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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Breaking up with father of baby at 35 weeks?

22 replies

pumpkinbump · 02/06/2018 17:49

Hi all, I'll try to keep this brief. Together almost 3 years. Found out in January I was pregnant when I was already 16 weeks. Baby due 6th July. Father wasn't happy initially as he never wanted kids, he has since come to accept it, although I'm not sure how much. Don't live together. Had no plans to as relationship has always been on his terms. See each other three times a week at most. I haven't been happy with this set up for the last 2 odd years and have tried to end it on a few occasions but never seemed to follow through.

Lots of arguments since the pregnancy news as I have felt unsupported and alone. We both have own houses and he stated early on that he wasn't going to be giving up his house, but that he would be here at me house more 'initially' when the baby is born. I didn't push the matter, thinking I would give that a try. Since then the whole thing has really be eating at me more and more. I don't deem it normal for a couple who are 'together' to live apart when they have a child. I decided that I don't want this to be the case for the best 10, 15 years. I finally snapped, and ended the relationship because I was just so bloody miserable. This was Tues. Since then we have been discussing it via text. I have told him that I will not tolerate this sort of relationship any longer, I have always felt it was a very casual set up even though he always said it wasn't. I've had enough. He's spent time telling me that one of his mates has a child with his partner but they don't live together bla bla bla. I have told him that I don't care about their lives, if it works for them fine, but it isn't for me. I also worry that it will confuse the child. He has also said that nobody in their right mind would give up their house. It's like he thinks it's ridiculous for a couple to even entertain the idea of living together. I have said he doesn't have to, there were other options such as renting it out etc. It's not even about living with him anymore, I am not sure I want to. But what I can't stand is living as a single mother whilst claiming to be in a relationship. I would rather be single than have this way of life forced on me. I have told him that I'm not going to change my mind on it and I accept how he is. He wants to come to talk about it all properly this afternoon/evening. I don't know what he could possibly have left to say. Am I being unreasonable here? Is it normal to live apart with a new baby?

OP posts:
pisces7268 · 02/06/2018 17:55

You know you're not being unreasonable. I'm guessing there are couples out there with a baby who don't live together but if you want your boyfriend and father of your child to love with you that sounds perfectly normal to me.
Sounds like he wants the best of both worlds but you're going to end up doing all the work either way so make yourself happy as that's what he seems to be doing!

WooWoo1000 · 02/06/2018 18:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BubblingUp · 02/06/2018 18:13

How does this even work logistically? The baby is sometimes with you and sometimes with him at his place? Does he have a nursery set up at his house? Or, is it you have the child 100% of the time and Dad is just an occasional visitor and never with Dad alone at his house? In a separation there is a custody arrangement, but you all aren't separated. Do you call him and say, hey come over and watch the baby so I can go to an appointment and he may or may not be willing?

It seems like the thing to do is firmly breakup and be a 100% single mother instead of this limbo thing that will only benefit him. Otherwise you are going to be saying in your head, why doesn't he participate more? Why am I doing everything and he pops around at his convenience?

sue51 · 02/06/2018 18:47

Sounds like a selfish manchild to me. He wants everything on his own terms. Is this really someone you want a relationship with? I would end things now then put in a cms claim when the baby is born. If he is at all responsible he will want to work you to maintain contact with your child.

LetMeGo66 · 02/06/2018 18:51

IT sounds like he’s not willing to 100% commit to fatherhood and definitley not to you.

He wants his house so he can escape when things get hard and leave you to do all the hard work with the baby.

I wouldn’t want to live with him or be in a relationship with him

ThatchersCold · 02/06/2018 18:57

This was me 14 years ago! Pg at 22 to my bf who was 39. He always claimed that he would never live with a gf again, and the baby didn’t change anything. The baby was unplanned btw.

Long story short, dd came along, he did stay most nights for the first month, then after that just dropped in one or two evenings a week as it suited him. Didn’t get a penny from him either. Dumped him just after dd’s 1st birthday, and never looked back.

The irony being that he now lives with his gf!

Cawfee · 02/06/2018 18:58

Blimey. I thought I’d heard it all on here but this bloke has surprised even me!! No it’s not normal at all. He’s weird and taking the mickey. There is absolutely no point in any of this for you. Aim for what you want in life which is normal stuff not his weird way of living. Why shouldn’t you have a normal family set up? Get rid of this strange, selfish fella and be a single mum and start building your life back up. When he has access to the child you can go out and socialise/date and have the chance to meet somebody who wants the same things that you do. You will also benefit financially if single. Single parent benefits. Reduction on your council tax etc.

