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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to cope with a workaholic dh and no kids

30 replies

goingmental · 31/05/2018 23:55

Dh is on a very high position in a well known global organisation. He complains about colleagues/ office politics but all he wants to do is work.
He is a workaholic, he admitted that he can't relax if he is not doing anything. He switches between he wants to retire soon (he is in early 40s ) to he is a ambitious person and would want to go up the corporate ladder. He is just a few levels below C level.
I feel very lonely and depressed. Before we were married, he was successful but wanted a balanced life. He has risen quite up in career since then. All he wants to talk about is work.
He wants to move to US (a very dull and isolated city/town) for his career to be in company's headquarter, has promised that in a couple of years we will move back to UK or go to Asia. I don't think it will happen considering how ambitious he is. I think its more like dangling carrots.
How do you cope with a workaholic husband? I have no supportive friends and family around.

OP posts:
dirtybadger · 31/05/2018 23:58

How old are you, and do you want kids? Very relevant to the timescale of advice people might give...

YoucancallmeVal · 01/06/2018 00:01

What do you do? If you are literally sitting round waiting for him to come home, then that is joyless. Do you have a career, hobbies?

AcrossthePond55 · 01/06/2018 00:01

I'm assuming you've already spoken to him of your feelings and he isn't interested in changing. If you haven't that should be your first move. TELL him how you feel calmly and directly.

Otherwise, you cope by finding your own interests and hobbies. And friends for a social life of your own. Or you leave and find someone who prizes home and togetherness as much as you do.

Do you want to have children? If so, remember that he will not change just because he's become a father, so don't get pregnant thinking it'll make a homebody of him. It won't.

Personally, I'd probably leave, especially if I wanted children.

Singlenotsingle · 01/06/2018 00:03

You develop a life and interests of your own.! Are you artistic? Can you paint? Presumably money isn't a problem so the world's your lobster isn't it? A friend of mine (retired) plays "Go" and has formed a club and now teaches. You could do some volunteering - hospitals, schools, charities etc all need volunteers, and you meet people and develop a social life.

Original poster
goingmental · 01/06/2018 01:59

Thanks everyone.

I am not working. I had to take a break from a decent career for family emergency. After that I tried doing a business, which failed. dh has also proved himself to be very temperamental and unreliable. I am quite depressed for last one year as my life has become very meaningless and I feel very unappreciated, criticised and judged by a very high performing dh.

Money is not a problem as such but dh is a little dominating and judgemental. So I am quite careful with the way I spend. I am 40. I wanted to have a family and still do to some extent. But I know it's too late now.

I have talked to dh. He agrees and says would like to change things but goes back to old ways. He gets upset on being reminded.

Yes, I like art but not very talented. I am also worried about being in same situation in a dull US town which will cause more isolation and depression. We live in a very nice, vibrant part of London.

I just want to know strategies to cope with the feelings of isolation, not having anyone who cares. I think I need to fill my day with activities so I have no time to think and feel lonely until I find a way to build back career. I think having a career again will make me feel confident and positive, and have confidence to talk and make new friends. But it's all easier said than done. I feel no motivation to do anything.

OP posts:
YoucancallmeVal · 01/06/2018 02:03

Why are you still with him?

NotTheFordType · 01/06/2018 02:59

I am not working. I had to take a break from a decent career for family emergency. After that I tried doing a business, which failed. dh has also proved himself to be very temperamental and unreliable. I am quite depressed for last one year as my life has become very meaningless and I feel very unappreciated, criticised and judged by a very high performing dh.

Is the career path you had before salveageable? And before just saying "no", please reach out to people still in that industry and ask them.

AgentJohnson · 01/06/2018 05:20

Why are you so determined to ‘make work’ a relationship that hasn’t worked for you in a very long time. You’re H doesn’t want the same things as you and surrendering so much power to him over your life and future is a choice, a not very good one.

Waiting around for your H to be someone different is futile, don’t waste more of your life hiding in an unfulfilling relationship. If you don’t start being proactive, you will let him railroad you into moving.

The time is now.

Fflamingo · 01/06/2018 05:47

Get some of your eggs frozen and then leave with a good divorce settlement or get pregnant then leave with a good divorce settlement. His life is his work not you or any baby you have. Stop faffing and wasting valuable time. Start thinking where you’d most like to live.

Pluckedpencil · 01/06/2018 05:56

Children brought meaning to my life, what has stopped you up to now? Can dh not find you a job in the org so you can at least make these international moves together?

