Husband’s idea of sexy my idea of uncomfortable

[Rapunzel26]

Something my STBXH did s couple of times which I felt uncomfortable about- can I have your opinion?

When I met my husband I had low self esteem and our relationship was very casual. He would constantly want to sext ( except when he was not replying for a few days) andcrequested lots of intimate pictures all the time of me. I always responded even though I k ew it wasn’t great. Please don’t flame me I wasn’t in s good place.

Since being married I have never felt truly connected with him during sex even though he is very good at it and can never orgasm so I faked it. he never really looked into my eyes and it always felt about getting rocks off not connecting.

Often after arguments he would suggest sex. I remember one time we’d argued badly and he went for a walk and then texted me “ wanna sick my cock?”, I was upset but he said he was just trying to be naughty and thought I’d like it.

After my first baby- about 8/9
Months after his birth we were on the way home from our first evening out together As our baby was a very needy child and he decided to start putting his hand in my knickers in the cab on the way home with the cab driver probably able to see. He just carried on talking to the driver whilst he did this. I told him to stop as I felt really uncomfortable. Again he said he thought I’d like it and he was being naughty.

We are know separating. We haven’t had sex in 6 months and that was a rare occasion over several years . This kind of sexual behaviour put me off him but maybe it’s just normal bloke getting it wrong stuff. What do
You think? Am I prudish to have felt weird?

I think it doesn't really matter if you are prudish or if his sexual tastes are weird. The point is that you are sexually incompatible. You don't want the same things sexually and that is fine, as long as no-one forces anyone else into something they don't want to do. Your options are either to come to a compromise which satisfies both of your needs or to split up and move on, which it sounds like you are doing. However don't let him make you feel that there is something wrong with you in any way for not responding to what he wants sexually, but neither should you try to make him feel there's anything wrong with him. Different strokes for different folks.

By whose opinion is he "very good at sex"?

The texting sexual things after arguments seems to me to have been to upset you, tbh, with plausible deniability built in. (Like my ex sent me dick pics after we split and that wasn't about reconciliation, that was about something else).

That you didn't feel able to slap his hand away or tell him to stop is a bit of a concern.

I don't know, seems like you've gone along with things you didn't like because of low self esteem and him being domineering? Maybe need to build up yourself so you feel confident of your boundaries?

If you feel uncomfortable then it's not right, whatever other people do in other relationships. And I would suggest never faking it, be honest straight from the start and say you adore sex whether or not you orgasm and orgasms are icing on the cake - doesn't knock your partners confidence and is honest. I don't give blowjobs ever anymore, I don't like it and my husband would rather we did something that excites us both. He also wouldn't dream of disrespecting me in front of others it's not 'naughty' feeling the need to mark his territory by pawing at you. He is my third husband though - it took a while for me to find him!! Good luck in your next relationship.

My lovely - there is no such thing as "prudish", only things which turns you on and which you like and things which don't turn you on and make you uncomfortable. Never let anyone tell you that because something they do falls into the latter category, there's something wrong with you.

Quite apart from that, assuming you'd want to have sex with him after he'd been horrible to you is a dick move; and whilst there's nothing wrong with the taxi scenario if it's something that gets you off, his response when you told him it didn't should have been an apology, not persistence in trying to convince you it's "normal".

I don't think anything he did sounded particularly serious. You didn't like the same stuff sexually and you're splitting now.

And YY to posters who've said you're sexually incompatible and it sounds like you don't talk/communicate well if he's no idea that you fake orgasms and would like more "connected" sex. He doesn't sound like a particularly nice man anyway - but leaving that aside, there's nothing wrong with him wanting the type of sex he does and nothing wrong with you wanting the type of sex you do. What's wrong is him trying to make you feel as if the problem is you.

I don't think anything he did sounded particularly serious. You didn't like the same stuff sexually and you're splitting now.I

I agree with this.

He sounds like a bit of a pest, to be honest. I had a boyfriend like this years ago - nothing serious, no force or anything involved, but just constant low-level pestering and inappropriate groping. It was definitely a factor in us breaking up.

I personally feel it goes beyond being sexually incompatible once they know you don't like it - and frankly, I don't think I should be hissing at a 30 year old to take his hand out of my top in the middle of the street.

He’s not “very good at sex” if he wasn’t bothered about you not orgasming all these years!

Well done for getting away from a very unsexy pest.

i don’t think he was good at sex. You never came with him? Sounds bloody miserable.

He sounds like a twat. I've known a few men like this and it always killed my attraction stone dead. Just reading your post made me cringe. Sounds like it's for the best that you're separating. I strongly suggest you focus on staying single for a while, building your self esteem and working out where you want your boundaries to be before dating again.

