked out for you

Great advice, thank you. I like the 'interesting new hobby' way of looking at it

I’m reading your post and seeing me! I’ve not been single 5 years yet, but I’m definitely cocooned away in a “safe place” and doing a lot of thinking. The longer I’m single, the more I feel I’m never going to be in love again etc. I’m not getting any younger and am losing my confidence!

I know I need to put myself out there - not necessarily to meet a man, but just to start living again.

So, no positive experiences for you, but you are not alone in feeling this way!

YES Bill!!
I see me in your response too! I think you're right it's about living life again...perhaps we need some baby steps towards that... I did recently sign up for a short evening course with that specific intention (steps towards living life again) This was a big deal for me and I was very nervous at first but am enjoying it now. I think I'm going to look for more small steps to expand my world bit by bit to get used to it and increase confidence. Thank you. Knowing you're not alone on how you feel is a very powerful thing

I found myself divorced at 50, and a bit fat after a long marriage. I decided to have another look, and joined a couple of OLD sites. Yes, there were some prize twozzocks on there, but its quite easy to spot a lot of them. Taking photos of yourself in obviously female-inhabited bedrooms is fairly stupid... I exchanged messages/conversations with about 200 blokes over a 2 year period. I only met one of them. Reader I married him. I think if you keep your wits about you, and stop doing OLD when it gets vexing for a bit, there are lots of possibilities. Good luck :)

Spongebob thank you! That's a great story for generating a sense of possibility, and thanks for the heads up (I'll be scouring those pics if/when I get to that stage!) I need to build some confidence I am also a bit fat and stories like yours help me believe there is hope

I've shared my story on here before but I was long term single...like barely had a boyfriend my whole life (you've been there at least :-) ) and I'm now 42.

I had dabbled in OLD over the years but never brave enough to go through with meeting anyone. In 2014 when I felt that one of my closest friends was drifting away and I realised I literally never went out I just decided that I had to go for it. Rejoined match and got chatting to someone....took me about three weeks before plucking up the courage to meet him!

Well, that was that really. We've been in a relationship for 4 years now, engaged, buying a house together and (praying) ttc. I never thought I'd meet someone and certainly never thought I'd get married, I still have to pinch myself.

My advice would be just to persevere with it...if you're honest in your profile and write a fair bit about yourself, what you're looking for and your interests etc you never know. I didn't waste time with one liners or those I had nothing in common with.

I'll also say that my many years of being single actually helped in a way...I was at a point where I was comfortable in my own skin and had lost that 'desperate to meet anyone' look (I actually got told that I had that look on my face by someone previously). Look at it as a way of just meeting new people, nothing to lose :-)

Best of luck to you!

There is always hope! be brave, the risk is worth it.

jiskoot that's also very encouraging- thank you! It's good to read how you really can decide to make a change and achieve what you hope for...I agree about the advantages of having been single a long time. Worth me remembering that. Again, it's great to hear you've found what you wanted.
Spongbob thank you