Is this normal for a divorced dad?

[LiteraryDevil1]

Hi, been chatting to a guy on online dating and his relationship with his children seems to be not that great but not sure if just how it is with older children.

He's got 2 children one finishing his A levels and one at uni. They live about 50 mins away.

He's been divorced 8 years, single for 8 months after an 18 month relationship. Apparently he was "ready to move in and commit but she had ex issues" so the relationship ended. Sounded a bit odd.

Anyway he says contact with the children dwindled when they got to about 15 and his weekends with them ended as they had other interests and wanted to see friends instead. He said it got more difficult when they were older due to distance and them having other interests. 50 mins away isn't far though is it?!

He sees them "sometimes" when they meet up for lunch, which is sometimes with his mum too.

My children are still primary school age so no experience of what happens once they get older. I was close to my parents and visited regularly even when at uni so can't imagine not seeing them more often than "sometimes."

After some bad experiences I'm one for listening to my gut and a few things seem off here:

The relationship that ended due to "ex issues"

His kids not wanting to see him once they got to 15 or so

His kids not seeing much of him at all now.

Is this situation normal for teenage/young adult children or would you find it a red flag?

My dss and dsd are 16 and 20 and haven't had contact weekends for a while. At that age they are studying, working and socialising so this is to be expected.

My DS is 14 and has just this week decided he didn't want to go to his dads as planned... I can see this is the beginning of the end.

The ex-issue thing seems 🙄

Be wary. If they aren't in regular contact via email or phone etc AND no face to face it's weird. My son is 19 but still sees and speaks to his dad often, I.e. at least once or twice every week. Due to go to uni this year but I would still keep in very regular contact to check in (without being a smothering pain) as will his dad.

Fine balance between being interested and being a controlling parent but something is off if it's only a couple of times a year. If he's done nothing to support an increase in contact that also speaks volumes.

I'd find out more but doubt any is good news to be honest. Sorry.

My step sister is 18 now and even though she isn't working or in training she still rarely visits.

Bit different with my DSs as DS2 has ASD and needs a routine. Hence EOW still happens even though they are now 20, 18 and 15. The 20yo is at Uni and sees his dad EOW in the holidays just because his brothers do, otherwise it would be less. ExH also lives fairly close so seeing friends is still possible. I think they are the exception rather than the rule.

My nieces stopped EOW with their dad at around 16 and just visit him occasionally.

Some of my friends are finding it hard that their teenage no longer want to spend time with them preferring to hang out with their friends/gf/bf.

DD is 13 and does not want to go to her dad every weekend anymore. It is all about her friends now. Dad understands and was half expecting it to happen. She now goes every second weekend. I will not allow her to lose contact as he has always been a good father. Yet I have to nag her to send a text or even worse to call him. I think as the teenage hormones roll in they become so selfish and thoughtless. So to me it wouldn’t be a massive red flag.
DP hardly saw his son in his teens. Son moved in with him for a year when he was 21. Now he’s in his own place they meet up a lot. Go for drinks and always in touch.

I had the most lovely mum in the world ( still do) but once I was a teenager i never ever hung out with her out of choice. And when i was at university I occasionally phoned her out of duty (phone box as before mobiles). Was only recently as an adult with children that i got closer to her again and we are now friends. I think that's normal.i fully expect my kids to go off and i will just see them at Xmas when they are young adults, for a while. We have a great relationship now, but if they want to head off to Australia or something that's fine, I'll miss them but they need to do their growing up.

But trust your gut. I would say the ' ex issues' could be more of a thing, depending what issues were.

"ready to move in and commit but she had ex issues" so the relationship ended. Sounded a bit odd.

this is the flag... teens being teens are being teens... him breaking up with someone because they didn't want to live together seems the bigger issue..
why would he end it?
if all was well and 18months in then why wouldnt you just let them have space and carry on as is?
besides, 18 months is pretty quick to move in and settle down for some people, ex issues or not. not sure I'd be ready to.move someone in after 18months tbh.

"she had ex issues". Maybe the ex was stalking her, maybe she was still in love with him - I can't see anything suspicious there (or am I missing something?)

