Help me unravel my thoughts/feelings about getting married for what would be the third time...

[FreeHotDrinkAndCake]

Brief background - DP and I are both in our 50's, both been married twice, both first marriages were at a young age and brief, both second marriages were to partners we were with for over 20 years. My children are mid teens and live with me 50% of the time, his are adults and independent. We have been together 3 years, don't live together but intend to, maybe in a year or so.

We have a great relationship that's weathered some difficult times, are very happy and both know that we want to spend the rest of our lives together.

My issue is this, when we were first together I wasn't that long out of my last marriage (that I had ended). I was really adamant that I didn't want to get married ever again. Also, marriage has never been important to him in terms of being more committed to a relationship. Now however I'm feeling that I would like us to be married at some point but I'm not entirely sure why and whether it's for the right reasons.

It's definitely not that I want a wedding. I'd want something very small.

I'm worried that it's because he's married two other women so I want to have the same 'status' they had - that seems petty and jealous. I'm not at all insecure in our relationship.

I'm worried that both of getting married for the third time is faintly ridiculous.

I feel like getting married would be a line under things and a 'this is us forever' moment - which seems mad as we both know being married signifies nothing of the sort.

We talk about most things and are very open and honest with each other even when it's not easy but I'm worried about raising it with him because I'm afraid of how I'll feel if it's not something he wants. It definitely wouldn't be a deal breaker for me but I'm afraid that something will diminish. But writing that I realise that will happen anyway if it's what I want but I never tell him.

Why does it marriage matter to me? I don't need the financial protection it offers. It offers no guarantee of 'happy ever after'. I feel silly for wanting it.

I'm in the same situation! Married three times, divorced twice, then I left dh3 and he died a few years later (not my fault!) But i've learned that I'm no good at this marriage lark! Me and dp have been together for15 years, longer than any of my marriages, and I've no intention of making the same mistake again. If it ain't broke, don't fix it!

notanurse I have been single for about 5 years in total.

My gut instinct isn't telling me something isn't right with the relationship. Quite the opposite. We are both very different people with each other than we were in our previous relationships - both had therapy and I've had the added benefit of reading Mumsnet!

Don’t bother, save money. It is pointless imo.

lol missmouse it definitely wouldn't be costing much!

Don't do it! Eeeek!

I'd be wary of getting financially committed / involved at this age.

I think the desire may be a throw back to expectations when you were young, that we struggle to believe are no longer applicable, i.e. being married is the goal in life for women. If that makes any sense?!

Are you just worried that he might not be keen - is it a test ? Would it mean anything for the relationship if he didn’t want to?

What if he said he would or could - and then you both didn’t follow through ? Do you just want to know he would if you wanted rather than actually going ahead ? Or is the concept of marriage and maybe getting it right this time important to you ?

I think we all get caught up in society's stories about what relationships should be like... Real love = get married and live happily ever after, even when your rational brain knows it's bullshit! Real love = respecting each other, openness, honesty, caring... That other voice is just the societal messages we can't help but absorb. Don't let it get in the way of what you really have.

I think its conditioning to get married and as you say a reflection of your "status" with him.

How did his marriages end? Does he have a reasonable relationship with ex?

I think we absorb the view that marriage is better throughout our lives - it’s seen as a more committed state even though rationally we know it’s not. If you’re brought up by traditional parents/family/culture it’s very difficult to get rid of that innate feeling (to be clear I don’t agree with a view that marriage is better!).

Do you think if would give you more status with his (or your) family / DC, to be a wife rather than a partner?

I'd be wary about the financial implications tbh. If you get married you will be legally bound together in a way that may be disadvantageous to your children. For example, by default he would inherit your estate, rather than your children inheriting (although you may be able to deal with that in a will). If he was financially reckless you would be dragged in to it. Not saying either of those things are in any way likely, but the very reasons why it is a good idea for parents with young children together to marry are actually strong reasons for people in your position NOT to marry imo. I'd definitely seek legal advice if you decide you do want to be married.

Good points.

