My brother has become violent like my dad - it's horrible

[hellobello]

It's bringing back just how horrific it is to be beaten up all the time. When I was small, there was no-one to talk to and I grew up with all sorts of problems and I find it very difficult to feel worth anything (financially). My dad was and possiblly still is a wife beater and he was a child beater too. My brother is a carbon copy. My mum cannot accept how difficult I find this. It is as though the whole family are closing ranks to make sure that the cycle of violence and brutality continues. It makes me feel worthless and stupid, and above all, terrified. I don't know who to talk to, and I'm really hoping there may be someone here who has experienced something similar. It's bloody lonely.

I haven't but perhaps you need to sever contact.
Self preservation and that of your dc's. Have you your own family unit now with DP/DH and dc's for support??

I'm so sorry you feel like this and have had to go through this. Women's Aid could be a good starting point.I know that wat you describe about the closing of ranks is very, very common - esp. with sexual abuse too.

Family and our idea of family is very very important to us as humans and anything that threatens that can be almost unbearable to acknowledge. The idea seems more painful than the violent abuse. The reality is of course that it is better to expose these family secrets so that the cycle ends but it takes courage to get to the other side and see this.

You've obviously had the courage to take along look at what is going on in your family and now have a desire to prevent it happening again but others may not be as brave. For this reason, support may be the only thing you can offer - most of all to the victims, but not at the expense of your own health and well being.

Take care.

Has your brother got children of his own, or who is he beating???

We were visiting my brother last week, and his wife told me something he said to their ds, I looked at him and informed him he was just like our dad, not that dad was violent, but he sometimes could be cruel with his tounge.

bro was shocked and annoyed at me saying he was like dad, maybe if you said something to your bro???

He and his wife fight and all her children join in. They have a one-year-old. If he turns out more like my father, he will batter his child. They are a strange family, and seem to have odd values. His wife is pg again, which, under the circs seems remarkably careless. I had to break away because I became very very ill with eating probs and severe depression. I still drink a bit too much, but it's not that bad. I don't use alcohol to cheer me up because it doesn't work!

Sounds like you need to get your family professional help. I dont mean calling in the social workers (though a time may cme for that if the children are being put at risk), but your SIL needs to talk to someone as if he is beating her her new baby is at risk, not to mention a defenceless one year old.

I wouldnt know where to start - Women's Aid sound like a good bet, could you contact them and find out what the options are, or to get her a number to call if she wants to talk? She soulnds like she is disturbed as well from what you say, but I dont think I could sit back adn do nothing knowing children are at potential risk.

You need to look after yourself too - this is very upsetting for you adn your mothers denial of the situation must be making it harder. Could you talk to Women's Aid yourself about where you could get help to deal with the trauma ? Maybe you could ask your GP for counselling, though it can take a while for a place to come up. Sounds liek your Mum is in real denial whcih is common - she probably feels so guilty for not protecting you that she doesnt know what to do.

I'm sorry I'm not much help, its not something I've ever experienced, and I actually clicked on your thread by mistake! But I couldnt not post once I had read it. Take care ((( )))

yes, Ive experienced something similar. ITs heartbreaking to see the way our parents have literally "damaged" our once-lovely, heart of gold brothers isnT it.
My mum and dad were very violent, but not towards each other really, only towards us kids (theyre divorced now, thank god) I really want to help my brothers one day, but I know I cant do that until I help myself. THere is no way you can do anything to sort out your brothers until you have your own life under control, and are feeling happy in your life. THis might be a great job (financial security), or a great family or whatever it is that makes you happy and feel a sense of self-worth. THen it may be time to start thinking about helping your family. THis is the strategy Ive taken. ALcohol plays a big role in my brothers life. It really breaks my heart, but I have DD and she deserves all my energy at the moment.

its very common for children who have been physically abused in this way to go on to abuse themsleves in adulthood. sadly what your father put you both through has had an effect on your db mentally as well as physically.

he really needs to access some help for himself.

the hardest step to take is the one that comes first, admiting you have a problem. your db will need to realise what he is doing is wrong and to make an effort to change. he can spoeak to his gP and he could get referred to a therapist or anger managment programme.

i think you too need some talking therapies to overcome the trauma you have experianced

I've been in therapy of one sort or another for nearly 25 years being treated for one neurosis or another, and a few more serious things. Fortunately (for me, I guess) I've never been carted off by the men in white coats. I really appreciate your support on here - At the moment I am so shocked that the whole thing is cranking up again - it is simply terrifying, and it is the first time I have had to face how ghastly the whole thing is since I was very little. I do not want to be reminded of how bloody horrible it is to be beaten up and otherwise ignored by your parents, and then be told by them that we are ungrateful brats after all they have done for us. It makes my head spin!

I have spoken to my brother about our childhood. He dismisses me totally. His wife takes no notice and says she needs no help. He too refuses help. Those poor poor children.

both my sister (who is 4 years older than me) suffered mental and physical abuse from our mother.
you have to do what you have to do to take care of you and your family NOW, your children. and maybe if you can, seek counselling to help deal with it. (no shame in that at all!) if thats not an option because of finances, etc. maybe talk to your GP, or HV about your feelings.
you are not worthless.
you are not stupid.

and i hope you know that. deep down. x

I had it all too - there was never discussion just raised voices and violence - now I have cut them off completely and let them get on with their little warped world and my life is I have to say a million times happier!!

I think that all this has come to a head because of recent events and because of my dd's wellcome to the world party. I have felt completely worthless and worse for such a long time - forever, I think. Just every now and again, I start to feel something else, which is prob due to a lot of help!

hellobello> its just an idea, but its something that has helped me thru my roughest times- - i've kept a journal of things that make me happy or smile or that i'm thankful for. and i write in it when i can or think about it (every few days usually.) even if its a small notebook in your handbag...sometimes being able to look back when you are really low and see other things that make you smile helps. and also making note of things you have done and accomplished, even if its something you think is small. it's not!

That is SUCH a good idea! I have been told to do the same but haven't got round to it. I'm always telling dh to keep a little book. My old sketchbooks look like an overly long suicide note which is a bit scary. Don't know what to do with them. I will try a notebook for good things, then if I do, then perhaps dh will too.

Really good idea, americantrish. Ive started doing something similar after reading a book called "The ARtists Way" by Julia Cameron.
There is a thread "my mother has cut me out of her life" down below, and there are a few of us who use it as a therapy thread. It really works. Have a read of that, although it may take a few days (its long). You might find it cathartic, and it might help you. We are talking at the moment about how we feel stupid and worthless, unlovable and all of this. WE`Re thinking of ways that we can build up our self-esteem. Maybe you could post your story on there, and feel better after getting it all out.

definitely give it a go, hellobello it takes some time to get used to and in the habit of writing it. i've kept mine since april 2006 and love it setting an example for your dh is a good idea too! if he sees you doing it, he may want to also! (hopefully!!)

thanks sakura i got the idea from an online community i belong to on livejournal thanks for the tip about the thread too, i'll give it a look when ds is napping! (:

I've been to the shop and bought a tiny weeny little book that will fit in my pocket. I shall try and write good things in it!

have fun with it... i'm glad you got a notebook to carry with you