Yeah the ex thing was the first weird thing he said. He said she was still tied to her ex financially and emotionally and that he was controlling. Not sure what to make of that. One of the reasons I ended it with my ex is that he was still emotionally married to his ex but there were many other reasons.

By "weird" I mean the way he said he was "ready to commit and move in" it just seemed an odd thing.

can't see anything suspicious there (or am I missing something?)

not necessarily suspicious but... (sexism incoming in 5...4....3.....2.....)

generalising massively but a lot of men have a tendency to skew facts and put blame on other people.
their relationships don't break down cause they're cocks, it's always the psycho ex at fault. their never the ones that just fancied shaffinf someone else, it's their OHs fault for not servicing their dick often enough. it's not the man's fault for driving 80mph in the 50mph road, it's the cops fault for being stood their... etc etc etc.

so a bloke splitting up with a woman because the woman had ex issues...
more likely she split with him because he was pressuring her into moving in when she didn't want him too...

like I said, sexist view, but experience says it's pretty accurate.

hands in Man Club card and leaves his balls at the door

I split the week with my ex regarding the kids, but tbh my 15 year old son prefers to stay at his Dads. He has his boy/man cave there with his Xbox etc. We enjoy time together, no issues, it's just the way it is. My daughter however likes to spend more time with me. Both kids can come & go at any point between houses. It's a teenager thing. I used to get upset that my ds & I weren't as close, but it's an age thing ( he still enjoys a cuddle on the quiet 😊)

Oh gosh, this sounds entirely normal!

I have two kids at Uni. One is 30 minutes away, the other is 2.5 hours away. I hardly see them at all, and I'm their Mum! We do have a very close relationship. They lived 5 days a week with me before going to Uni (and 2 at their Dad's). Their bedrooms are still here (unchanged I mean), for when they do visit. We text most days. I see them in the holidays. The one that is 30 mins away rarely visits, purely because he is either madly studying for exams, or when he does have free time, he wants to go out with his mates and spend time with his Girlfriend. The one that is 2.5 hours away, well, it's hard to visit as the train tickets are expensive and there's not much for her here (Mum -V- Party with Pals, it's not surprising the latter wins).

I suspect that we will see a lot more of them, when they have kids and settle down a bit, which is kind of what happened between me and my parents.

The Ex thing doesn't sound dodgy to me. I'd want to be moving to the next stage after 18 months. Sounds like he did too, but she was hung up on her Ex. Well done him for bowing out. My DH moved in wit me after 8 months. And IIRC we would have been engaged after 18 months. Some people want to settle down, not date for ever.

The teenagers thing is entirely normal in my experience. My step kids stopped coming so regularly when they were about 15/16 years old.

I'm divorced from their dad now and our early/mid teens see their dad as much as ever 50:50 but he lives in the same village so there's no impact on their social lives with their friends whichever house they are at.

OP - of you dare people over 40 - everyone would have history, etc.
And if you look for red flags - you’ll find them. We all have them, all depends on how you look at things.
Nothing in these two facts about him seems strange. Or worrying.

But - you shouldn’t do anything that doesn’t feel right.

Thanks! Interesting to hear views.
Yes both over 40. He's 8 years older than me though. I'm just very conscious of not ignoring my gut or things that seem odd as have ignored in the past to my detriment.
Will carry on chatting and see what happens.

One thing most of you have shown me is that my own DDs are likely to reduce contact with their own dad as they get older! If he'll allow them too as unfortunately everything is about him and we have a court order so they technically have to go unless he says otherwise but that's a whole other thread!

None of this strikes me as weird tbh. I'd give him a chance. Good luck!

I don't like the sound of "ready to move in" - makes it sound like he's looking for someone to house him, if you see what I mean.

My elder dd has exams and revision and isn't going to see her dad much by her own choice and has chosen her social life here over seeing him several times. (She isn't than keen on going at any rate as she has to share there etc). So it wouldn't ring alarm bells as such at those sort of ages for me - they're more independent, have their own social lives, and things to do.

Once they get to a certain age, your ex won't be able to insist they go.

What he actually said was "We were close and I was ready to settle down with her and commit , but she was still carrying around "ex" issues, who was controlling on many levels. "

Still sounds odd to my ears.

Decided not to carry on chatting. Something felt off. Thanks everyone!