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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feeling like our marriage has been a lie

12 replies

Gingerninj · 01/06/2018 22:39

I'm not really sure who else to turn to about this. Earlier we were out for lunch with the kids, I looked over and he was on his phone, he was acting like he didn't want me to see what he was doing, I don't think he realised I was looking anyway. I saw a text "see you tomorrow, love you x" he was apparently going on a work trip for the weekend tomorrow (nothing unusual). I tried to act normal throughout lunch but i couldn't stop thinking about it. Later on DS was at nanny's house, oldest DD was at swimming and youngest DD was having a nap so i decided to talk to him about it. He immediately became nervous, started making up excuses. I told him i just wanted the truth and eventually i got it, he'd been seeing another women since october last year. We only got married March 2017, though we'd been together for years before that. He gives me flowers with notes whenever I'm stressed or a bit down. He's understanding, loving, sweet...or maybe just a really good liar or perhaps I've been stupidly blind this whole time. I'm not even sure where we go from here, whether i can trust him or look at him in the same way or if we're better off going our separate ways.

OP posts:
pallisers · 01/06/2018 22:42

Oh OP, I'm so sorry. I'm afraid your marriage has been a lie - his lie - since last October. He has a girlfriend. How could you trust him? How can you look at him the same way?

Could you tell someone in real life? Get him to leave for a couple of days while you come to terms with it. I think you are in shock right now.

Jimwenttothedarklands · 01/06/2018 22:46

I'm sorry.
I have no advice but don't try yo make any big decisions while it's still sinking in.
Whatever you decide to do, you will get througg this.
X

Cambionome · 01/06/2018 22:51

What do you want to happen, op?

FireInTheMole · 01/06/2018 22:55

I'd find it hard to move on from this.

Paperdoll16 · 01/06/2018 23:00

Ergh, just the worst OP. So sorry Thanks

I find it more callous and calculating with the whole being loving, sweet, understanding etc but have OW in the wings! Hmm

Is he still going away?

What a shock for you. You need to talk to people in RL (as well as here) as I don't think this was just a blip.

SandyY2K · 01/06/2018 23:35

Cheating within months of marriage. Are you sure he wasn't cheating before marriage? I'd want an annulment.

P0ppyyell0w · 02/06/2018 10:02

Why did he get married ? He may give you flowers and notes, but if he is cheating on you he has no respect for you. Send him away to his girl friend. I assume if he works away, that he has opportunity to be with someone else.

Gingerninj · 02/06/2018 10:31

He stormed out yesterday afternoon and i haven't heard from him since, he could be with her for all i know. Right now it looks like this is it for us

OP posts:
RainySeptember · 02/06/2018 11:01

So six months after getting married he started an affair? That's horrible. Please call it a day and let him face the consequences of his choices. I doubt their fledgling romance will survive the fallout of everyone knowing and being forced into everyday life drudgery much sooner than they ever expected. He expects you to want him back, he expects to be the one with choices, please surprise him by removing yourself as an option.

DuchessofManchester · 02/06/2018 13:43

I'm so sorry OP. Do you have anyone who can stay with you this weekend and help with the kids? Be kind to yourself and try and figure out what you want...but beware of hysterical bonding and doing the 'pick me dance'. Flowers

Notthatwomanagain · 02/06/2018 13:48

So he is the wrong one but he storms out and leaves you to manage kids and home

Says it all to me

Sorry OP. So sorry
You have done nothing wrong but your Husband has lied and cheated for a significant length of time and you are only aware of this as you caught him out.

This wasn’t a brief much regretted one off.
This was a calculated planned affair with someone he apparently loves.

You cannot just go back from this
Tell him he is a father and he has responsibilities
Be brave
Get help- both professional and social from family and friends

Do not be ashamed. This is his shame NOT yours
Make sure you are financially sound.

I’m so so sorry.

Zaphodsotherhead · 02/06/2018 13:53

I echo what Notthat says and would add - tell everyone. Tell your family, his family, friends. DO NOT keep it a secret - it's his shame, him that should be embarrassed and not able to look anyone in the face, not you. Even if he comes back and promises it's over and it's only you he loves (etc etc) don't keep it quiet for his sake.

Blow his sordid behaviour out into the open. People won't pity you, they will envy your strength.

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