Is he gaslighting me?

[Footballmumofthefuture]

Background
With DF 10 years and 4 children. 2 together and 2 from a previous relationship.

He is abusive no question and I am getting things together to leave him. The house is in my name and he won't go queitly because he has nowhere else to go. Nobody yet knows about my situation. But I'm saving a small amount to ltb and get my situation set.

Abuse has once or twice been physical. He's grabbed me and I have defended myself pushing to get him off. Which then resulted in him slapping me and blaming me saying it was because I pushed him.

I did call the police on that occasion and he hasn't done it since 2 years later.

He name calls, manipulates, grinds and I think gaslights me.

He is awfully strick with my older two and they literally can't go upstairs without having to ask. God forbid they try and explain why they need to do something. In his eyes they are answering back and need punishment. These arguements are everyday lasting hours.

I can't tell you how exhausted and weak I feel.

He was never like this at the start. But eventually it came out full force and it shows now because all his family and friends relationships have broken down.

On to question and I need to know because there has been so many other converstations like this.

A few year ago he got a big pay out and bought small bits for the family including a 150 quid cooker. The rest he gambled and spent. He has had big loans he is paying back ect. For the first 3 years of living together he contributed nothing to bills, food ect. He only every so often showed off with a gift or day out. I finally got the guts to tell him he was out of order and realised how badly he had treated me and the kids. I told him the cooker wouldn't last because it was a cheap one and not meant for a big family. He just called me ungreatful and spoiled and I should buy my own. Which I couldn't because my money was all tied up providing for all the family. he had thousands that could have helped so much for things we needed. It was then I told him he needed to contribute fairly or leave because I couldn't afford to keep him.

Fast forward today.
I'm cleaning and he has done the kids pizza reluctantly I might add.

Him: Since I cleaned this cooker it's working perfectly. You're clearly just lazy and an ungreatful bitch.

Me: ignored the comment.

Him: why are you in a mood with me and ignoring me, what have I done this morning?
Me: You were name calling.
Him: Yeah because you was acting ungreatful about the cooker.
Me: I've said nothing this morning about the cooker.
Him: I'm talking about what was said 10 minutes ago.
Me: so was I.
Him: You said this morning stop lying.
Me: That's not the point I'm making, you was name calling so I don't want to talk to you.
Him: Look now you are lying and can't admit you are wrong.

I Walk away deflated. The convo was longer but that was the top and bottom of how it went and I feel gaslighted regularly. I've noticed he does it when talking to others about converstations we have had too.
I just need to know it is so I can lay that part to rest.

Oh and a hand hold while I get things together to leave.

If no such conversation took place around the cooker this morning, and he is 'using' a historic comment to justify his vile comments today, he is gaslighting

I have seen an escalation in my abuseive relationship within the last two years and gas lighting is his last resort to regain and control, what you have described are the lowlevel gaslighting the man I'm trapped with uses every day

I'm trying to navigate a great escape myself and joined here today in hope I would find somebody who could relate to my own situation as it makes you feel crazy

That's the idea though, to make you doubt your own reality, memory and mind, write it down as it happens so he can't rely and lie when you read it back trying to figure out what did and didn't actually happen

Here if you want to talk

I'm still a bit confused as to why you can't get him out?
Are you married?
Where he goes is not your issue.
If you want him gone then go about doing it.
This is YOUR house and you don't want him in it anymore.
Have a chat with Womens Aid and find out the best way to go about it.
If he wasn't violent at all then I would suggest changing the locks when he is out and putting his shit in the front garden.
But you need to do this safely.

And yes, that is gaslighting.
Your DC will breathe such a sigh of relief when this asshole is out of their lives.
I can't believe he dictates to your DC in YOUR house.
Fuck that.
Do what you can to get him out.
And injunction or something similar is what you need.

I'm glad you are making plans to escape.
But please try to do it sooner rather than later.

Are you married or not? Do not leave the house, get him to leave, calling the police if you have to (the fact that they had to come out to you 2 years ago will go in your favour).

