Recalibrating my "type"; how to spot a decent man?

[Daysinthesun]

I've never had a relationship that made me happier than it hurt me. This was due to having a poor relationship template from my parents, who are themselves the product of dysfunctional partnerships. I also had very low self esteem, compounded by spending so much time with abusive men. I also suffer from depression and have had severe episodes requiring hospitalisation.

I'm 30 next year and moving into a new stage in my life. I'll have qualified as a doctor soon and am proud of how far I've come. Over the past few years, I've done a lot of work on myself in conjunction with counsellors.

I had a false start last year while dating, and ended up seeing a manipulative man who cheated on me. I didn't notice the signs. He was clever.

I know I see the best in others and my kindness can make me vulnerable. I'm older, but still have a naive streak that comes from my inherently gentle temperament. I find it very hard to express anger, as I find it fizzles out quite quickly.

I'm starting to get a sense of what I would like in terms of a companion. I have a good set of friends, but would like an intimate relationship as well.

I have a friend I've spent time with recently. Everyone that knows him says he's a lovely person. He's kind, intelligent and makes me laugh so much. After I've spent time with him, I don't feel anxious; I feel light and happy. Before now, I've always gone for the "bad boy" or someone wounded that I felt I needed to save. But he doesn't try to take anything from me... he just is himself, supportive and sweet to me.

I'm wondering if something has clicked and I'm on a better path now. Has anyone experienced this? Even if nothing happens with this person, at least I might be heading in the right direction.

But I'd like to know the warning signs so I don't ignore them. I've become acclimitised to so much bad behaviour that I know historically I've excused things I shouldn't.

I can't ask my mother about this, so was wondering if you might help me.

I want to spend time with someone who is like my friend. Someone who will be kind to me and not make fun of me. Someone who won't degrade me sexually or force me into doing things I don't want him to. Someone reliable who won't stand me up and let me down. A man who isn't an addict and won't hit me in anger. I don't want a burning passionate love, but a hand to hold on a walk in the countryside and someone to cuddle at night. Love that is built on friendship and makes me feel safe.

But there's men who pretend to be that way and then reveal their true colours. How can I guard against them?

I read a David Foster Wallace quote that "a deep need for anything makes us easy pickings", and I think that's where I fell down in the past.

I hope this made sense and wasn't a disjointed stream of consciousness. Thank you for any help; I feel a bit of a need for parental guidance and know my own parents cannot give it.

Well done on working so hard on yourself and admitting all those things.

I think don't open up about your vulnerabilities too soon when dating

Looks do come in to play often and I do agree some men are threatened by intelligent women. These aren't the men for you in fact these are the men that don't deserve a partner.

I have been married for almost twenty years and met DH when I was around your age. I was truly not bothered about settling down at all. I found men tiresome because when you have a partner you have to consider them which means they infringe on your plans. The weird thing was it made men pursue me. DH was actually my friend first. I wrote that because of your phrase about the deep need making people easy pickings. I had pretty much no need so was the opposite of easy pickings.

This is so true!.

Everything being said about watching how he behaves around his family,friends. What he says to his male friends about women (if you can find this out). How he treats the oher women in his life

If you date online it's generally best to meet them ASAP anyway, and I agree, you don't really know a guy you meet in the pub, or even your pal's husband's work colleague etc.Anyone takes a while to get to know. My thing nowadays is do they listen well, and do they accept me as I am. I had years of men adoring me and then starting to say "you'd be perfect if only you would change. .."
That has to go both ways though. Pick someone whose bad habits you can live with because you won't change them and nor should you try.

I've always gone for a specific type and over the years it's got me nowhere. Wish I could turn the clock back and broaden my choices.
You just never know how you can click with someone that isn't ordinarily your type.
Good luck in your career too