I'll try to keep this short because I have a tendency to go on.
My partner and I were together nearly 4 years. I'm 22, he's 32. I always wanted to settle down young so we got engaged, bought a house, and started trying for a baby.
I started having doubts about the relationship. I wasn't sure I was happy. I didn't feel excited to marry him. I convinced myself it was down to my poor mental health and that things would get better. I told him on numerous occasions that I wasn't 100% sure about things. My mind often wondered what kind of person I could meet if I wasn't with him. He isn't a bad person, in fact he's lovely and he treated me well. But despite being so much older I also felt like he relied on me a lot and that he didn't really do much. In a way I felt like I mothered him on occasions.
I broke up with him about 8 weeks ago. At first I was really happy with my choice, then I was unsure, and now I think I'm happy with it. I feel like I can see a whole new life out there for me.
I'm scared though - what if I do regret this? We still live together but are spending a lot of time apart, and on the odd occasion I have found myself missing him. Just today I almost felt as though I was looking forward to seeing him. I still like him as a person and a friend, I just don't think I love him as someone I want to spend my life with.
To make things more confusing, I've developed a frustrating crush on someone at work. I like this new guy more than I wish I did, he's on my mind all the time but I know it's probably infatuation and that nothing is likely to happen. My worry is what if this other guy constantly being on my mind is blinding me from the fact that I actually want to stay with my boyfriend? If he wasn't in the picture, would I be happy to get back together with him?
The guilt is honestly eating away at me too. He's losing everything and he's kind of on his own now as his family aren't very supportive and he doesn't have many friends. I feel awful. He loves me so much.
Honestly, I was unsure about things for a while and if I were to stay with him, although I wouldn't always be unhappy I don't think I'd be as happy as I'd like to be. I know now that I want to explore and find myself before I commit to something.
I'm just so scared about making a mistake. Is it normal to miss him? To still like him as a person. To worry about it this much? I'm feeling sick about it right now.