Financially I guess we will be entwined when once we live together - we will own a property jointly.

I get the point about expectations of women's life goals.

I'm not worried that he might not be keen on 'us' - he's shown me plenty of commitment.

If he didn't want to it definitely wouldn't be a deal breaker (as I said) but I'm not sure if it would make a difference. Rationally, no it wouldn't - he'd still the person I want to be with. Emotionally, I'm not sure - I guess I want to try to work that out before I raise it. But, emotionally it could equally make a difference if I don't raise it and just leave it.

Given my previously expressed opinion on the matter I don't think he'd be expecting me to be bothered about marriage. (Quite reasonably).

Lots more posts whilst I was replying...let me read them...

Absolutely re legal advice on marriage to protect children and each other.

We have similar assets and would want them to go to our children in due course whilst protecting each other's right to stay in our home as long as wished. We have fully discussed this in terms of cohabiting in future.

Why another marriage? You don't need it, so why not just enjoy what you have and see how it goes?

'It's definitely not that I want a wedding. I'd want something very small.'

If you are both eventually inclined to marry, just elope off to the Registry Office.

I think this is a good point:

Do you think if would give you more status with his (or your) family / DC, to be a wife rather than a partner?

It's more about his family than mine. Mine see him as family and he's very involved, possibly due to geography and my kids being younger. I'm less involved with his family and I do feel I'm not regarded in the same way.

He left both his previous marriages. He has nothing to do with first ex. - his daughters are in their 30's. His second ex remained involved with his family for quite a while. They had no children btw. Maybe that's part of it? She's still around in the background, lives near them, friends in common etc.

Definitely this

If you are both eventually inclined to marry, just elope off to the Registry Office.

But without the eloping bit - we wouldn't 'run away'. And if my children weren't yet adults I'd include them too.

If I'd had two previous failed marriages, and my partner had two previous failed marriages (and they had left both of them), there's no way in hell I'd be getting married again.

Different perhaps if there'd been death rather than divorce.

I don't really see the point. I married my ex husband because we planned to have children and for me to go part-time - and I definitely wouldn't have done that without the security of marriage. We were also lucky enough financially to have inheritance tax to consider.

If I met someone now, I wouldn't have more children (I'm 46) and IHT advantages would not be relevant because I wouldn't leave my estate to a spouse, but to my kids. So, there'd be no point.

I wouldn't care whether or not other people regarded me as inferior to a "wife" so that is not relevant to me.

@ShatnersWig Would you feel the same way if it was two cohabiting relationships?

Interested as people seem to regard two divorces as 'worse' than having lived with two people.

It seems unrealistic these days to expect to have no more than two serious cohabitating relationships between the ages of 20 and (hopefully) 80 or 90.

I just don't see the point. Just live together. Weddings are expensive and so are divorces.

I've asked myself similar questions about my own situation (not identical, but I'm in my late 40s in a long term relationship after marriage).

It seems to me that getting married signifies a bunch of things: the specialness of the relationship, both partners' faith in the long term future of their love, a commitment to look after each other emotionally and financially etc. It's a public declaration of private hopes and desires. It involves making promises in front of other people rather than just to each other in private.

I think it's still seen as a higher level of commitment than cohabiting, buying property together, or having children together - even if that 'higher level of commitment' is actually a bit nebulous. It's also more expensive to contract and dissolve than not marrying - unless you consult a solicitor about financial arrangements before cohabiting.

So it's a significant statement to make - but is it practical? Ultimately it has legal implications, including inheritance matters, so it's not just a statement about the quality of the relationship.

I'm leaning towards not remarrying, because I feel I'm a bit in thrall to the romance of it but it's probably not the most practical option for me, and for my children's sakes I need to be practical. However, it's certainly not an easy question to answer.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts CardsforKittens. It's really helpful to have a perspective from someone in a similar situation. Your second paragraph nails it I think.

It's not an urgent issue for me (us), it's just that I'm aware of my feelings about it having changed.

This thread has helped me already. I'll talk with him about it.