If you leave him in the house, you'll have a hell of a job to get him to leave, and will probably have to go through court.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid for advice?

I've quite literally forgotten who I am. To the point I dread looking in the mirror.

There was no converstaion about the cooker. He makes remarks like this all the time. Sometimes nasty and sometimes intended to sound like a joke. I try and ignore and this is the result.

The being in a mood all morning is probably true although I aren't actually in a mood with him. I'm just completely miserable. I can't wait untill I'm untied to this horrible man.

Emotionless is probably a better word. I don't even cry anymore. I'm looking forward to finding myself again.

Here to talk too

If it's your house then get rid of him, are the kids his kids too?

If you are worried about asking him to leave (like if he might get violent) maybe ask the police for advice on how to safely get rid of him ,

Don't put up with living with him,

No I haven't spoke to womens aid because atm he is always around.
He will be leaving because we aren't married and the house is council but in my name. I have a good job and childcare and I'm in the middle of passing my driving. I'm nearly there and want that under my belt.
I've decided to start saving money aside too. Bit by bit.
Enough to tied us over with essentials untill I transfer tax credits ect.

He is off work "sick" atm and this happens every time I ask him to leave. Its so he doesn't have to leave my side and I won't change the locks. He is however now on the council tax ect. So he can prove he has lived here.

I am abit surprised he hasn't lost his job yet.

I aren't aloud to touch anything that belongs to him so packing his stuff won't go down well.

The lightbulb moment happened a few weeks ago.

We was out shopping and me and the kids wanted to go in a couple of shops. My daughter 11 had some birthday money she wanted to spend. But he was dictating what she could and couldn't buy. He told her what she needed to buy and it made her and me unhappy. So i decided to ignore him and say "well I'm just going to take her shopping in here and see what there is."

He made a massive sigh and said "You just do what you want and don't give a fuck about me!"

So I started walking the children away from his explosion. Youngest in the pram.

He shouted "You stupid cow! Taking my children away from me!" While following us.
A guy looked at him and then me with disgust.
When he got to me, he said "That arsehole dare not say boo to me or I'll tell him what for too. I told you nobody bothers me, I won't be made to be a mug by anyone."

I clicked and realised what I needed to do.

2 kids are mine and 2 are his. One of mine calls him dad and for some reason I'll never know why. They wouldn't want him to leave. Or they think they won't. Probably because he gaslights us all.

He also said that moment was my fault because I was ignoring his feelings on things.
That is gaslighting too isn't it?

I aren't aloud to touch anything that belongs to him so packing his stuff won't go down well
Who gives a flying fuck!?
You want his stuff and him out so you are going to have to 'touch his stuff'
God this guy sounds like a complete and utter bullying asshole.
You need to find your anger.

Some of his behaviour is gas lighting and other bits are just abuse, i.e the passer by bit

He's coersion and controlling towards your children, does he treat the older two differently?

Gaslighting is like a slow drip, it breaks down you, your reality, your truth, self esteem ect and makes you really struggle with deciphering reality, like you end up questing everything and replaying situations to remember what happend, recording things really helped me but do this in secret, it will fuel him if he thinks your documenting any of his shit

Your in a bit if a good position with the house (I'm not that lucky) but it's equally difficult and you need to make a safe plan, if you can you should involve somebody else, or a trusted family or friend or a service, who can be there to support you when he finally leaves.

It's okay for people to advice this n that, but when your living with abuse in the form of gaslighting it's very hard to get through the day to day without becoming a confused mess, never mind trying to plan a safe exit

Main thing is, getting through the day to day with minimal
conflict, remembering who you
are and gatehring your strength,

Figure out what you really want and start to make a realistic plan, step by step , your not getting out tomorrow but by next year, your life could be completely different I'm happy for PM

He is awfully strick with my older two and they literally can't go upstairs without having to ask. God forbid they try and explain why they need to do something. In his eyes they are answering back and need punishment

Why are you waiting so long to get your children out of this abusive home. Every day he is in their lives he is damaging them, it's your job to put a stop to this.

