I’ve told him to decide if he wants me.

[exhaustedpigeon12]

Had an argument again with my dp this weekend over something trivial. It keeps happening - I think I am starting them by bringing up something trivial, and he is escalating them by flying off the handle at this and saying we shouldn’t be acting like this, he can’t cope any more, he thinks it’s the end etc. I told him this time though that it feels like he is always on tu verge of leaving, and that I don’t know if that’s just how he feels and is too scared to do it. He sort of agreed and said he can’t work out if his low feelings are because of bad circumstantial stuff, or because of me.

I’ve told him I deserve to be with someone who is certain they want to be with me, that I love him and that even when we bicker I know I want to be with him, but that I need that back because I can’t cope with the insecurity any more.

It really fucking hurts. I adore him, we have a good life together. He treats me so well, but he is having a tough time at the moment and I cant make that better. I feel like I’ve made a stand and that’s fucking scary and I wish I’d kept my mouth shut, but equally, well. I do deserve someone who wants me too.

Please someone just tell me I’m doing the right thing. What do I do if he says it’s over? How do I get over this insecurity if he says actually, I do want to be with you? I just don’t know how we move forward now the lid is off the box.

How long have you been together? What do you get out of the relationship?

Inferring that you are the cause of his ‘low feelings’ isn’t very kind.

About a year together, but it’s been very intensive as we are both self employed so spend all day every day together.

He’s down because his kids are away st the moment and his divorce is due to be finalised any day now. Thing is, I’ve had a really rubbish time lately too and he’s been brilliant. When we are good we are incredible. The last time we argued he told me he felt something missing though, and so even when we are amazing in between, I feel this nagging feeling that I’m just not enough. His ex is quite famous and they had an incredible lifestyle together. I’m a single parent with no money, resources, energy.

I feel like I’m the committed one, that I am the one trying to fix things emotionally between us. He just wrings his hands and says it’s not meant to be this hard. I really don’t know how to move forward, it hurts, and I hate feeling this way.

In all kindness, it sounds like it’s too early for him to be in a serious relationship. At one year you should be in the ‘honeymoon’ phase. Or maybe not that’s a myth, I don’t know. But he comes with a lot of baggage and fresh grief.

And I agree with him that it’s not meant to be hard. Especially in the beginning.

I know, I think it is too soon for him - but now we are in this, I don’t know how to go back and not be in a relationship if that makes sense! Also, we genuinely have a really good relationship most of
The time. We have these occasional niggles that seem to get blown up. So last weekend we were due to go out with the kids and I got up and got them ready etc, he fell back asleep and then it blew up in my face when I said he hadn’t been fair to not just get up. But that simple “oi! Get up! We are all waiting for you” ended up as him
Saying he couldn’t carry on like this and he didn’t know why we were always like this. I’m scared to broach anything with him now as none issues are turning into WW3. Does that make sense? There’s no sliding scale at the moment, just him seeming to have one foot out the door. Which I guess gives me my answer.... but it hurts, and that’s not what I want. I don’t know how to align my brain with what’s actually happening and stop myself hoping.

Yes, I know what you mean. You want it to work, which....of course you do! You have shown up and given yourself. But if he’s blowing up like this you will eventually, if not already, start walking on eggshells. And the relationship then becomes imbalanced. Tbh, it already sounds imbalanced. I suspect he likes aggressive women who don’t give a damn about him and he’s not comfortable with a woman who cares for him and is invested in the relationship.

I really don’t know any more. I just feel so sick this evening. I want to text him but I’m trying to remember that if he wanted to hear from me he would be in touch. The balls in his court. Why is it so hard having dignity when all you want to do is contact the person? I feel like such a mess tonight, but we can’t carry on like this, except actually now I wish we could. Even the uncertainty would be better than feeling like this.

I think you are doing the right thing, hard though it is. You’ve given him the space and time to think - very brave of you. I hope it works out for you, OP.

Take a massive step back to just dating for a while?

We have just got off the phone. He says he loves me, but he feels sick when we argue like this and he can’t risk feeling like this if it happens again. I said I hate it too, but the difference between us was that I wanted us to be okay and I wanted to try and fix things between us. He doesn’t agree.

I feel so sick, like the bottom has dropped out my world. I feel so horribly guilty for all our kids, and mostly like this is such a massive fucking waste. I Can’t work out if he is self sabotaging us, or self protecting or just doesn’t care enough.

I guess it’s irrelevant as I can’t change his mind. I know I will be okay, I know that I can do this, but god it hurts and I miss him so bloody much already. I feel so sad for our kids. I feel sad for him, he’s cut himself off from everyone already and I liked making him happy. I wish I had a time machine :(

For what it’s worth I think you have done the right thing - much as his reaction is not what you wanted, but you cannot control that. It sounds like he has a lot on his plate emotionally at the moment. Maybe when the dust settles he will think more clearly and change his mind. But don’t wait, get on with your life and if he does return into it, then it’s a bonus.

It isn't your job to make him happy.If he is defensive and blows up over a comment then its not healthy.
He seems to be saying, don't question me.

I think its him...not you but you seem way too keen to please him.

I think he’s struggling with the divorce

Whatever the circumstances, it’s very difficult to face the end of your marriage

I’d give him time, back right off, prepare your head that it might be the end and get on with the business of forming a lasting loving relationship with yourself!

