How long before introducing kids to new partner?

[ghosting]

I’m not at this point yet, but wondering if I met a new partner, how long should I wait before introducing them to the children?

Different for everyone obvs but im erring on sooner rather than later - i come as a package with DD and dont want new men having a year of me without her in tow then struggling to adapt. I like to suss out how good they are with her and vice versa early on. Theyre simply introduced as my friends at first, not like some kind of dad substitute.

Agree with prizeoik. My partner of 18 months is a serious relationship but we do not and will not live together anytime in the next 5 years minimum. I have my household and kids, he has his. We're only my 10 mins from each other and can pop on for quick coffees or spend whole weekends together but there's no way I will risk my or my kids security and stabilit ly based on if someone continues to like / love / fancy me. The upheaval after exh ran off with ow was simply too great for me to risk it again. I do miss the sharing of ordinary things but in many ways it's great.. You don't have the mundane stuff taking the shine off and we continue to make an effort for each other. The kids have met him and he interacts well enough but as a pp said, there are no plans for him to be a stepfather and if it goes wrong they won't much notice his absence. For me, that's thr key thing.

I disagree. I think it's fairly casual if living in separate households if it's a while down the line. I think there's different factors to be taken into account, but ultimately if everything is right with the relationship, there's something wrong if you both don't want to make things permanent. And if your partner didn't like your children or vice versa, would you really want a relationship with them anyway?
There's no way to keep both sides of your life completely separate in the long run.

there's something wrong if you both don't want to make things permanent.

Lol. Is moving in together permanent? Can they not leave once they've moved in??

You're parroting the usual stuff about what relationships are "meant" to be like. And that's fine. Just bear in mind those assumptions are based on a time when we all farmed the land together, etc. It ain't like that anymore and it's a bit weird to say that relationships that aren't based on those assumptions, are somehow "not real".

Personally for me I would need to date for at least 6 months to make my own mind up then maybe 6 months of them knowing my child but my child not knowing them as my boyfriend, just a friend... then I may move someone in/make a commitment and allow Dc to know I'm in a relationship.

I can't let DC go through any more heartbreak over betrayal by a father figure. Their dad has hurt them enough. I'd rather be single than see that pain of rejection and bewilderment again in them after a relationship breaks down

There's no such thing as 'permanent', as my experience and obviously many may others have shown. There's nothing 'wrong' with my current relationship but I thought that about my previous marriage / relationship of ten years and I'm simply not prepared to risk my home / security on something as ephemeral as feelings. I really like the fact that all the practical and financial stuff is mine and my relationship is separate. To some extent I disagree about kids being part of 'a package'. I am a mother and they come first but I am also a person in my own right and a slightly more distanced relationship gives that person a place to be.

I don't get introducing them as "friends" kids aren't stupid.

Well I act like a friend around my kids... so mine haven't clicked

Depends on their ages but mine are quite switched on . Kids no more than people give them credit for.

Know*

Personally I would wait 6 months. Everyone is different though. I know someone who split with her long term partner and father of her child and was seeing someone new within a few weeks, child met him within a few weeks also and now a few months down the line he lives with them I think that's highly stupid myself but each to their own!

I'm with PrizeOik to be honest. I don't ever want to live with a man again. I'm open to relationships in the future but if I'm honest I think blended families cause more problems than they're worth.

I wouldn't introduce anyone to DS for probably a year and even then wouldn't want them taking on any kind of parent role.

Im extremely wary of living with anyone again too for the same reasons, however, im only 31 and i think id like more children, DD is desperate for siblings, so i think i'll have to get my head round it! Dont think i want to rear babies in separate households, but i agree on the other counts and u have the right idea ladies!!

I introduced mine after about 11 months, and that was about right for us. We knew each other well, knew what we wanted longer term, I knew I trusted him, and I knew (hoped) he would get on well with them. It’s been greatn- they love him and he’s fantastic with them.

Agree wholeheartedly with Prize and Huge

Although my children have not yet met anyone because im too scared to put myself out there and have just ended a 2-year clusterfuck of a LDR

I like to think i will remain open minded. Hard to know what it will be like - for instance if i meet someone with no kids then perhaps it would make it easier to set up home together provided all parties are happy & comfortable.

It boggles my mind tbh and is a worry. I have nothing much wiser to add !

My kids met my bloke at exactly the same time that I did. They could obviously see the spark between us and knew he'd be my boyfriend before I did!

If a new partner asked to meet your children early on (2-3 months in), how would you feel about that?

It depends on so many factors....age of the child, how long you've been single, man in question, how you think kids will react, whether he also has kids, how you see the relationship going etc etc.

Personally, mine had already met my current partner before we got together as we all went to the same sports club so there was no point trying to cover anything up. However my children were older - 11 and 17, I had basically been on my own for over 10 years (a few boyfriends who didn't meet kids) and I knew the relationship was going to be serious. I won't say permanent as like a pp said, things are rarely permanent.

Basically there is no 'one size fits all', you have to do what feels right in your situation.

If you're not happy to introduce them yet and he tries to force the issue that is a massive red flag though!

SP and my son met about 3 months in...not planned, X brought DS back to house unplanned after a football match. So they all met. Worked out fine and has since. DP moved in about 12 months later and we get married next month. I'm really glad they met each other earlier than I'd have planned. Would have hated to have invested more time with someone that my son didn't get on with (and vice versa).

Xh has introduced dd to a procession of women and it has not gone well. As a result, she is beyond freaked at the idea of me seeing anyone, in case it goes the way it has with her father. So no anyone for me, thanks to him fucking it up spectacularly. And the stupid women he did it with!

I think it depends on the age of the children. I met my fiancé’s daughter after only a couple of weeks by chance, she came round whilst I was there but she was 19 at the time and was not bothered in the slightest! If our children had been younger we would have waited longer obviously!

They are 10 and 7. I wouldn’t have a problem introducing him as a friend. But as a partner, I’m not so sure.

Only ever introduce a partner when your sure they're not a nutter and they will be a long term partner. It take a long time to really get to know anyone so to save messing with your child's emotional wellbeing, take your time. They don't need different partners coming and going out of their lives, it leaves scars. Your children are your priority. What purpose does it serve to introduce your partner to your children? Why do they need to be introduced; unless you're looking for a new mother/father figure and is the partner wanting this role?

As a related question - what are thoughts around telling the father of your kids about a new partner? I live in a small enough place that it’s possible ex will see me and new guy together. It feels like I should tell him before that happens?