He's not just abusing you, he is abusing four children as well.

You really need to do something to get rid of him as soon as possible. You have to protect your children.

I am doing something. I can't just say leave. Because he won't. I've tried that. I will be contacting WA next week when he is supposed to be going back to work. I know they will legally advise me in the safest way possible.

But I have to make sure everything is in order for the children.

When you are weak and ground down and questioning reality. Depressed and anxious and struggling to put one foot infront of each other. It's easy to say and not so easy to do.

But I am doing and he will be leaving.

He has made countless threats when I've asked him to leave that make me question everything. I need to talk to someone about those.

Keep safe

Firstly well done for taking steps to leave, I can promise you it will be the best thing you ever do for yourself and ultimately for your children!
It's very easy for us looking in saying to leave but a lot of time the situation is a lot more complex and I do understand it takes time.
However, if he's gaslighting you or not ( and I think he is) makes no difference. He's abusive to you and your kids and you know you need to leave. You don't need any more reasons or justifications to do so.

Glad that you have a job and childcare in place as well as your own council house.
Seems like half the battle.Good luck with the rest.
Stay strong.

If he's making threats then next week, after chatting to WA give the police a call on 101.
Ask for the DV team and report everything.

And totally agree. It's easy sitting behind a screen saying just kick him out but not so easy in your reality.
You will get there.
You sound strong.
Keep going!

Thank you guys it means alot to read all your support and I like the idea of having this thread to moan on. While being careful he doesn't get suspiscious. Although I have a lock on my phone.

I can't just nip upstairs and make a phone call. Looking after the kids too long would make him moan and become argumentative. Every so often he will entertain letting me out. But that's so others don't get suspicious. He will accuse and question though.

He rarely goes out. But that's probably because he doesn't have many mates, is boring and likes to control the house. I also think he is affaird the locks might change.

I love bedtime right now. He sleeps downstairs due to the youngest waking.
I'll sleep downstairs if I'm working the next day. But I do shift work so that's only twice a week. That time of the day I get to just breath without him. Watch crap and read.

People keep asking why I'm not going back to uni and working towards a higher salary. If only they knew I just don't have the strength right now. They'll never believe what's going on. They think he's great!

You're doing all the right things OP, having a safe, practical plan is worth its weight in gold when you're separating from an abuser so I can completely see why you're doing it this way. He is gaslighting you and he is abusive, to both you and DC and the sooner you're all away from him the better so keep going with your plan and come back here if you need extra support or to talk through WA's advice. Lots of posters on this board have been where you are now so don't be afraid to lean on us if it helps, I'm wishing you well and hope you're free of him really soon

You're going to be ok. You're going to have a bit of a freak out when he's gone and the kids will DEFINITELY freak out but that doesn't mean he should be here, it means they are decompressing.

In the meanwhile, act normal. If he explodes and physically lays a finger on you, call the police and inform them that he has hurt you, you want him charged, removed and you want referring to domestic violence services.

I'm really trying to act normal and it's so hard not to be completely angry with him and lose it. But I know that will fuel his temper and it will be WW3 untill the day ends.

After his gaslighting episode this morning and me not talking to him (while acting as polite as possible) he is now cooking spag bol. HE NEVER COOKS

I do believe he is scared I am going to chuck him out so he is doing the nice/nasty act round in circles. But I've been here before and it won't last long. Later he will call me a lazy bitch for doing nothing. I know how it ends.

But today I am so warn out. It made me question a little how I would cope without him. But then I realised I'd probably have a shed more energy without his abuse.

I can see a future without him. There are bits I'm scared of and question. But it's only because he has made me think I need him and because I haven't yet managed it all alone. Although I have managed worse as bad as that sounds.

I had major surgery 5 years ago. When I say major (think big) but that's a different kind of battle. I just know I have strength deep down.

You are stronger than you believe you are. It takes so much strength to stay with a man who's abusing you and actually stay sane and recognise what he's doing.
When you start redirecting that strength into leaving and healing and making a new life you won't even recognise the person you one were.
There is a future after this.