Need advice regarding marriage

[HopeForKaz]

Hi all, I have been overthinking and driving myself mad so I need some real female advice please!! I’ve been in a relationship 6 years with 2 children! Been engaged and booked a wedding 3 years ago which was cancelled following an argument, he asked me to cancel it and I did, he said he regretted it after! Our relationship is very up and down and I know we are both stubborn! He works a lot and doesn’t spend quality time with me, recently he agreed to try and get married again, all booked then he kept going on about another baby (twins boys he had a dream about) we already have children of both genders from previous relationships! I don’t want anymore but he kept on about it so I asked if he had to pick between a wedding and a baby, he picked a baby to which I have cancelled the wedding again! He doesn’t seem bothered about it and when I said we won’t have either he was okay with that! We have both closed up and I feel stuck! Advice ladies?

In the past he has admitted to telling me what I want to hear to “shut me up” so I don’t know what to believe anymore!!!!

My advice is to leave him
Marriage would be a bad idea based on what you’ve shared about the relationship

That’s what I keep thinking in my head! I don’t want to upset my kids breaking up a relationship! That’s why I am so stuck

He is still telling you what you want to hear to shut you up.

Why would you want to get married to someone anyway who in your description works a lot and does not spend quality time with you. He seems more preoccupied about babies than anything else and how is that going to work when you do not want any more children either.

Why are you together at all, what is keeping you in this dysfunctional relationship still?.

I think your kids would be more relieved than upset in the long term to be honest with you. You cannot use them as a reason to stay either and children should not be used as glue as a means to bind you and this man together.

Neither of you seem properly committed to being serious with each other if you can just book and cancel weddings on a whim.

This doesn’t sound like a happy, healthy relationship to me.

Just to clarify do you have two children from a previous relationship? None with him? Or one from a previous relationship and one with him?

FWIW I think it’s important for children to learn about healthy relationships from their parents. So while they might be upset about a split it would actually be in their best interests.

Because I feel like I contribute to this, I do tend to “nag” on sometimes and close myself off from him! If I’m honest he isn’t the best at communicating and tend to say the wrong things which kicks it off!

We have children from previous relationship plus we have 2 children together.

He always finds an excuse for having to earn more money! He was like that before he met me so I guess that’ll never change!

I know I shouldn’t be with him but it would be so much easier if I didnt contribute to the arguments

It does sound like you struggle to communicate and set common goals. Is he working a lot to pay the bills, isn't that a loving thing to do?

I think I would try to have a relaxed evening together, maybe take the kids swimming so you don't have to bother with bathtime and do sandwiches for a meal so there's not much clearing up, get the kids into bed early and try to have a more chilled out conversation which does include discussing future plans but not 'wedding or baby' which is all a bit overwhelming.

FWIW if you already have two children together plus children from previous relationships I think that is enough.
Bringing another child into this when the relationship is not great would be an even worse idea than getting married.
Make sure you’re using reliable contraception and you’re in control of it.

You know you shouldn't be with him? Then split! Sounds brutal but life is too short to live within a wrong relationship, it's not fair to you, him or any of the children.
Marriages are nothing to do with weddings - you can spend only on the documents/registrar if you truly want to be married to each other. Maybe neither of you do.