You’re not in the wrong, he is, it may change, it may not, but you are the most important person in all this

Make sure you remember this.

Sounds like it was all too much, too soon, and you both dived in where you should have taken it slower. Too much drama and angst, too much arguing so early in. He sounds a bit of a powder keg/drama llama.

Take time out for yourself. Take things slower next time.

I agree about him struggling with the divorce, it was his wedding anniversary and he had to goto the place he got married for an event this week which I think hasn’t helped.

I also agree that I need to make this more about me, I’m bending over backwards trying to please him / make this better, and he has just retreated. He’s blaming me for starting the arguments, but honestly - they are coming out of such innocuous comments. I’m not blameless, I’m needy and a pain in the arse, but I’m also walking on egg shells.

I just wish it didn’t have to be this way. He texted me this morning to say he hadnt slept, but we haven’t spoken since. I’m trying to keep my distance but it’s killing me.

Thank you for all listening to me, I was single 6 years before him and brought my son up alone. I am strong, I usually have my shit together, but this hurts and I feel physically sick at the moment. I just want time to pass so I start feeling more normal again.

I could be inferring things from what isn’t there but if you’ve been together a year, he’s cut himself off from everyone and he’s still mid-divorce, were you the OW? If so, that might explain him blaming some of his low mood about kids/divorce etc on you. He’s not going to want to blame himself.

Either way, you did the right thing. You deserve someone who is committed to you and not half-in.

He's being really unreasonable here and I hope you realise that. Following your example you both agreed to do something, he fell back asleep (not a crime but not helpful when you're supposed to be going out) you ask him to get up and tell him you're all being kept waiting and his answer, instead of saying sorry and rushing to get ready, is to turn it into an argument and threaten to leave you!

His fault is turned around into your issue! You are left walking in eggshells trying not to provoke him going off at you so inevitably you will back off from asking him thing that you think might trigger him to react like this!

I think you have actually had a fairly lucky escape tbh as it's early days in your relationship and he's already made it all about him! Basically telling you 'don't question me or else I'll leave'.

God no. Did not the other woman - he was separated 10 months before we got together, but he was married 15 years and she left him for another man so it’s been painful for him. They had a very lavish / infamous lifestyle together, he has had to reinvent his life again I guess and that’s been hard for him.

redas I feel like that to a degree, I said to him I felt that things were all about him and he got really upset and asked for examples which I couldn’t give. In return though, he feels that he has no control over his life. He also says he feels like he’s walking on eggshells with me as he does something he perceives as innocent (sleeping in the other week!) and then doesn’t like it when I get fed up.

I know this sounds like a doomed relationship, but when we are good we are SO good. There’s little drama usually, we just rub along together and have a lovely time. We do spend far too much time together though, it’s intense. I don’t know how to un-do that part. Someone said take a step back, and I’ve tried before, but we slip back into old patterns.

def not the other woman not did not ^ sorry!

The relationship sounded dysfunctional from the start and both of you appear to have slept walked into the dysfunction. Your relationship simply was too much too soon. I find it interesting that you acknowledge that everything happened too quickly but yet only contemplated slowing it down as a counter to him ending your relationship. This and your assertion that you 'wanted to make him happy' suggests to me that you had more invested in maintaining the intensity then he did.

I think he has done the right thing by ending the relationship because there was a relationship dynamic that was impacting his mh negatively.

As much as it hurts and I'm sorry you are hurting but love doesn't conquer all and I think you have a harder time accepting it than he did.

It sounds to me like he's struggling really badly with depression.
If he had a famous ex, which came with money and a luxury lifestyle, he's having a very big reality check now that he has to work hard, and for mediocre gains at best.
Not to suggest you are mediocre as a partner, but a lifestyle like that is hard to lose and not resent the change, especially if he was a bit of a celebrity by association.
The anniversary looming, and needing to go to the wedding venue, especially at this time, are both going to be a major triggers.

It's shit, but it sounds like he maybe threw himself in to a new relationship to try to fix how he was feeling and it hasn't worked.
Now he's got all these triggers, the arguing and feeling your relationship is going south and the reminder of that happening in his marriage, the anniversary date, the divorce, having to try harder, work.

The best thing you can give him right now is space and time. I know that hurts, believe me i've been where you are, taken the stand you took, and the relationship ended. Supposedly temporarily, but i got strung along for almost 3 years, ever decreasing contact, less interest but still "i love you"'s, implied promises, until new years day this year when i voiced concerns about how things were going on how i was feeling and i've had radio silence ever sinc,e even after a half hour later follow up of exactly how it would make me feel and tear me apart if he went ahead with that as his reaction.

Would not be the first time I have heard of a man breaking up with a transitional type girlfriend when the divorce is finalized. Even though you weren't the OW, you still fit into a transitional limbo role for him. He's finding excuses to blame you for the impending break-up which is uncool.

@exhaustedpigeon12 the demand for you to tell him when he's manipulated an argument is quite usual for someone who does this sort of behaviour, it's usually quite subtle and you can have lost sight of the original comment by the time you get to the end of the argument so difficult to produce evidence. Also, mirroring things that you've said back to you ie you say you feel like you're walking on eggshells so he claims you make him feel like that too. The only way to do it is to sit down after an incident and think about exactly what started the argument and write it down in as much details possible. Then you can see exactly what happened.