And, as everyone else said, never making you orgasm means he is not good at sex. He may be good at putting on a bunch of theatrics - weird positions and whatnot - but that doesn't make him good at sex.

I think I don’t much like sex because I haven’t been very well treated and have always lacked the sense of connection. I say he’s good because he seems to be doing everything he should and could to make me orgasm but I am never relaxed enough to. I felt like the sexting after arguments was a way of undermining me in some way? I now look back at the demands for sexts early in our relationship as a means of control in a way ( of my time, telling me what he wanted etc) coupled with lack of commitment I wanted and not responding sometimes to texts etc. Do you think I’m reading too much into it?

He sounds awful.
He doesn't sound like he's good at sex.

There's nothing wrong with you op. As pps have said , he is a pest and that's why he doesn't do it for you. Grabbing at you in a cab? That's shitty behaviour. He seems like the type to call you 'frigid' to not giving into his demands constantly.

Once you're away from him and you work on your boundaries a little you'll realise that he was at fault here , and that if you choose to have a sexual relationship again it should be on your terms and within your comfort zone. I speak from experience , take some time out and you'll be fine.

If he was very good at sex he would make you orgasm each and every time.

And no I don’t think you are looking into it too much, he sounds very disrespectful.

You can be technically skilled at sex and still be an atrocious lover, he is certainly the latter! Being a good lover is about reading your partner, not just responding to their verbal reactions but their physical ones, if he's not connecting then he's NOT being a good lover to you.

You are not being prudish (I loathe that description), maybe he was 'just' getting it wrong...but that's immaterial if he didn't respond well when you indicated you were not happy.

He didn't do anything awful; neither did you.

Did he ever grasp that, although you did it in the beginning, you didn't like the sexting? Or that you faked it? If he carried on after knowing, it's odder - but otherwise; I wouldn't over analyse it.

It sounds like the right thing to be splitting; you've always been sexually incompatible. You'll find things are likely to be much easier with a man who you're compatible with .

It sounds like you are sexually incompatable. It's not about being prudish or anything. People have different desires. Some people want more tender 'love making' sex more, others are driven by a more animalistic fuck (for lack of a better expression), some like both depending on the mood, some like it vanilla, some have kinks. Some people find sex after an argument restores a connection, others may feel insulted. Some love sending sexy messages and pictures, others thinm that is hellish. Everyone is different and that's ok.

We do (in my opinion) need to cut him some slack for OP not orgasming though. If she's faking it then that gives him a green light that doing what he's doing is working.

As pp have said, I think being good at sex is about reading your partner's emotions as well as other stuff. Either your ex couldn't read your emotions, couldn't be bothered to try or didn't care what you were feeling. That would be a deal breaker for me. My dh sometimes mis-reads me, but is happy enough to be corrected!

On mn it’s often said it’s sexual incompatabilty, but I doubt many experienced women would be queuing up to be with someone this inept and without empathy.

You can be technically skilled at sex and still be an atrocious lover, he is certainly the latter! Being a good lover is about reading your partner, not just responding to their verbal reactions but their physical ones, if he's not connecting then he's NOT being a good lover to you

Indeed, sex is not a solo performance. He's total insensitivity to what turns you on or off, means that he is useless at sex, IMHO.

If you can't relax, don't feel safe saying no, don't feel a connection, aren't enjoying yourself, someone who is determined to stick their dick in you regardless is not 'good at sex'.

He sounds like a creepy, coercive piece of shit and you're well shot of him.

(ALSO it is extremely gross to involve a fucking random man in your sex life by touching you while in full view of a taxi driver. Neither you NOR the taxi driver consented.)

You are not weird or prudish for not liking coercive sexts, being groped in public, or bad eye-contactless sex.

If what he was doing wasn't working then really it was your responsibility to tell/show him what does work. Lots of women are ashamed of asking for what they want in bed as society tells us it's 'slutty' to be too sexual. Faking orgasms for a mans benefit is totally shooting yourself in the foot!

If it was more you didn't feel able it to tell him as you didn't feel comfortable, is that because you couldn't relax with him or do you feel that way around sex generally?

I don't think what he's done is that bad either, the taxi thing I think I'd actually find it quite hot if my partner did but each to their own!

You just don't really sound sexually compatible so it's right that you're splitting.

He sounds like a c*nt.

You sound like someone who has been abused for a long time.The 'suck my c*ck' after upsetting you makes me feel a bit sick to be honest. What a horrible man. Well done you for escaping.

HTH