Laineymc7 · 02/06/2018 19:02

I’m sorry you are going through this op but you are doing the right thing. If it’s making you very unhappy then you’ve got to do something about it. Stick to your guns and don’t be persuaded by him otherwise. Definitely a man child. Wants to have his cake and eat it. Very very selfish and doesn’t sound like he will change and whilst you have been previously letting him do that he definitely will not. Who knows the kick up the arse might in future change him. Be strong, you are respecting yourself by doing this. Good luck with everything. You should be proud of your strength. Xx

pumpkinbump · 02/06/2018 19:05

No family to help, the little bit I thought I had left didn't even bother replying when I told them about the pregnancy. I have two good friends though and they have been very helpful. I am not sure how often he would be here when the baby is born if this continued. I don't even know what I want anymore. I just know I don't want 'this'. I think maybe my lack of wanting to live with him any longer is due to the constant resistance to mostly everything throughout the relationship.

OP posts:
QuoadUltra · 02/06/2018 19:09

Dump him and stop the texting. Do not get yourself into a situation where he can claim you are responsible for his decisions and emotions.

You have a third rate relationship. Have your baby and be an amazing mother and he can help you parent from his house - while you go on dates with better men.

pumpkinbump · 02/06/2018 19:09

I don't think he would leave all the hard stuff to me and I'm sure he would help out. I just don't see the point of living like a single mother, I might as well be one in that case. I don't know if I will want to live with someone down the line but I don't want the opportunity (should one arise) taken away from me by staying in a relationship like this. I want the option of these things in the future.

OP posts:
sue51 · 02/06/2018 19:40

It sounds like you've made your mind up. Stay strong when you meet up with him. You know this relationship is going nowhere.

WooWoo1000 · 02/06/2018 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

elephantscanring · 02/06/2018 20:50

It seems really weird to me to live apart with a dc. Why would you?

But if you’ve brought this up beforehand and your p has not wanted to live with you, it can be no surprise.

Decide what you want to do. Ensure your p pays maintenance.

I don’t think this is going to end with you two waltzing into the sunset...

jpclarke · 02/06/2018 21:33

You are definitely right to leave him, if he can't see that he needs to be a full time partner and a full time Dad well then you are just going to get more and more upset and angry as time goes on. Move on, he will try and promise all sorts but unless he changes now don't wait until the baby arrives.

glitterfarts · 03/06/2018 23:22

Agreed. And give the baby your surname not his. And seriously consider if you want him on the birth certificate at all.

TokenGinger · 03/06/2018 23:28

I actually think we’re seeing the same guy, or carbon copies.

My situation is exactly like this. I’m not pregnant, but there’s the whole thing of it not being a relationship and living like a single woman without being able to date, holding off for the one night a week or fortnight he makes for me.

TokenGinger · 03/06/2018 23:30

I don’t get the birth certificate thing. Why would you not put them on the birth certificate?

I’m asking with genuine interest as to what difference it makes because I don’t know.

All I know is my friend didn’t put her ex on the BC, and then he claimed baby wasn’t is so CSA couldn’t make him pay until there’d been a DNA test etc.

It was all very long winded to get him to pay for his own child.

Butterflykissess · 03/06/2018 23:36

My ex was the same!! We had two kids together but he didn't want to live together. Said it was nice living between two places and coming here was "like a holiday?!" Said we were mad to give up either house and all his friends gfs agreed with him . Anyway he would barely see the kids and it got to the point that he was hardly ever coming round . We broke up and he moved a woman in his house he met once! From pof 6 weeks yes SIX weeks after we broke up.

JessieMcJessie · 03/06/2018 23:41

Sorry you’re in this position but you sound very strong and are doing absolutely the right thing. You will hopefully one day find someone who knows how to treat you well. In the meantime enjoy your lovely baby.

scottishdiem · 04/06/2018 00:01

He wants to continue as he was before. You are a relative arms length and he enjoy what ever freedoms he wants within that. He didnt want kids so I dont think that you can demand that he changes what was going on before just because you are now pregnant. He didnt want kids.

I would dump him and get all the financial support you are entitled to. Just because he didnt want it doesnt mean he gets to absolve himself of any responsibility.

pumpkinbump · 04/06/2018 18:51

Well I've seen him on the weekend and he hasn't 'talked' although still claims to have things to say. We shall see. I am still in the same mindset.

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