Cawfee · 01/06/2018 05:59

It’s not too late at 40. Plenty of people have their 1st at that age. Money isn’t an issue obviously so you have options. These include leaving him and getting yourself to a good fertility clinic ASAP for IVF. Do it yourself. I have plenty of friends who have done this in a variety of different countries. Raising kids on their own and everybody’s perfectly happy. You could also do him a deal. Say you’ll consider going to the US if as soon as you get there it’s fertility clinic for a child. You could also leave him and start dating and find somebody more on your wave length. I guess it depends on if you love him anymore? But personally I wouldn’t wait around anymore at your age. You want kids. Go get them. It’s the 21st century not Victorian times so you don’t need a bloke to get what you want out of life.

Fflamingo · 01/06/2018 07:16

In the US you will be tied to him, visas and medical care . Not sure about whether you could take his child out of the country.

category12 · 01/06/2018 07:29

Don't go to the US. Let him go if he wants.

Short-term, do a short course or skills update training to give yourself a bit of confidence/CV boost, and start looking for work.

Long-term, you should divorce him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/06/2018 07:29

Can you not return to your previous career?.

Why are you and he together at all now, what is in this relationship still for you?.

Petitprince · 01/06/2018 08:04

It's not too late for children, particularly if you can find ivf, but I'd start asap. Nest thing I ever did.

Petitprince · 01/06/2018 08:05

*best

juneau · 01/06/2018 08:10

I can't see why you're still with him, particularly as you don't have DC, which is a reason why many people stay in unsatisfactory marriages.

Please OP leave this man - you marriage sounds utterly miserable. You have lost all sense of yourself, pride and ambition. There is no reason to stay. And FGS don't move to the US. You will be a trailing spouse with no right to work. At least in London you can get a job. And I advise you to do that. You sound depressed and lonely rattling around at home with no one to talk to. Whether you go back to your old job/career area or whether you try something new, get out of the house and start living your life again. What are you waiting for???

Kikidelivers · 01/06/2018 08:14

Why are you still with him?

Fairly obvious!

No friends or family support
No job
Hugh earning dh and living in fab part of London

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 01/06/2018 08:19

You need a job.

Don't move with him but let him go if he wants.

Don't have children with him, it doesn't sound like your relationship is in a v good place and children rarely improve that.

SandyY2K · 01/06/2018 08:20

You should consider getting a job because you not working with no kids and him being the other extreme don't seem compatible.

You never know what the future holds, so some financial independence is wise.

In the meanwhile, look at starting n new hobby and invest time in yourself and get sn active social life.

He might actually miss you if you're out more and enjoying life without him so to speak.

NameChange30 · 01/06/2018 08:30

He is temperamental, unreliable, critical, dominating and judgemental (all your words). He sounds emotionally abusive - see these signs of emotional abuse.

You are clearly depressed, which is not surprising giving that he is abusive and you are unemployed and isolated Flowers

Here are my suggestions for you:

  • get counselling ASAP (ask your GP about free/low cost counselling or go private)
  • read ‘Why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft
  • take a break from him, maybe go and visit family or friends for a long weekend or even a week. It will give you some breathing and thinking space.

Ultimately I think you need to leave him but I know that will feel like an impossible task atm. The steps I’ve listed above will help you whether you leave or not.

Also, I am sorry you wanted children and don’t have them, but it is a good thing that you don’t have children with this man.

Perhaps you could adopt if you met someone else, but I think you should be focusing on yourself atm.

Flowers
ragingmentalist · 01/06/2018 09:42

or get pregnant then leave with a good divorce settlement.

Jesus fucking Christ.

fluffyrobin · 01/06/2018 10:38

Sounds as if you have lost yourself in his shadow.

Sound like you don't know what you want because you are depressed.

Staying put seems preferable because it's what you know and is comfortable and you are loyal and married.

But you only live once.

He is critical and judgemental which is very bad for your self esteem and confidence.

Living with someone like that has made you depressed.

You have identified your problem. Your emotionally abusive DH.

Well done. Now you can take the steps to improve your life and your mental health.

Start dreaming what sort of life you'd be happy in and what sort of lovely, caring people you want to share your life with.

How can a dream come true unless you have a dream?

Good luck op on taking the first step to improving your life and happiness.

DanielCraigsUnderpants · 01/06/2018 11:20

I just want to know strategies to cope with the feelings of isolation, not having anyone who cares. I think I need to fill my day with activities so I have no time to think and feel lonely until I find a way to build back career

Get in contact with former work colleagues, maybe look at volunteer work. I found my dog was an excellent companion and training and walking her gave me purpose. If pets aren't an option what about studying for a new qualification.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 01/06/2018 11:56

I am also worried about being in same situation in a dull US town which will cause more isolation and depression.

It absolutely will. In fact, you'll be worse off as you'll then feel 'trapped'.

You need to do something for yourself - start by seeing a counsellor and try and get your mojo back. If you're not working, what do you do with your time? Could you volunteer somewhere? Just get out of the house and do something. Anything!