He wants 50/50 residence of our 15 month old son

[Sunshinegirl18]

Hi guys,

I am just in the very early stages of separating with the dad of our 15 month old son . I don't really know much about the process but I think we will need mediation to start with to try and agree contact/residency. My partner (soon to be ex) has said he wants 50/50 residency. To put the situation in context, I bf, co-sleep and our son wakes at least once for a feed. I always put our son to bed. He has never taken a bottle and I spend 3 week days (no family around) and half (or more) of the weekend with him.

My partner doesn't seem to understand it could seriously affect our son's attachment to me as main care giver if he were to stay with him half the week every week. I don't think overnights are appropriate at all right now. There's also an issue of dad wanting to take our son to his own very far away country for two weeks in 6 months time.

Has anyone been in this situation or anything similar? Can anyone talk me through what happens next? I think I need to organise mediation. Does anyone have any idea whether it's possible he could get 50/50?

Thanks so much in advance. I'm finding this whole thing very difficult already x

Sounds pretty unlikely to me.

How much childcare does he do now? 50/50?

I'm no expert by any means, but just wanted to offer you some reassurance that 50/50 is extremely unlikely, for the exact reasons you have stated.

Also, he will need your written permission to take the little one out of the country. But that works both ways, so mediation is an excellent idea.

What if he takes him out of the country and doesn't bring him back - that's what I wuld be worried about

Nope not a chance

I think you need to see a lawyer and get some decent legal advice. Please don’t take people’s word for it. I think people will be shocked how little the courts seem to understand (or care) what a young toddler needs. Get some decent legal advice prior to mediation.
Hugs. It doesn’t seem right at all when they are tiny (I would be quite relaxed about it now mine older though)

Which country is this? Don't let him take him. You don't have to.

I think you could definitely look at the possibility of stopping long trips overseas for now. It seems far too soon for a tiny child - again, money on a lawyer would be well spent right now

no way would I allow him to take the Child out of the Country....

does the 50/50 split mean he would not have to pay Maintenance ?

Yep gemini (the cynic in me suspects that’s why even quite “hands off” flakey dad’s go through phases of asking for it...)

If your child has a passport then hide it. If not then don’t apply for one! Might be worth speaking to a solicitor ASAP about things you can do to stop your ex applying for a passport without your knowledge. Probably worth filing a residency order too. What’s to stop him trying to take your child abroad behind your back? Don’t let him have unsupervised access until you’ve got this sorted. Also hide things like birth certificates etc so he can’t use them to get a passport.

The holiday thing- depends on if the country is part of The Hague convention, and he can prove he’s coming back- job, house and responsibility in the UK. 50/50 unlikely to begin with- but if there are no concerns then that would come. We had a 50/50 arrangement from 12 months. It was a necessity so I could work, and he was a good dad- juts a shit husband....😁 we have a well adjusted, happy and secure 6 yr old who has never known anything different and is on no way insecure or feels unsettled- but that’s our situation. What do you believe is the other option? Can you both compromise?

”Yep gemini (the cynic in me suspects that’s why even quite “hands off” flakey dad’s go through phases of asking for it...)”

Well that’s pretty much bollocks IM direct E. I had one day a fortnight difference between my exW and I for three years from when we split, after which it changed to eow because of actions she took. I paid a significant proportion (of what I pay now eow) during those three years. Assessed by CMS.

And you know what, I can’t speak for “every” father (but you know what, you have even less right to do that than me) but a lot of us are hands on when married and don’t want to become Disney Dad just because our cheating ex’s decide we should.

I have noticed a massive drop off in the quality of my relationship with my DC since the enforced change in time together. It’s an utterly shit situation which none of you mothers would ever be expected to treat as “normal” - unlike us Dads who just have to suck it up.

You've got your son half the week now. Who has him the other half?

Im going to go against the majority, and ask if he is a good dad what is the problem?

I get the BF but sooner or later because he is over 1 the courts will say that shouldn't be an issue regarding contact anymore as harsh as that sounds.

Also if you would take him on holiday like dad then you can't really moan about that.

Will he actually be able to look after him for that 50%? Or will he be at work?

Why are you splitting?
Asshole abusive men usually say things like to this to try to keep control of their 'victim'
Knowing if he is abusive at all will really change my response.

If no abuse or controlling issues then I suggest mediation.
Does he work full time?
If so and you don't and you've always been primary carer then 50:50 is unlikely.

If he is at all controlling then call his bluff.
Tell him 50:50 sounds great.
Let him know that it means that you get a break and sleep and that you can't wait to get yourself out there and take up hobbies and do things in the evenings and at weekends.
He'll soon backtrack!

If he is a good Dad and wants to be involved with his child, 50/50 might be doable. You are still bfing now, but within a few months that should cease to be an issue that should keep him away from a full relationship with his Dad. I think you are justifiably in a vulnerable place right now and maybe not seeing the way 50/50 might work for your dc.

Then again, your dp could be an abusive fuckwit looking to control you. Which, ya know, happens a lot.

BFing aside, why shouldn't he have 50/50 custody? Surely having less would affect your child's attachment to him?

Fair enough if he is abusive etc, but just because he's a bloke doesn't mean he should get less. You are both the child's parent.

I take my children to my home country without their dad sometimes so don’t really see the problem there.

Also 50/50 is awesome if he’s really willing to put the effort in and be a good dad.

I don’t really get the problem.

If he wants 50:50 and can manage it then he is v v v likely to get it in phased increases.

“If he is at all controlling then call his bluff.
Tell him 50:50 sounds great.
Let him know that it means that you get a break and sleep and that you can't wait to get yourself out there and take up hobbies and do things in the evenings and at weekends.
He'll soon backtrack!“

This is what I did (alongside saying he would have to pay half of all the childcare costs - which were far more than the maintenance he paid) ... it did the trick

They all say this, or full custody. 90% will in no way keep it up when they meet someone else, or before.

Don’t be pressured by him or agree to anything - let him go to court.
Don’t let him have your child or give anything other than supervised access if you have doubts.

Why shouldn't e have shared care?

In America 50/50 is the most common from a few months old in a majority of states. There have been multiple studies conducted showing that the children are absolutely fine

He is 15 months. He doesn't need a bottle and he will adapt.

You may miss him but you made a child with another person not sperm in a bottle so you don't get sole dictatorship in this matter.

Maybe we should start allowing fathers the opportunity to step up and be equal then constantly slamming them down.

How is it fair to straight away say he's doing it just to get out of CMA?

How about saying it's the woman holding onto residency just to get more benefits? That statement would cause outrage but it's fine to constantly slam the men for even mentioning that they want an equal part in their child's life?!

If I had a male friend I would absolutely encourage them to go for shared care.
Even if they work.

I think shared care is pretty standard unless there are grounds you can take to court to argue thats not in the childs best interests. That doesn’t mean 50/50 time. But i think courts lean towards this, again unless there are grounds such as abuse that they might deem it not to be in the childs best interests. Basically if hes a good dad and there are no safeguarding concerns, shared care is likely. I think even at 15 months.

Also i think unless there is an order prohibiting it, i think either parent can take their child abroad for up to three weeks.

I breastfed. Was and still am in a similar situation. Try getting legal advice. Rightsofwomen offer a free telephone service. Family law group offer 20/20 appointments and drop in clinics. The firmer are 20 minutes for £20. Best of luck x